//Please don't leave here because of him - let him read - maybe, just
maybe he will learn some things!//
I agree. If you leave, he's succeeded in further isolating you from a
support network you've found. He's also controlling you through
manipulation. I realise how uncomfortable it must be to know your
every word is being spied on and that he's invading your privacy and
safe space.  The fact that he feels a need to spy on you says a lot -
about him and his insecurities and his pathological desire for
control of you.  You are not the cause of that. And you are not an
object that needs to be controlled.

L


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I am thankful that I can help people that need assistance with their emotional
and substance abuse problems. I am thankful that I see them grow and feel things
get better. I am really hoping to find new ways to help women in need of help. I
am asking for help in better understanding what they feel would be the best way
to help them. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
APPENDIX A: INFORMED CONSENT
As a student researcher, I am privileged to have you as a participant and a
contributor to my higher learning experience. My affiliations with the American
Psychological Association, the state of Pennsylvania, and Walden University hold
me to the highest of ethical and legal standards. I am by law required to inform
you of your rights as a research participant and ask that you please read this
document carefully.  I will be highlighting some of its aspects with you
verbally and invite you to ask any questions at any time.

The purpose of this research project is to use surveys completed online to
further understand treatment approaches that can create successful outcomes for
women suffering from co-occurring disorders and domestic violence. You qualify
as a participant in that you have at one time been a victim of domestic violence
and that you are or have been diagnosed with a co-occurring disorder. A
co-occurring disorder means that you have both a mental health and a substance
abuse concern.  The information that is gathered from this study will be used to
help create different treatment options and to develop techniques that may lead
to better helping women stop the cycle of abuse.

As a volunteer, you will be asked to complete one survey. The survey will be
provided for you once you click on the button below, and stored electronically
once returned.  The survey will ask questions about your experiences with your
mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence experiences. Your
information will be kept confidential and private; the only aspects of your
identity that will be revealed will be your gender and your age and your first
name.  If at any time while completing the survey you wish to forgo a question,
clarify an answer, or stop taking the survey, you are free to do so.  You are
also welcome to ask questions regarding any aspect of the study at any time and
take breaks as needed.
	 The success of this research is dependent on your willingness to introspect.
Please do your best to give authentic, honest, and uncensored answers. Do your
best to answer the questions in a manner that reflects your personal
experiences, not those of others.

Below I have summarized some important information that is relevant to the
protection of your rights and privacy.  Please take a moment to read them over.

If at anytime you volunteer information that suggests intent to harm yourself or
someone else, I am required to report that information to my dissertation chair
and the proper authorities.
It is understood that you are volunteering your time to complete the survey.
All aspects of your completed survey will be confidential and all physical
manifestations of our survey will be stored electronically and if the need to
print it arises all federal legal requirements will be followed in reference to
storage of the said document. At no time will anything more than your first name
be revealed or any other aspect of your identity that would allow your answers
to be traced to back to you.
If you desire, a copy of the research results can be made available to you upon
its completion next year.
Low cost or free counseling referrals will be provided upon request to all
participants at the conclusion of the study.

If you feel comfortable participating in this survey as described above, please
click here to indicate your consent and begin the survey."

  Confidentiality
Walden University graduate students need volunteers who are willing to let them
perform their dissertation research. You are being asked to be a volunteer for a
Walden University graduate student in psychology who is performing valid
research in partial fulfillment of a PhD in Educational Psychology.

If you have any questions or concerns about your participation that the graduate
student has not answered to your satisfaction, in reference to your rights as a
participant, please contact  the Research Participant Advocate, Dr. Leilani
Endicott, 800 925 3368, ext. 1210, or if you have any other questions then you
can contact  the researcher herself at 484 269 6572.
Thank you for your help

  If you feel comfortable participating in this survey as described above, please
click here to

indicate your consent and begin the survey."



https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=gWHsZ6TD_2fPfLWVcFm_2fxeiw_3d_3d
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=gWHsZ6TD_2fPfLWVcFm_2fxeiw_3d_3d
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=gWHsZ6TD_2fPfLWVcFm_2fxeiw_3d_3d

I'm so glad that you are still with us.











 




 






 


 

--- On Sat, 11/14/09, charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com> wrote:


From: charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] the park bench
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Saturday, November 14, 2009, 6:32 PM


 



i loved this story
charlene

The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read beneath the long, straggly
branches of an old willow tree. Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,
for the world was intent on dragging me down.

And if that weren't enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached
me, all tired from play.

He stood right before me with his head tilted down and said with great
excitement, "Look what I found!"

In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, with it's petals all worn,
not enough rain, or to little light. Wanting him to take his dead flower and go
off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away. But instead of
retreating he sat next to my side and placed the flower to his nose and declared
with overacted surprise, "It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too. That's
why I picked it; here it's for you."

The weed before me was dying or dead. Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or
red. But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the
flower, and replied, "Just what I need." But instead of him placing the flower
in my hand, he held it mid-air without reason or plan. It was then that I
noticed for the very first time that weed-toting boy could not see: he was
blind.

I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun as I thanked him for picking
the very best one. You're welcome, he smiled, and then ran off to play, unaware
of the impact he'd had on my day. I sat there and wondered how he managed to see
a self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree. How did he know of my
self-indulged plight?

Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight. Through the eyes of a
blind child, at last I could see the problem was not with the world; the problem
was me. And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see the
beauty in life, and appreciate every second that's mine. And then I held that
wilted flower up to my nose and breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose.
And smiled as I watched that young boy, another weed in his hand about to change
the life of an unsuspecting old man.

It is vast beyond imagination, too beautiful and magnificent for words, and
sometimes quite frightening. It is the universe that you cannot touch, but which
you can always begin to grasp.
Live your moments with full awareness, acceptance and respect for what is. Yet
also stay intimately in touch with what can be.

In the realm of what can be, there are solutions to every problem and pathways
through every challenge. The sweet fulfillment you've always sought, lives
somewhere in what can be.

In what can be, there exists a kind of hope that nothing can diminish. In what
can be, your options stretch out far beyond anything you might yet have
imagined.

And the first step into what can be is the next step that you take. Joyfully
respect and truly appreciate all that is, for that is what you take with you as
you cross the threshold into what can be.

Let the limitations fall away from your thinking and allow your imagination to
soar with the deepest longings in your heart. For even now, you are choosing
your path through the limitless realm of what can be.








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Who you are is not determined
By what people may say or do
Nor by any one event in your life
But by what lives inside of you

If your heart is kind and you show it
You try your very best to succeed
The person you are will be judged
Not by the shell but by the deed

Don't allow those who are bitter
Or too shallow to see deep inside
To have power over how you feel
Let your strength be your guide

Take pride in the knowledge you have
But don't be afraid to learn more
Walk outside of your comfort zone
There is always an open door

Greet every new day with purpose
Live in each moment before it is gone
Hold on tight to hope with both hands
Keep walking forward as life goes on

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship.. .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally.. .

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

i loved this story
charlene

The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read beneath the long, straggly
branches of an old willow tree. Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,
for the world was intent on dragging me down.

And if that weren't enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached
me, all tired from play.

He stood right before me with his head tilted down and said with great
excitement, "Look what I found!"

In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, with it's petals all worn,
not enough rain, or to little light. Wanting him to take his dead flower and go
off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away. But instead of
retreating he sat next to my side and placed the flower to his nose and declared
with overacted surprise, "It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too. That's
why I picked it; here it's for you."

The weed before me was dying or dead. Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or
red. But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the
flower, and replied, "Just what I need." But instead of him placing the flower
in my hand, he held it mid-air without reason or plan. It was then that I
noticed for the very first time that weed-toting boy could not see: he was
blind.

I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun as I thanked him for picking
the very best one. You're welcome, he smiled, and then ran off to play, unaware
of the impact he'd had on my day. I sat there and wondered how he managed to see
a self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree. How did he know of my
self-indulged plight?

Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight. Through the eyes of a
blind child, at last I could see the problem was not with the world; the problem
was me. And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see the
beauty in life, and appreciate every second that's mine. And then I held that
wilted flower up to my nose and breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose.
And smiled as I watched that young boy, another weed in his hand about to change
the life of an unsuspecting old man.

It is vast beyond imagination, too beautiful and magnificent for words, and
sometimes quite frightening. It is the universe that you cannot touch, but which
you can always begin to grasp.
Live your moments with full awareness, acceptance and respect for what is. Yet
also stay intimately in touch with what can be.

In the realm of what can be, there are solutions to every problem and pathways
through every challenge. The sweet fulfillment you've always sought, lives
somewhere in what can be.

In what can be, there exists a kind of hope that nothing can diminish. In what
can be, your options stretch out far beyond anything you might yet have
imagined.

And the first step into what can be is the next step that you take. Joyfully
respect and truly appreciate all that is, for that is what you take with you as
you cross the threshold into what can be.

Let the limitations fall away from your thinking and allow your imagination to
soar with the deepest longings in your heart. For even now, you are choosing
your path through the limitless realm of what can be.

no more personal postings, but if i find something encouraging i still want to
share
charlene

After striving for a while and making little or no headway, we're tempted to
give up. That's why most people never enjoy any significant kind of success. The
winners in life realize that lack of progress is not a reason to give up, but
rather a reason to adjust the approach. If one way is not working, there are
probably a hundred, or a thousand other approaches that haven't yet been
attempted. There is a way to get where you want to go. If the first few attempts
fall short, keep looking for another way. Learn what you can from your
disappointing results, and then try a different approach.

Practice being persistent without being stubborn. There's no need to keep doing
something that doesn't work. Yet there is no reason to give up. There is a way,
and you'll find it when you persist.

Just because you find yourself at a dead end, does not prevent you from reaching
your destination. There's another road that will take you there. Keep looking
and you'll find it.

Dealing with Negative People
Download PDF |
By Mary Bratcher,
Discover ways to stay calm when critical people cross your path.

Encounters with negative people can be emotionally draining and stressful. This
is especially true when you are generally a positive and productive person but
have to interact with fitness colleagues, family members or friends who bring
you down. Understanding how to deal with people and why their behavior causes
disruption in your life can help you develop better strategies for interacting
with them.


Understanding Human Behavior
Negative people can find something wrong in any situation. They are expert
complainers, cynics, tyrants, worriers and/or victims. Unfortunately, negative
people may not be concerned with the effect their behavior has on others; they
simply want to get rid of their own uncomfortable feelings in the fastest way
possible. A quick look at basic human behavior will help you understand why some
people seem so negative.

Everything we do and say in our lives is shaped by our particular life
experience. We learn from a very early age that certain behaviors produce
certain results. For example, if we are hungry and we cry, someone will give us
food. If we throw a tantrum, someone will pay attention to us and ask what is
wrong. If we throw a big enough tantrum, people will leave us alone. These
learned behaviors stay with us throughout our lives.

As adults we are expected to repress our feelings of discomfort (or stress) and
behave in a more civilized manner. However, expressing ourselves in a more
socially acceptable way takes advanced communication skills, and sometimes we
haven't developed them. Consequently, when we experience stress, we may not act
or react in an appropriate manner.


Typical Ways People React When Stressed
When faced with a situation that causes them stress, many people react in
unproductive or negative ways. Here are some of the most common responses:

1. People turn into "know-it-all dictators" who boss others around and think no
one else can do things as well as they can. ("Forget it—let me do it—you'll only
screw it up!").

2. They take on a helpless role ("I never do anything right") or simply withdraw
from the situation ("Okay, whatever.").

3. They behave in a rebellious or defiant way ("No way! You can't tell me what
to do!").

4. They respond with insensitivity, sarcasm or inappropriate humor
("Hallelujah—you finally got off your butt to help out.").

Sometimes people react to a stressful event in a combination of these ways. It
all depends on what behaviors make people feel more comfortable at the time.
Negative responses help them protect their egos and their sense of control with
regard to the situation.

Here is an example. Tina's fitness director finds out last minute that a big
budget deadline has been pushed forward by 2 weeks. He approaches Tina while she
is calling a client and yells at her to quit chatting with her stupid friends
all day and get to work. Stunned and hurt, Tina snaps back at her boss with a
sarcastic remark and thinks to herself that she will get to "his budget
information" when she is good and ready.

In this situation, both Tina and her boss reacted to the stressful situation
with their automatic, ego-protective responses. The boss raised his voice and
personally insulted Tina. Tina countered by expressing contempt and withdrawing
from the situation. Now Tina thinks her boss is a selfish jerk and he thinks she
is insubordinate. The reality is that neither Tina nor her boss is either. Both
of them just experienced and expressed feelings of stress in an unproductive and
inappropriate way.

It isn't always obvious that people are only reacting to stress, particularly
when they tend to express themselves by whining, complaining or criticizing in
the absence of any identifiable stressor. For example, Cheryl's friend Abbie is
constantly complaining that nothing ever goes right for her. Cheryl listens to
Abbie and tries to comfort and reassure her that she actually has a lot of good
things in her life. Abbie continues to complain. Frustrated and tired, Cheryl
begins to mock what Abbie is saying, and they get into an argument and stop
speaking.

Abbie's complaining is actually a communication strategy she employs to protect
her from what she fears most: that important things in her life will not
continue to "go right." She uses a negative form of communicating (i.e.,
complaining) to cope with the stress of potential future disappointment. When
Cheryl feels her supportive approach isn't effective, she becomes agitated and
stressed and resorts to using negative communication tactics to end the
conversation.


Strategies for Dealing With Negative People
So what can you do when faced with someone who really gets under your skin? Take
a close look at how you react. For example, watch what you do when someone rubs
you the wrong way. Chances are you react (out loud or to yourself) in one of the
ways described above. Developing an awareness of how you deal with negative
people and situations helps you better deal with what you can control—yourself.

When you become aware of how you typically react to stressful situations, two
things happen. First, your awareness provides you with an opportunity to choose
a different way to behave. Second, it enables you to maintain objectivity in the
presence of stress. It helps you remember that other people's negativity is not
personal to you or to your situation. It is simply the way they express
themselves when they feel insecure or uncomfortable.

Creating and maintaining awareness of your own behavior and choosing to act in a
different manner (i.e., not using your automatic ego-protective responses) can
prevent an encounter with a negative person from escalating. It might not stop
the person you are talking to from being negative, but it will provide you with
control over your response to the situation. Your choice not to communicate in
an unproductive way removes the likelihood that you will be replaying the
conversation in your head for days or thinking of all the zingers you wish you'd
said!


Misery Loves Company
Some people seem to thrive on making themselves or others miserable. Nothing you
do or say can change that fact. After employing various productive communication
strategies with a person like this and finding that nothing seems to work,
ending your relationship might be the best thing you can do.

This approach may not seem like an option, particularly if the person is your
boss, a co-worker or a client. However, there is usually a solution to dealing
with negative people. You might request a department transfer or a change in
schedule to minimize your contact. If you find the person unbearable to be
around even for a short time, you may want to think about joining another
company or changing jobs.



Turn That Frown Upside Down
Dealing with negative people is difficult. Talking, working and even sitting by
them can be very stressful, even when you try not to get involved with them.
Therefore, it is important to develop ways to destress after an encounter with a
negative person. Try to find ways to release stress and diffuse your negative
energy rather than perpetuate it. Here are some strategies for dealing with
negative people:

Take a brisk walk or work out at the gym.
Write down your feelings in a journal.
Take some deep breaths and let go of the stress.
Keep a funny cartoon or photo in your desk or bag and pull it out to give
yourself a laugh. Research has proven that the simple act of smiling and
laughing (even if you fake it at first!) reduces stress, lowers cortisol levels
and stimulates the immune system (Berk et al. 1988; Berk et al. 2001; Marci,
Moran & Orr 2004).

However you choose to destress, make sure you do it in a positive way. Negative
emotions and behaviors only produce or amplify stress.

Hello Everyone

A friend just sent me a link to a NEW giveaway offer, so I am sharing it with
the group!

The Hottest Christmas Toys Giveaway!

This offer is only available to USA residents

Click the link below to view this great freebie offer!

http://groups.google.com/group/collectingfreebies/web/the-big-christmas-toys-giv\
eaway-usa

I hope this helps with your budgets!

Half the population are bullied by a serial bully ... most only recognize it
when they read this

Half the population are bullied ...
most people only realise it when they read this page
What is bullying, how to recognise bullying
On this page
Where are people bullied? | What is bullying?
Recognising a bully | How does bullying cause injury to health?
On another page
Why me?
Why have my colleagues deserted me?
Answers to frequently asked questions on bullying

Where are people bullied?

at work by their manager or co-workers or subordinates, or by their clients
(bullying, workplace bullying, mobbing, work abuse, harassment, discrimination)
at home by their partner or parents or siblings or children (bullying, assault,
domestic violence, abuse, verbal abuse)
at school (bullying, harassment, assault)
in the care of others, such as in hospital, convalescent homes, care homes,
residential homes (bullying, harassment, assault)
in the armed forces (bullying, harassment, discrimination, assault)
by those in authority (harassment, abuse of power)
by neighbours and landlords (bullying, harassment)
by strangers (harassment, stalking, assault, sexual assault, rape, grievous
bodily harm, murder)
How do you know if you're being bullied? Bullying differs from harassment and
assault in that the latter can result from a single incident or small number of
incidents - which everybody recognises as harassment or assault - whereas
bullying tends to be an accumulation of many small incidents over a long period
of time. Each incident tends to be trivial, and on its own and out of context
does not constitute an offence or grounds for disciplinary or grievance action.
So, ...

What is bullying?

constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the
triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of
truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the
criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on
distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your
contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value
constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and
potential
where you are in a group (eg at work), being singled out and treated
differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment
you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on,
marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others
being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with
either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all
finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarised
having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave
refused
being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties
having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them
ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without
you being informed until it's too late
finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings
imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal,
early or ill-health retirement, etc
For further information on what bullying is, click here. For an answer to the
question Why me?, click here.

How do I recognise a bully?

Most bullying is traceable to one person, male or female - bullying is not a
gender issue. Bullies are often clever people (especially female bullies) but
you can be clever too.

Who does this describe in your life?

Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and
charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual
has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides
is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up
anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors
or others are present; the motive of the charm is deception and its purpose is
to compensate for lack of empathy
relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but
their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib
displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity
excels at deception
exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour;
underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of
sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial
prejudice as well)
exhibits much controlling behaviour and is a control freak
displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to
acknowledge, value and praise others
when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds
with impatience, irritability and aggression
often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves
as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their
behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy
between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are
actually seen
has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot
distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and
integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and
deceitfulness)
when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then
counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this
is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood, often by bursting into tears (the
purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by
manipulating others through the use of guilt)
is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't
listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no
remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humourless, joyless,
ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish,
insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal
skills
I estimate one person in thirty has this behaviour profile. I describe them as
having a disordered personality: an aggressive but intelligent individual who
expresses their violence psychologically (constant criticism etc) rather than
physically (assault). For the full profile, click here; to see and be able to
recognise the four most common types of serial bully, click here.

What does bullying do to my health?

Bullying causes injury to health and makes you ill. How many of these symptoms
do you have?

constant high levels of stress and anxiety
frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever,
colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with
your immune system)
aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain
with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment
headaches and migraines
tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue
sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went
to bed
flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the bullying out of your mind
irritable bowel syndrome
skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles,
urticaria
poor concentration, can't concentrate on anything for long
bad or intermittently-functioning memory, forgetfulness, especially with trivial
day-to-day things
sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks
tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly and over trivial things
uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts
hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge
hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal
reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger,
futility and more
shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love,
etc
For the full set of symptoms of injury to health caused by prolonged negative
stress (such as that caused by bullying, harassment, abuse etc) click here. For
details of the trauma that results, click here.

  More information on identifying and overcoming bullying and its effects on
health is in my book Bully in sight: how to predict, resist, challenge and
combat workplace bullying; click here for book details and click here to order a
copy online. Bully OnLine and the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line are
funded by sales of Bully in sight and David Kinchin's book Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder: the invisible injury, and Neil Marr and Tim Field's book Bullycide:
death at playtime, an expose of child suicide caused by bullying.

Welcome to Bully OnLine, web site of the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice
Line where Tim Field shares his unique insight into bullying and its effects on
health and profits. Explore the site by clicking the coloured text or mauve
buttons at the bottom of each page. If you have question, see the frequently
asked questions page.

I'm definitely going to check out that Serial Bully link. I have a fair
suspicion that my abuser has a new targets or targets she's working on as we
speak.


--- On Fri, 11/13/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:


From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] PROJECTION: A Glimpse Into Hell
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Friday, November 13, 2009, 5:51 AM


PROJECTION: A Glimpse Into Hell
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Abbreviations used: N/P Narcissist/Psychopath)

Has your abuser ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies?Accused you of
being crazy? Twisted everything you say into something grotesque? Most of us
have experienced that with the NP in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling.
The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To
make things simple, he is accusing you of what he is THINKING, DOING OR
PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings,
behaviours, and impulses and pathololgize the people they target.

Projection is not an easy concept to learn. We need to twist our way of
thinking. An important part of realizing projection is to remember Ps have the
emotional maturity of a 5-year old!! They are like the little boy caught
breaking a toy who says "Jimmy made me do it". "Look what you made me do!" Now
the P 'projects' on us as they accuse us... "You're the one whose cheating,
destroying the marriage, lying etc.

Those terribly hurtful words hurt us so very much. We are devastated trying to
understand where they came up with the idea. What could we have done that they
reacted so vehemently about? We are stunned by their words. They hurt us to the
core.

So, you ask yourself "Is he doing this just to be intentionally and horribly
cruel? He must know it's ridiculous. Maybe he's using it as a way to end the
relationship, but what a terrible way to do it". That is your rational and very
logical reasoning trying to make sense of what's happening. The truth can be
even uglier. He is indeed saying what he is doing, thinking or planning. Coming
to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a
defence mechanism of their disordered psyche. Professionals are trained to
recognize it. Doctors use it as a barometer in diagnosing a psychiatric problem
vs. a physiological one. Even the most trained and hardened psychotherapy
professionals who often get the brunt of this have a hard time dealing with it.
Our own normal egos get damaged.

To protect yourself from your Ps projecting, try to mentally build a barrier to
stop his words from entering and hurting you. Ignore his words. You might say
something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I need you to stop blaming
me". It's often better to make no remark at all. It's bait, don't take the bait.
Don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. That's what he's after. His
payoff here can be any response from you either by body language, facial
expression or words you use. Keep your ears open, his projection might give you
a good look into what he's doing, and this can benefit anybody facing a
divorce/custody case.

Projection
Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other
people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it
(learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention
away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through
blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism,
allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission
or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the
bully's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial
or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts;
when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague
and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse.
When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it
is the bully who is a coward or has a
  negative attitude.

Tim Field's The Serial Bully site
www.bullyonline.org/workb...Projection

Another interesting aspect 'introjection'. An abuser will mirror every good
quality you possess. He will adopt your likes and dislikes, choices, admire you,
and mimic your characteristics. It is often referred to as "mirroring" us. The
following excerpt explains.

"The analyst is often not only not used as a source but as a toilet to receive
the patient's undesirable feelings or parts of the self. On the other hand, they
often assimilate other people's values or ideas and declare them to be their
own."

The Use of Countertransference in Response to Narcissistic Defenses of Group
Members. Desy Safán-Gerard, Ph.D.
www.desy.com/PDF/Narcissistic.pdf



Understanding this, we can gain some insight into how they appear to be our
'soulmate' in the early 'idealization of us' stage of the relationship. When
they are 'introjecting' or mirroring, they assimilate our plans, philosophies,
dreams and goals. They can mimic our words and ideas. We feel like we've met
someone perfect. It never lasts. The real person, unfortunately is not the P who
was so like us, the real person is the cruel disordered P who eventually
emerges.

The following chilling reality is an excerpt from the above-mentioned
document...


"When primitive aggression directly infiltrates the pathological grandiose self,
we have what Kernberg calls "malignant narcissism." These patients experience
triumph over inflicting fear and pain in others. Their self esteem is enhanced
when they experience sadistic pleasure."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a quick little quiz to take. They are actual words spoken by our N/Ps.
Which is the projection and which is the lie?

1. "You can't count on those people to tell the truth".

2. "I just don't know who you are anymore"

3. "I cheated on you because I was depressed and I was punishing myself."

4. "Never trust anyone!"

5. "I don't want to know anything about your life."

6. "You don't care about the kids, they're a burden to you. All you care about
is your work and being with your friends."

7. "You're a lousy housekeeper."

Answer: The only 'lie' is #3. All others are projection.



------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Very well said Marilyn - has always...you're words are very eloquent and dead
on.
Have a blessed day!

NO CONTACT, No Contact

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NO CONTACT




"Without question, it is this focused, goal-oriented approach to life that
distinguishes winners from losers."
Phil McGraw, PhD

"Self discipline is Self Esteem."
Unknown

"What! Wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice?"
William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)
_______________

"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can
find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain
they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't
hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are
finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud
and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No
Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last
word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries
you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and
what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no
longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."


"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."


"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the
right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about,
ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY
circumstances."


"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are
hurting."


When I was quitting smoking and doing it cold turkey, I came across the
following quote. I think the same applies for NC: "Dig way down inside and find
the place that says, no more not ever never again and then just don't, no matter
what."


"I hope you don't think this No Contact thing is just to teach him a darn good
lesson. If you do, you've missed the whole point altogether."


"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."


"He was so cruel to me. I just called him to tell him...."
The opinions of society are brutal when a target states she's been abused and
then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behaviour is
viewed as utterly stupid, dangerous, ridiculous and silly to the outside world.
It's glaring bad judgement. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and
other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering 'she's as crazy
as he is,' They'll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It's a
huge factor in how they win."


From the BPD Central Site - a Must-Read on Leaving
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm


"My therpist told me it was completely unhealthy to engage in useless talking to
him and to STOP ALL COMMUNICATION!"

"NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be
held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves
--- AND the N!"


"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."


"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."


"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really
zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This
helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant
optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."

"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation
through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same
game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself
what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have
part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."

"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he
came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now,
goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in
detaching."

"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like
sticking my hand in a snake pit."

"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I
cannot stress the no contact rule enough."

"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form
of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve
any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have
no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."

"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone
else. That's why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and
extra hurt."

"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt
you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the
whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay
the blame on someone else. That's why the no contact rule is the only way out of
the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or
change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still
not get any further going round in their crazy circles."

"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No
contact."

"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period
can't be emphasized enough.


"Use the power of silence."


"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."


Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything
to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids,
it creates a "feelings setback" for me."


"But after a while, something amazing will happen... you'll wake up one day with
a renewed sense of clarity, parts of yourself that you've long ago buried will
begin to emerge and you'll begin to feel strong again. If you continue to
maintain NC, your energy will shift, your thoughts will support you instead of
harm you and you'll feel a sense of liberation, the likes of which you haven't
felt in years, if at all. NC is the key to our freedom."


"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start
moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending
process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact
and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly.
My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give
yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded
by anyone."


"Were the Amish with their shunning on to something? I think so."


"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact
with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all,
try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind
is the answer."


"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact
rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".


"The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."


"My no contact was my sabbatical, my retreat. I got to write out in my journal
all the issues. I was able to ferret out the source, the root of all the
problems. There's something very therapeutic about writing them out. Committing
them to paper seems to capture the essence of it all."


"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for
contact will pass."


"Make a No Contact contract and write like mad in a journal. It really does get
clearer and easier with time."


"Any contact you make can and will be used against you.
Conduct yourself accordingly."


"They are tricky. Here's one example. A mother co-parenting with an abuser
called her x about a custody situation. He told her he was busy, call me again.
She tried several times to call him and he filed harassment charges against her.
She was set up. He did this deliberately. She failed to anticipate this response
from him. The court ordered joint counselling, which of course was just
wonderful NS to him. A lot of gullible people learn that the hard way.


"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming
THEY ARE BEING HARRASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Imagine your N's chortling glee
watching you squirm in court."
___________________________________

Starve the Vampire by Sandra Brown M.A.


No Contact




---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up
when they come in the room.
A member's quote





  No Contact Contract

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No Contact Management

Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. (if you have children
- decide via YOUR LAWYER how contact between the parent & child will take place
and visitation. Do NOT engage in any conversations with the other parent aside
from BUSINESS ONLY!!)
This means business only... no personal exchanges



To keep my sanity and end the nonsense, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

THE NO CONTACT CONTRACT

1. I will tell this abuser once only that my decision is to end contact. If s/he
calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all. I will
never contact him/her and I will involve the police if the abuser attempts
contact. I will eliminate every possible way he has for contacting me.

2. No contact includes every single form of contact: mail/email, phone, fax, his
websites, IM, texts - EVERYTHING. This also includes...do NOT ask friends/family
about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. I will get
rid of every item that reminds me of him.

3. I will record if possible any and all contact attempts for police use. I will
remind myself that my abuser will be recording me too. (Anything s/he says is
done to draw me back into the insanity.) I will not allow myself to be provoked
into responding.

4. I will replace any hopeful reunion fantasy with a Clear Memory of a time that
I was insulted, manipulated, lied to, belittled, made to cry, used my children,
friends or family to demean me, embarassed me in front of co-workers, family or
friends or used sex or love as a way to intentionally hurt me.

5. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write,
email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask
myself silently, why am I doing this? I will know that weak times come and go
and I will wait for my strength to return to get me through this.

6. If friends and family are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from
this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask
them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own.
This is My Battle. I will realize that others cannot know the abusive that a
personality disordered person causes.

7. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me
and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the
situation. I will seek professional therapy if I am not progressing.

8. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on
and not dwell on this for ever.

9. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment.

10. I will accept reality - The facts.

11. I will accept others for who they are. I will not try to change others.

12. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on
me.

13. I will refuse to believe any lies about how wonderful his/her life is now.
Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying.

14. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart"

15. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.

16. I must accept my own responsibility in this relationship.

17. I will strive to find what it was that he/she invoked in me that created MY
behavior.

18. We must love ourselves.

19. Take time off before beginning a new relationship. At LEAST a year.

20. Find out what we need in a relationship, and go after that in a person that
is worthy and has GENUINE substance, morals, and ethics.

Accept nothing less for yourself.

No Contact - TheRight Way/The Wrong Way
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm



Last edited by femfree, Mar/30/2009, 11:39 am



---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up
when they come in the room.
A member's quote

PROJECTION: A Glimpse Into Hell
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  (Abbreviations used: N/P Narcissist/Psychopath)

Has your abuser ever accused you of the most vile, cruel lies?Accused you of
being crazy? Twisted everything you say into something grotesque? Most of us
have experienced that with the NP in our lives. We are left emotionally reeling.
The hurt can be nearly unbearable. You were likely experiencing 'projection'. To
make things simple, he is accusing you of what he is THINKING, DOING OR
PLANNING. It is very hurtful to us when they project their thoughts, feelings,
behaviours, and impulses and pathololgize the people they target.

Projection is not an easy concept to learn. We need to twist our way of
thinking. An important part of realizing projection is to remember Ps have the
emotional maturity of a 5-year old!! They are like the little boy caught
breaking a toy who says "Jimmy made me do it". "Look what you made me do!" Now
the P 'projects' on us as they accuse us... "You're the one whose cheating,
destroying the marriage, lying etc.

Those terribly hurtful words hurt us so very much. We are devastated trying to
understand where they came up with the idea. What could we have done that they
reacted so vehemently about? We are stunned by their words. They hurt us to the
core.

So, you ask yourself "Is he doing this just to be intentionally and horribly
cruel? He must know it's ridiculous. Maybe he's using it as a way to end the
relationship, but what a terrible way to do it". That is your rational and very
logical reasoning trying to make sense of what's happening. The truth can be
even uglier. He is indeed saying what he is doing, thinking or planning. Coming
to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a
defence mechanism of their disordered psyche. Professionals are trained to
recognize it. Doctors use it as a barometer in diagnosing a psychiatric problem
vs. a physiological one. Even the most trained and hardened psychotherapy
professionals who often get the brunt of this have a hard time dealing with it.
Our own normal egos get damaged.

To protect yourself from your Ps projecting, try to mentally build a barrier to
stop his words from entering and hurting you. Ignore his words. You might say
something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I need you to stop blaming
me". It's often better to make no remark at all. It's bait, don't take the bait.
Don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. That's what he's after. His
payoff here can be any response from you either by body language, facial
expression or words you use. Keep your ears open, his projection might give you
a good look into what he's doing, and this can benefit anybody facing a
divorce/custody case.

Projection
Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other
people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it
(learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention
away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through
blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism,
allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission
or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the
bully's own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial
or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts;
when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague
and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse.
When the bully makes allegations of, say, "cowardice" or "negative attitude" it
is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.

Tim Field's The Serial Bully site
www.bullyonline.org/workb...Projection

Another interesting aspect 'introjection'. An abuser will mirror every good
quality you possess. He will adopt your likes and dislikes, choices, admire you,
and mimic your characteristics. It is often referred to as "mirroring" us. The
following excerpt explains.

"The analyst is often not only not used as a source but as a toilet to receive
the patient's undesirable feelings or parts of the self. On the other hand, they
often assimilate other people's values or ideas and declare them to be their
own."

The Use of Countertransference in Response to Narcissistic Defenses of Group
Members. Desy Safán-Gerard, Ph.D.
www.desy.com/PDF/Narcissistic.pdf



Understanding this, we can gain some insight into how they appear to be our
'soulmate' in the early 'idealization of us' stage of the relationship. When
they are 'introjecting' or mirroring, they assimilate our plans, philosophies,
dreams and goals. They can mimic our words and ideas. We feel like we've met
someone perfect. It never lasts. The real person, unfortunately is not the P who
was so like us, the real person is the cruel disordered P who eventually
emerges.

The following chilling reality is an excerpt from the above-mentioned
document...


"When primitive aggression directly infiltrates the pathological grandiose self,
we have what Kernberg calls "malignant narcissism." These patients experience
triumph over inflicting fear and pain in others. Their self esteem is enhanced
when they experience sadistic pleasure."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a quick little quiz to take. They are actual words spoken by our N/Ps.
Which is the projection and which is the lie?

1. "You can't count on those people to tell the truth".

2. "I just don't know who you are anymore"

3. "I cheated on you because I was depressed and I was punishing myself."

4. "Never trust anyone!"

5. "I don't want to know anything about your life."

6. "You don't care about the kids, they're a burden to you. All you care about
is your work and being with your friends."

7. "You're a lousy housekeeper."

Answer: The only 'lie' is #3. All others are projection.

Hi Marilyn,
 
 Amazing how hard it is not to get sucked back into their insanity. You
handled your mentally two year old X with great
proficiency. All of your education on abuse has paid off. You get an A+ girl
friend. The truth is that you have out grown him and just don't have the "time"
(pun intended) for him any more. He is just a boring, predictable, text book,
narcissistic abuser.It is always all about them, everyone else is invisible.
Abusers have no eyes and no ears. I wrote a saying that I invented of on a tee
shirt that was displayed across the nation in an anti-abuse campaignin called
the cloths line project. The tee shirt said, "Your ears don't hear, and your
eyes don't see, there's a black hole where your heart should be."  Never doubt
yourself you have evolved into quite aawesomeme lady who's voice is heard, and
who selflessly helps victims of abuse. You did great. Huge Hugs to you, Lauren











 




 






 


 

--- On Thu, 11/12/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:


From: Marilyn <mothertime2001@...>
Subject: [N>Womans Emotional Abuse Support] My Ex called me tonight!
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, November 12, 2009, 5:31 PM


 



It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....

Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think about
what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before that.
After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.

So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs secondary
supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.

He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even opened
the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me how to
fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?

I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.

Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and deed,
I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make me into
an unpleasant person.

He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.

Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I want
to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for bartering
service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my time. His box
came first anyway.

Marilyn




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sounds like it to me. Sheesh, they really don't change.

There was an article on Narcissism posted the other day. It was an interesting
article.

One of the things the author didn't say is that all people have narcissistic
"traits." A personality "disorder" is one that is there forever especially in
narcissism.

A narcissist always seeks attention (supply) from any source. Usually a new
source of adulation is the best. When that isn't available they go back to a
secondary source of supply to see if they can get attention from them. I'm the
secondary source right now.

Marilyn


--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, "S. G. Barber"
<seolfer_rosa@...> wrote:
>
> Sounds like a wise decision to me. I wonder if he dropped the clock off with
you just so he'd have an "in" to abuse you some more.
>
>      Rose
>
> --- On Thu, 11/12/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....
>
> Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my  best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think
about what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before
that. After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.
>
> So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs
secondary supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.
>
> He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even
opened the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me
how to fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?
>
> I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.
>
> Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and
deed, I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make
me into an unpleasant person.
>
> He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.
>
> Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I
want to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for
bartering service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my
time. His box came first anyway.
>
> Marilyn
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

hehehe, thanks marilyn....

--- On Tue, 11/10/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:


From: Marilyn <mothertime2001@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Tuesday, November 10, 2009, 4:20 AM



Wow!!! You're good.

Sam Vaknin is a narcissist. He's so narcissistic (crebral) that he needs to show
off his intelligence. Good for us. He has shared so much about his own
personality disorder and that allows us to spot a narcissist a mile away. He
helped me understand my ex.

Marilyn




--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, Just Me <justbe003@...>
wrote:
>
> Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable.  It
seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was written.  It
was just odd. 
> Curious,
> ~ justbe
>
>
> --- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:
>
>
> From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...>
> Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
> To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
> Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM
>
>
>
> The Abuser's Body Language
>
>
> Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!
>
> Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.
>
> Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.
>
> Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.
>
> But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language
even in a first or casual encounter. These are:
>
> "Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).
>
> The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".
>
> Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of
some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic
session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").
>
> The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.
>
> Idealization or devaluation:: The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.
>
> Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
>
> The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the
very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
>
> For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
>
> In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.
>
> Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
>
> The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.
>
> Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.
>
> In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.
>
> Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.
>
> Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious
about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical,
but rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a
constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.
>
> If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.
>
> This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or
self-effacement. The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury).
Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling,
intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than
others' therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social
intercourse, family obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels
constantly misunderstood.
>
> Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.
>
> Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In
other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or
even gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to
taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").
>
> While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.
>
> Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>       
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>




------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

ah, well, now i understand why it made me uneasy.
Thanks.


--- On Mon, 11/9/09, Lauren <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:


From: Lauren <laurenchristenson@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Monday, November 9, 2009, 6:43 AM


Sam Vankin who is a narcissistic himself and admits it.











 




 






 


 

--- On Sun, 11/8/09, Just Me <justbe003@...> wrote:


From: Just Me <justbe003@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, November 8, 2009, 10:31 PM


 



Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable.  It
seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was written.  It
was just odd. 
Curious,
~ justbe

--- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@ yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@ yahoo.com>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabus esupport@ yahoogroups. com
Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM

The Abuser's Body Language

Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.

Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.

Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.

But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language even
in a first or casual encounter. These are:

"Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).

The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some
kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session,
to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries) , to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").

The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation: : The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator" . But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very
same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.

For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.

In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.

Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.

The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.

Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.

In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.

Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality" . They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious about
himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but
rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant
mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.

If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.

This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement.
The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most
innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than others' therefore,
it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family
obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.

Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.

Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In other
words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or even
gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt,
to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").

While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.

Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.

------------ --------- --------- ------

Yahoo! Groups Links

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sounds like a wise decision to me. I wonder if he dropped the clock off with you
just so he'd have an "in" to abuse you some more.

     Rose

--- On Thu, 11/12/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:



It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....

Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my  best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think
about what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before
that. After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.

So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs secondary
supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.

He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even opened
the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me how to
fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?

I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.

Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and deed,
I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make me into
an unpleasant person.

He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.

Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I want
to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for bartering
service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my time. His box
came first anyway.

Marilyn





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....

Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my  best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think
about what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before
that. After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.

So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs secondary
supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.

He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even opened
the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me how to
fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?

I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.

Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and deed,
I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make me into
an unpleasant person.

He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.

Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I want
to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for bartering
service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my time. His box
came first anyway.

Marilyn

What is his definition of "screw him?"

Does he mean that he thinks we are encouraging you to do the wrong thing to him,
in the sense that we wish him to be a victim of unfair behavior on your part?

Or does he mean that we are encouraging you to get on with your own life, which
involves not making him the focal point of your life? In other words "screw him"
he's not the most important thing at this time, you are more important and you
need to focus on gaining your own independence and right to choose what is best
for you.

If he means the first, then I disagree. No one here wants any harm or disrespect
towards him.

If he means the second then in a way he's right. It's time for you to consider
what is important for you and your well being. Respect towards him should always
be shown but right now you are more important.

Charlene, a man who doesn't want to ~own~ his behavior and his responsibility
for the reason of the breakdown of the marriage tries to isolate you from your
support system. They make you feel guilty about seeing your friends and family.
They also tell their victim that others are out to get them. That just isn't
true. They also make it more troublesome to stay in touch with friends and
family. One of the biggest mistakes a woman makes is to tell herself it's
"easier" to just not talk to her friends and family than to continue to maintain
a close relationship with them. It's not "easier." It's more detrimental to your
OWN reasoning ability. YOU need to decide what is best for you.

If you find the counsel here is not good for your specific life than you need to
take what you need and leave the rest. We are not one size fits all here.

Don't become isolated. Keep in touch with your friends and family. Keep speaking
the truth about his behavior and your goals for your life. What you've told us
is that you want to pursue some dreams of yours. You NEVER said you want to go
out and find another man or spitefully leave or hurt your husband. What you have
said is that the marriage is not good. BOTH of you are suffering because of the
stress that lack of respect causes in a family. You can't continue to live like
that forever. You and he can change the dynamics of your relationship IF both of
you want the marriage to work. It's take TWO to make a marriage work, not one
working on making the other happy at their own expense.

I wonder if he read the words to the song Stupid Boy that were posted here. In
fact he should down load the song and learn it by heart. By trying to clip your
wings he's actually going to lose you in the long run.

My ex husband remained Stupid and he's suffering the loss. There just comes a
time when the effort to make the marriage work is just not worth the effort
anymore. That effort becomes a fruitless job. If your husband LOVES  you, in
action and not only word, then he must also put forth effort into making the
marriage work.

Don't let him falsely accuse us or misrepresent us. We are not about breaking up
marriages, we are about encouraging women to take their lives, rights, respect
and opinions back.

Marilyn





--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, charvmann2 <no_reply@...>
wrote:
>
> i just wanted to let you know i will not be making anymore posts.  my husband
has been reading what i have been posting.  he says you guys are encouraging me
to "screw him & get on w/my life".
>
> i feel almost unbearably discouraged.  i feel desperate & just so tired.  i
would just love to throw in the towel.  i have appreciated all your support &
all the encouragement that is always given.  i wish the best for all of you in
your healing processes.
> charlene
>

I am so sorry - but don't you understand that is just another way for him to
shift the burden of responsibility to someone else for the damage he's doing?
Now it's us that's causing this - not him. They never accept or see what they
are doing! I always got so frustrated with my ex because I knew how good it
could be between us if he didn't treat me the way he did or say the things that
he did. I wanted that so badly that I just couldn't understand HOW he didn't
HEAR the things coming out of his mouth when he said awful things to me. I would
ask him nicely when things were calm how he would like it if I said those
horrible things to him....I would just get a blank stare - he honestly had no
idea what I was talking about. When he said things that were really cruel and I
would cry, he would just ask me what the hell my problem was!
It is so sad that things have to turn out the way they do - please don't give
up....life is so much better when someone isn't telling you every little thing
that's "wrong" with you. No one on this earth is perfect - we all have strengths
and we all have weaknesses. In the year and half that I have been gone I have
started to see mine. Now I praise myself for the strengths and build on them and
I am working hard on the weaknesses. I haven't even looked at another man and
won't until I feel I am in control of my emotions 100%
Please don't leave here because of him - let him read - maybe, just maybe he
will learn some things!
I will keep you in my prayers!

Good Luck Charlene,
 
Abusers never want their partners to have friends, family, love, or moral
support. Your husband is so typical, we have had so many abusers in here
snooping around. You will be back, it is impossible to deal with abuse with out
any moral support or counseling. Good Luck, Hugs and Prayers Lauren











 




 






 


 

--- On Thu, 11/12/09, charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com> wrote:


From: charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] no more
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, November 12, 2009, 6:27 AM


 



i just wanted to let you know i will not be making anymore posts. my husband has
been reading what i have been posting. he says you guys are encouraging me to
"screw him & get on w/my life".

i feel almost unbearably discouraged. i feel desperate & just so tired. i would
just love to throw in the towel. i have appreciated all your support & all the
encouragement that is always given. i wish the best for all of you in your
healing processes.
charlene








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

i just wanted to let you know i will not be making anymore posts.  my husband
has been reading what i have been posting.  he says you guys are encouraging me
to "screw him & get on w/my life".

i feel almost unbearably discouraged.  i feel desperate & just so tired.  i
would just love to throw in the towel.  i have appreciated all your support &
all the encouragement that is always given.  i wish the best for all of you in
your healing processes.
charlene

Hello Everyone!

Here is a FRESH selection of stuff members can collect for nothing

There is lots to grab in this new Giveaway Mix!

http://groups.google.com/group/freebieshare/web/giveaway-mix-november-12

Enjoy!

Me, me, me!
America's 'Narcissism Epidemic'
by Laura Knight-Jadczyk

Introduction by Sandra:

There are two forms of narcissism. The diagnosable personality
disorder that some people have and the EFFECTS of narcissism on a
culture. While I don't normally run someone else's articles, I
thought this was profoundly important. We can be as a society very
effected by a pathological worldview in which personality disorders
and psychopathy's view of others, self, and the world negatively
effect other's view of the same things. Not only can we argue that
there is a rise of a narcissistic culture, but we may well be on to a
step above that in developing a similar psychopathic culture,
influenced greatly by a rising predominant attitude of anti-social
and unempathic views. I think this article (and book) highlights what
can happen to a cultural view from exposure to long term pathological beliefs.

The Article:

Authors say long-term consequences are destructive to society. In
their new book, The Narcissism Epidemic, psychologists Jean M. Twenge
and W. Keith Campbell explore the rise of narcissism in American
culture and explain how this can lead to aggression, materialism and
shallow values. An excerpt.

Introduction

We didn't have to look very hard to find it. It was everywhere.

On a reality TV show, a girl planning her sixteenth birthday party
wants a major road blocked off so a marching band can precede her
grand entrance on a red carpet. A book called "My Beautiful Mommy"
explains plastic surgery to young children whose mothers are going
under the knife for the trendy "Mommy Makeover." It is now possible
to hire fake paparazzi to follow you around snapping your photograph
when you go out at night - you can even take home a faux celebrity
magazine cover featuring the pictures.

A popular song declares, with no apparent sarcasm, "I believe that
the world should revolve around me!" People buy expensive homes with
loans far beyond their ability to pay - or at least they did until
the mortgage market collapsed as a result. Babies wear bibs
embroidered with "Supermodel" or "Chick Magnet" and suck on "Bling"
pacifiers while their parents read modernized nursery rhymes from
This Little Piggy Went to Prada. People strive to create a "personal
brand" (also called "self-branding" ), packaging themselves like a
product to be sold. Ads for financial services proclaim that
retirement helps you return to childhood and pursue your dreams. High
school students pummel classmates and then seek attention for their
violence by posting YouTube videos of the beatings.

Although these seem like a random collection of current trends, all
are rooted in a single underlying shift in the American psychology:
the relentless rise of narcissism in our culture. Not only are there
more narcissists than ever, but non-narcissistic people are seduced
by the increasing emphasis on material wealth, physical appearance,
celebrity worship, and attention seeking. Standards have shifted,
sucking otherwise humble people into the vortex of granite
countertops, tricked-out MySpace pages, and plastic surgery. A
popular dance track repeats the words "money, success, fame, glamour"
over and over, declaring that all other values have "either been
discredited or destroyed."

The United States is currently suffering from an epidemic of
narcissism. Merriam-Webster' s dictionary defines an epidemic as an
affliction "affecting ... a disproportionately large number of
individuals within a population," and narcissism more than fits the
bill. In data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality
traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present,
with the shift especially pronounced for women.

The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with scores rising faster in
the 2000s than in previous decades. By 2006, 1 out of 4 college
students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure
of narcissistic traits. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the
more severe, clinically diagnosed version of the trait, is also far
more common than once thought. Nearly 1 out of 10 of Americans in
their twenties, and 1 out of 16 of those of all ages, has experienced
the symptoms of NPD. Even these shocking numbers are just the tip of
the iceberg; lurking underneath is the narcissistic culture that has
drawn in many more. The narcissism epidemic has spread to the culture
as a whole, affecting both narcissistic and less self-centered people.

Like a disease, narcissism is caused by certain factors, spreads
through particular channels, appears as various symptoms, and might
be halted by preventive measures and cures. Narcissism is a
psychocultural affliction rather than a physical disease, but the
model fits remarkably well. We have structured the book according to
this model, explaining the epidemic's diagnosis, root causes,
symptoms, and prognosis.

Like the obesity epidemic, the narcissism epidemic has not affected
everyone in the same way. More people are obese, just as more people
are narcissistic, but there are still those who exercise and eat
right, and still those who are humble and caring. Even the less
self-absorbed have witnessed narcissistic behavior on TV, online, or
in real-life interactions with friends, family, or coworkers. The
mortgage meltdown that led to the financial crisis of 2008 was
caused, in part, by the narcissistic overconfidence of homebuyers who
claimed they could afford houses too expensive for them and greedy
lenders who were willing to take big risks with other people's money.
In one way or another, the narcissism epidemic has touched every American.

In the last few years, narcissism has become a popular buzzword, used
to explain the behavior of everyone from hooker-obsessed former New
York governor Eliot Spitzer to famous-for-being-famous Paris Hilton.
Others have diagnosed themselves: former presidential candidate John
Edwards explained his extramarital affair by stating, "In the course
of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and
became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic. " As the New York
Times noted, narcissism "has become the go-to diagnosis by
columnists, bloggers, and television psychologists. We love to label
the offensive behavior of others to separate them from us.
'Narcissist' is among our current favorites."

Despite the popularity of narcissism as a label, it is difficult to
find scientifically verified information on it outside academic
journal articles. Many websites on narcissism are based on some
combination of conjecture, personal experience, and poorly understood
psychoanalytic theories. Christopher Lasch's 1979 bestselling book,
The Culture of Narcissism, though fascinating, was written before any
serious research explored the personality and behavior of
narcissists. Books such as "Why Is It Always About You?" and "Freeing
Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life" were written by
established psychotherapists and use case studies of individuals with
NPD. This approach is important, but largely ignores the scientific
data on the topic.

We take a different approach in this book, describing the
now-extensive scientific research on the truth about narcissists and
why they behave the way they do. We believe that with a topic as
complex as narcissism, the empirical research is the place to begin.

Narcissism is an attention-getting term, and we do not use it
lightly. We discuss some research on NPD, but primarily concentrate
on narcissistic personality traits among the normal population -
behavior and attitudes that don't go far enough to merit a clinical
diagnosis but that can nevertheless be destructive to the individual
and other people. This "normal" narcissism is potentially even more
harmful because it is so much more common. Of course, much of what we
discuss applies to individuals with NPD as well.

Narcissism is not simply a confident attitude or a healthy feeling of
self-worth. As we explore in chapters 2 and 3, narcissists are
overconfident, not just confident, and - unlike most people high in
self-esteem - place little value on emotionally close relationships.
We will also address other myths, such as "narcissists are insecure"
(they're typically not), and "it's necessary to be narcissistic to
succeed today" (in most contexts, and long term, narcissism is
actually a deterrent to success).

Understanding the narcissism epidemic is important because its
long-term consequences are destructive to society. American culture's
focus on self-admiration has caused a flight from reality to the land
of grandiose fantasy. We have phony rich people (with interest-only
mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty (with plastic surgery and
cosmetic procedures), phony athletes (with performance-enhancing
drugs), phony celebrities (via reality TV and YouTube), phony genius
students (with grade inflation), a phony national economy (with $11
trillion of government debt), phony feelings of being special among
children (with parenting and education focused on self-esteem), and
phony friends (with the social networking explosion). All this
fantasy might feel good, but, unfortunately, reality always wins. The
mortgage meltdown and the resulting financial crisis are just one
demonstration of how inflated desires eventually crash to earth.

The cultural focus on self-admiration began with the shift toward
focusing on the individual in the 1970s, documented in Tom Wolf's
article on "The Me Decade" in 1976 and Lasch's The Culture of
Narcissism. In the three decades since, narcissism has grown in ways
these authors never could have imagined. The fight for the greater
good of the 1960s became looking out for number one by the 1980s.
Parenting became more indulgent, celebrity worship grew, and reality
TV became a showcase of narcissistic people. The Internet brought
useful technology but also the possibility of instant fame and a
"Look at me!" mentality. Using botulinum toxin to smooth facial
wrinkles to perpetuate a youthful face birthed a huge industry. The
easy accessibility of credit allowed people to look better off
financially than they actually were.

Jean's first book, Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are
More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever
Before, explored the cultural shifts in self-focus that affected
people born after 1970 and - because the trends continued to
accelerate - especially those born in the 1980s and '90s. In The
Narcissism Epidemic, we widen our focus to Americans of all ages, and
to the entire culture. Younger people bear the brunt of the changes
because this is the only world they have ever known, but retirement
ads promising extravagant fantasies (own your own vineyard!) suggest
that the epidemic has reached far up the age scale. And although we
present data on the growing number of narcissistic individuals, we
concentrate on the rise in cultural narcissism - changes in behavior
and attitudes that reflect narcissistic cultural values, whether the
individuals themselves are narcissistic or simply caught up in a
societal trend.

When observing cultural change - especially changes in the negative
direction - one runs the risk of mistaking one's aging for a true
shift in culture. Change is difficult to take when you're older, and
it's easy to conclude that the world is going to hell in a
handbasket. We have tried to avoid this bias by finding as much hard
data and considering as many perspectives as we could. Many cultural
changes were eminently quantifiable: the fivefold increase in plastic
surgery and cosmetic procedures in just ten years, the growth of
celebrity gossip magazines, Americans spending more than they earn
and racking up huge amounts of debt, the growing size of houses, the
increasing popularity of giving children unique names, polling data
on the importance of being rich and famous, and the growing number of
people who cheat. We also journeyed outside the research data by
gathering stories and opinions through our online survey at
www.narcissismepidemic.com (we have changed respondents' names and,
in some cases, identifying information) . Since this is a book about
culture, we explore media events, pop culture happenings, and
Internet phenomena. We also talked to our students to get
perspectives from the younger generation. We were somewhat shocked to
find that many graduate students - most in their mid-twenties - think
things have gotten worse in their lifetimes. Undergraduates are more
accepting of the current culture but often report feeling tremendous
pressure to self-promote and keep up in a materialistic world.

The kernel of the idea for this book was planted in 1999 in a
basement office at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. We
were both working as postdocs - a kind of research limbo between
graduate school and hoped-for professorships - in the lab of Roy
Baumeister, a well-known social psychologist. There's not much to do
in Cleveland, especially in the winter, so we ended up talking a lot
in our shared office. Sometimes we were actively procrastinating -
Jean recalls one conversation about weight loss in which our fellow
postdoc Julie Exline described a diet pill that supposedly contained
a tapeworm. Before she could even finish the story, Keith began
yelling "Urban legend!" and looked it up on the nascent Internet (he
was right). Most of the time, though, we talked about ideas. Keith
would describe his latest study on the behavior of narcissistic
people, and Jean would talk about trends in American culture and how
they were showing up in personality traits. Almost immediately we
thought about looking at trends in narcissism, but in 1999 the
standard measure of narcissism had only been around for 10 years,
which wasn't long enough to do a solid study of change over time.

That study would have to wait for the summer of 2006, when Jean was
seven months pregnant and couldn't do much but sit at her computer.
By then, we had both married and settled into jobs across the country
from each other (Keith at the University of Georgia, far from where
he grew up in Southern California, and Jean at San Diego State
University, far from where she grew up in Minnesota and Texas). Our
coauthors on this project were renowned narcissism and aggression
researcher Brad Bushman and two former students (now faculty), Joshua
Foster and Sara Konrath. The rise in college students' narcissism
over the generations was clear, and when we released the study in
February 2007, it was covered by the Associated Press and many other
news outlets. It was an interesting first day back on the job for
Jean after a four-month maternity leave. One TV crew setting up a
standard "walking" shot asked Jean to carry her briefcase so she
would "look more professional. " "Guys," Jean said, "That's not my
briefcase. It's my breast pump."

When Jean got home that night, the full impact hit her: the story had
been covered by the NBC Nightly News, Fox News Channel, and National
Public Radio, and both Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien made jokes about
it. The AP story appeared in more than one hundred newspapers around
the country, prompting a slew of editorials, newspaper columns, and
e-mails. Much of the feedback was positive, but we also received
intense questioning and harsh criticism, some of it based on
misunderstandings about what narcissism is and how it is measured.

That was when we realized we'd hit a nerve. We also realized that the
narcissism epidemic went far beyond the changing personalities of
college students. The American culture was shifting in a fundamental
way, and we wanted to document it - and figure out how to stop it.
Every time we turned on the TV, it seemed that another symptom of
narcissism was rearing its ugly head - Botox ads, the mortgage
meltdown, fake paparazzi. We found so many examples of narcissism in
American culture that we had to stop collecting them. This book could
have been twice as long.

***

We want this book to be a wake-up call. In contrast to the obesity
epidemic, which has been widely publicized, Americans have become
inured to the incivility, exhibitionism, and celebrity obsession
caused by the narcissism epidemic. It's taken for granted that a baby
bib saying "Supermodel" is "cute." "Having changed ourselves, we no
longer perceive our transformation, " wrote Roger Kimball in the New
Criterion. We've gotten so turned around that some people now argue
that narcissism is good (as we discuss in Chapter 3, narcissism has
some short-term benefits to the self, but is not good for other
people, society, or even the narcissist himself in the long run).
Even when trends are recognized for their negative effects - such as
the fistfights on YouTube or teens posting inappropriate pictures of
themselves online - people rarely connect the dots to see that these
trends are all related to the rise in narcissism.

Recognizing the narcissism epidemic is the first step to stopping it.
The analogy to the obesity epidemic is useful here. Definite steps
are being taken to combat obesity: soda machines are being removed
from schools, exercise programs suggested, and nutrition education
plans implemented. Not so with narcissism. In many cases, the
suggested cure for narcissistic behavior is "feeling good about
yourself." After all, the thinking goes, fourteen-year- old Megan
wouldn't post revealing pictures of herself on MySpace if she had
higher self-esteem. So parents redouble their efforts, telling Megan
she's special, beautiful, and great. This is like suggesting that an
obese person would feel much better if she just ate more doughnuts.
Megan wants everyone to see just how beautiful and special she is,
and it's not because she thinks she is ugly - it's because she thinks
she's hot and, perhaps more importantly, because she lives in a
narcissistic society where she might garner praise, status, and
"friends" by displaying blatant sexuality.

In fact, narcissism causes almost all of the things that Americans
hoped high self-esteem would prevent, including aggression,
materialism, lack of caring for others, and shallow values. In trying
to build a society that celebrates high self-esteem, self-expression,
and "loving yourself," Americans have inadvertently created more
narcissists - and a culture that brings out the narcissistic behavior
in all of us. This book chronicles American culture's journey from
self-admiration, which seemed so good, to the corrosive narcissism
that threatens to infect us all.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"cpaquin73"  wrote:
>
> I have recently been shown the light that all of the name calling and
derogatory comments and other things my husband says to me are actually verbal
abuse. It is such a relief to know that I am not crazy.

Not only aren't you crazy but you are also not alone. That helps us become
stronger women.



//One of the best websites I have found on this topic is
www.youarenotcrazy.com.//


I'll have to look into that one. I like the name.

//I have begun counseling, but have not yet chosen to leave my husband. I have
to get my ducks in a row, so to speak,//


You don't have to leave your husband. You do need to learn about abusive
behavior, recognize it and then stand against it. Call him on his abuse. Don't
stand around and listen to it. There are things you can do to take back your own
life in your "own" home.


  //because we have kids and he is from out of the country and has used the
threat of taking the kids across the border where I will  never see them
again.//

You're NOT over analyzing that threat and abusive behavior.


// My question lately has become being able to tell the difference between
normal disagreements and the abuse. I find myself over-analyzing everything he
says, or expecting what he says to lead to something else.//


A normal disagreement is when 2 people can discuss their opinions, have the
other person ~hear and listen~ to what the other has to say. Then the other
partner is ~allowed~ to express their opinion and the partner also hears what
they have to say. The bottom line of norman disagreements is that both can agree
to disagree.

In a marriage where disagreements take place the couple can come to a compromise
in handling the disagreement.

In an abusive relationship sometimes the abused has to learn to say NO! I'm not
doing that. For example if one of them wants to max out their finances in credit
cards.

Don't expect things to go in a bad direction. Listen to what they are saying,
think about it before answering. If you're not ready to answer say so then
answer after you've thought about it.

  //feel like I am twisting things out of proportion sometimes and making myself
feel even more crazy. Any thoughts or advice on this for someone who is just
starting to see the light?//

Read, read, read about abusive behavior. The Verbaly Abusive Relationship by
Patricia Evans is a good book to read. It helps you understand the dynamics of
an abusive relationship and explains abusive behaviors. After I read the book I
was able to spot the abusive behavior taking place. I called him on his words
and made him explain what he meant when he called me names or said derogatory
things about me. In other words I didn't accept his false statements about me
any longer. When push came to shove he had to be responsible for his words.

My ex called me all kinds of things. The straw that broke the camels back was
when he called me stupid and an idiot. Simple compared to what he had called me
in the past but I was done with it all. Even he couldn't understand why those
words made me done with the relationship. Stupid and idiot were just the spring
board for more belittling and degragotory words.

You'll know. As you become more educated you'll just know.

Right now it's time to think about yourself, your feelings, your own opinion.
That's enough work.

Marilyn
>

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce
Moving on after a relationship ends

It's never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever
the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a
long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and
trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you
can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and
stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the
experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.
Healing after a divorce or breakup
Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A
divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the
relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships
begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these
relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is
disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with
extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings
uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will
you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse
than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it's important to
know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing
takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce
Recognize that it's OK to have different feelings. It's normal to feel sad,
angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You
also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will
lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown
is frightening.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a
less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as
productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you're accustomed to
for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup
and re-energize.
Don't go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can
help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can
talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress
levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work,
relationships and overall health. Don't be afraid to get outside help if you
need it.
Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love
relationship involves multiple losses:

Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been
consistently pleasurable)
Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical
losses)
Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear
that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you'll be stuck in a
dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing
process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old
relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won't last
forever.

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:
Don't fight your feelings – It's normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel
many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear,
and confusion. It's important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While
these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will
only prolong the grieving process.
Talk about how you're feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about
your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so
when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make
you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also
be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate
you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to
over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger
and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and
moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person,
you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you
grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact
that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
For more information on grieving, see Coping with Grief and Loss.

Am I depressed or having a normal reaction to the divorce or breakup?
Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after awhile, the sadness begins to
lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you
don't feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression. When
grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some
people describe it as "living in a black hole" or feeling numb, lifeless and
empty.

To learn more, see Understanding Depression.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process
Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might
feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more
difficult. Don't try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through
painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is
like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new
relationships.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who
to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive
and who truly listen to you. It's important that you feel free to be honest
about what you're going through, without worrying about being judged,
criticized, or told what to do.
Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn't come
naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most
important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable
opening up.
Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network
along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a
networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in
community activities, or volunteer at your school, synagogue, or church.
Children and Divorce
If you're a parent, you may be worried about the effect of the divorce on your
children. While divorce can be hard on kids, you can help them through this
difficult time.

Helping your Child Cope with Separation or Divorce

Co-parenting After a Separation or Divorce

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup
A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you're going through
the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it's more important
than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup
leaves you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you're
getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in
your life, and reduce your workload if possible.

Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you
learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and
begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of
yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips:
Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily
time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature,
listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a
yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your
needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be
different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a
way of honoring what is right for you.
Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every
area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos.
Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure
and normalcy.
Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months
after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city.
If you can, wait until you're feeling less emotional so that you can make better
decisions.
Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you're in the middle of a
breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and
loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and
destructive in the long run. It's essential to find healthier ways of coping
with painful feelings.
Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end.
Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new
activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than
dwelling on the past.
Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise
When you're going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits
easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or
overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because
of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work
you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don't
make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup
In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just
because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn't mean that
nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a
time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this
experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what
happened and acknowledging the part you played. It's important to understand how
the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is
the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:
Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of
the relationship?
Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in
relationship after relationship?
Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could
you act in a more constructive way?
Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way
they could or "should" be.
Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in
control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?
You'll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process.
Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As
you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about
yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you
are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the
reasons why you chose your former partner, you'll be able to see where you went
wrong and make better choices next time.

I didn't write this but found it very moving.

ALONE

Alone and scared, is anyone there? she cries in the night, doesn't anyone care?

left all alone, with her shame, she must face, No one can know, she is such a
disgrace, Numbing the hurt, behind the pain she tries to hide, Maybe no one will
see her tears or the scars on the inside,

This morning she woke, just like any other day, Tonight her innocence is gone,
stolen away,

Was it something she said? was it something she did? She blames herself for the
position she is in,

"Where is God?" she thinks, "Doesn't HE even care?" She looks around for him,
but doesn't see him there,

Feeling dirty, like garbage, like someone whose bad, She thinks to herself no
one will ever want me, Maybe "He'll" take me back..

After all, he did this, maybe he likes me, in some way, I have nothing left to
live for, I guess I can take it another day....

Behind The Fear Of Breakup
Fear is one of the strong forces that drive one to failure. It lingers with many
faces, and may seem to follow around like a shadow. One gets afraid of
situations, and even in a positive side of loving. It may seem perfect, yet
there is fear of being lonely. Why will a person be afraid of breakup?

When one surrenders to someone by giving commitment, what is at stake is the
whole being. But this varies from person to person. A relationship does not end
in sweet expressions, but it is just the beginning. Surrendering the utmost
privacy starts by giving a piece of oneself in form of conversation,
aspirations, dreams, secrets, trust, ideas, passion. In some other form, it is
giving off the ego and letting someone guard or take hold of it. But this is
abstract. What if someone has intimate relationship? It is almost the same as
giving one's soul. Again, there is this haunting on being afraid to lose
someone. And as time goes by, without any promise of security, this leads to a
more painful thought that one gets too afraid of it.

Ask yourself: "why be afraid of breakup?

As if it is easy to pacify and give perfect answer to this question. A love that
is full of fear is not comforting but a doom lay unsaid. It is a very NEGATIVE
emotion. One must guard oneself from being a slave of this thinking because it
will lead and attract consequential emotions like jealousy in its destructive
sense. A person will cling and strangle his loved one by this behavior. This
fear of breakup is an indication that one is afraid not exactly on losing the
love, but what was entrusted to the other. Is it fear of losing the ego? Afraid
of losing what is at stake?

What is there to lose after giving up everything? Say after many years of
building a dream with someone… because breaking up could mean 50 years of being
in a roller coaster relationship. Of course, that is not a very easy thing to
console with mere words. Sorry or apology can never put comfort to years of
struggle in keeping the boat sailing constantly just like the way the
relationship works. What if there are children? The fruits of a relationship of
course emerged not anywhere but form the outcome of the process. It will really
be painful that one gets too afraid of breakup. It is breaking the children's
heart that is more painful even more because it turns into long term attachment.

Settling the matters of breakup has legalities in case of married people. If
everything is hopeless, there is no other option but legal conjugal settlements
of divorce and annulment. In this way, assets will be well taken care of for the
future of the beneficiaries. It is justifiable and fair for both spouses,
although it is the emotional impact that makes things harder. For childless
couple, unless there is exchange of assets, more or less the problem is on the
emotional side. Thus, it is advisable that young couples must not indulge in
careless sexual relationship that can harm each other's decisions while they are
not yet prepared to commit to a full term responsible relationship. The pain of
breakup is insurmountable after consequences are not avoidable. Say, pregnancy
after breakup is a lifetime problem to endure.

Being afraid of breaking up goes hand in hand with insecurity. The person has no
guarantee of getting the amount of love given away. If children are at stake,
what will happen afterwards? There are many people who have undergone this
plight and they tell different stories. Most problems in the society as a whole
are just the by-product of this breakup. So there is really something to be
afraid of breaking up if the consequences are equal to the world itself.

As it is the walk of life, one can only choose the lesser evil, otherwise,
prevent the breakup from happening, which is realistically impossible to many.
It is the making of a choice decided by no one but by the individuals concerned.
The pain will dwell within but time has ways of washing it away. The wound will
heal but it will leave a scar. That is reality.