Hi Marilyn,
 
 Amazing how hard it is not to get sucked back into their insanity. You
handled your mentally two year old X with great
proficiency. All of your education on abuse has paid off. You get an A+ girl
friend. The truth is that you have out grown him and just don't have the "time"
(pun intended) for him any more. He is just a boring, predictable, text book,
narcissistic abuser.It is always all about them, everyone else is invisible.
Abusers have no eyes and no ears. I wrote a saying that I invented of on a tee
shirt that was displayed across the nation in an anti-abuse campaignin called
the cloths line project. The tee shirt said, "Your ears don't hear, and your
eyes don't see, there's a black hole where your heart should be."  Never doubt
yourself you have evolved into quite aawesomeme lady who's voice is heard, and
who selflessly helps victims of abuse. You did great. Huge Hugs to you, Lauren











 




 






 


 

--- On Thu, 11/12/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:


From: Marilyn <mothertime2001@...>
Subject: [N>Womans Emotional Abuse Support] My Ex called me tonight!
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, November 12, 2009, 5:31 PM


 



It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....

Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think about
what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before that.
After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.

So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs secondary
supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.

He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even opened
the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me how to
fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?

I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.

Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and deed,
I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make me into
an unpleasant person.

He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.

Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I want
to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for bartering
service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my time. His box
came first anyway.

Marilyn




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sounds like it to me. Sheesh, they really don't change.

There was an article on Narcissism posted the other day. It was an interesting
article.

One of the things the author didn't say is that all people have narcissistic
"traits." A personality "disorder" is one that is there forever especially in
narcissism.

A narcissist always seeks attention (supply) from any source. Usually a new
source of adulation is the best. When that isn't available they go back to a
secondary source of supply to see if they can get attention from them. I'm the
secondary source right now.

Marilyn


--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, "S. G. Barber"
<seolfer_rosa@...> wrote:
>
> Sounds like a wise decision to me. I wonder if he dropped the clock off with
you just so he'd have an "in" to abuse you some more.
>
>      Rose
>
> --- On Thu, 11/12/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....
>
> Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my  best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think
about what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before
that. After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.
>
> So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs
secondary supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.
>
> He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even
opened the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me
how to fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?
>
> I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.
>
> Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and
deed, I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make
me into an unpleasant person.
>
> He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.
>
> Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I
want to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for
bartering service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my
time. His box came first anyway.
>
> Marilyn
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

hehehe, thanks marilyn....

--- On Tue, 11/10/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:


From: Marilyn <mothertime2001@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Tuesday, November 10, 2009, 4:20 AM



Wow!!! You're good.

Sam Vaknin is a narcissist. He's so narcissistic (crebral) that he needs to show
off his intelligence. Good for us. He has shared so much about his own
personality disorder and that allows us to spot a narcissist a mile away. He
helped me understand my ex.

Marilyn




--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, Just Me <justbe003@...>
wrote:
>
> Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable.  It
seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was written.  It
was just odd. 
> Curious,
> ~ justbe
>
>
> --- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:
>
>
> From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...>
> Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
> To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
> Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM
>
>
>
> The Abuser's Body Language
>
>
> Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!
>
> Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.
>
> Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.
>
> Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.
>
> But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language
even in a first or casual encounter. These are:
>
> "Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).
>
> The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".
>
> Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of
some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic
session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").
>
> The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.
>
> Idealization or devaluation:: The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.
>
> Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
>
> The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the
very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
>
> For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
>
> In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.
>
> Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
>
> The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.
>
> Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.
>
> In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.
>
> Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.
>
> Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious
about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical,
but rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a
constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.
>
> If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.
>
> This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or
self-effacement. The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury).
Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling,
intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than
others' therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social
intercourse, family obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels
constantly misunderstood.
>
> Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.
>
> Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In
other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or
even gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to
taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").
>
> While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.
>
> Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>       
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>




------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

ah, well, now i understand why it made me uneasy.
Thanks.


--- On Mon, 11/9/09, Lauren <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:


From: Lauren <laurenchristenson@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Monday, November 9, 2009, 6:43 AM


Sam Vankin who is a narcissistic himself and admits it.











 




 






 


 

--- On Sun, 11/8/09, Just Me <justbe003@...> wrote:


From: Just Me <justbe003@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, November 8, 2009, 10:31 PM


 



Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable.  It
seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was written.  It
was just odd. 
Curious,
~ justbe

--- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@ yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@ yahoo.com>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabus esupport@ yahoogroups. com
Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM

The Abuser's Body Language

Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.

Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.

Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.

But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language even
in a first or casual encounter. These are:

"Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).

The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some
kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session,
to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries) , to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").

The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation: : The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator" . But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very
same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.

For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.

In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.

Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.

The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.

Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.

In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.

Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality" . They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious about
himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but
rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant
mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.

If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.

This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement.
The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most
innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than others' therefore,
it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family
obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.

Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.

Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In other
words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or even
gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt,
to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").

While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.

Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.

------------ --------- --------- ------

Yahoo! Groups Links

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sounds like a wise decision to me. I wonder if he dropped the clock off with you
just so he'd have an "in" to abuse you some more.

     Rose

--- On Thu, 11/12/09, Marilyn <mothertime2001@...> wrote:



It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....

Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my  best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think
about what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before
that. After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.

So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs secondary
supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.

He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even opened
the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me how to
fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?

I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.

Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and deed,
I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make me into
an unpleasant person.

He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.

Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I want
to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for bartering
service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my time. His box
came first anyway.

Marilyn





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

It's been awhile since I've had the pleasure to speak to my ex husband. He
called me out of the blue....

Well not really, he dropped a car clock off for me to fix if I can. He dropped
it off Sun. and expected me to have taken a look at by now. That just doesn't
happen to even my  best of customers. When I'm not distracted and can think
about what I'm looking at, then I do so and not a minute (pun intended) before
that. After all, I'm in the hour and minute business.

So out of the blue he calls me tonight. A narcissist indeed! He needs secondary
supply right now. That's why he's been sniffing around.

He told me what I was thinking, what my motives are since I haven't even opened
the box the clock is in, and how to run ~my~ business. He even told me how to
fix the clock. So the question lingers....why didn't he fix it himself?

I spoke to him awhile thinking he may be depressed and I may need to call his
family if I thought he was suicidal. Instead I got caught, slightly, into his
web of chaos of the mind. I didn't have to give him any explanations but I did,
in case he forgot what it's like to be self employed. He's not employed at all
so he doesn't have a clue what being busy is all about.

Being away from the chaos of having to defend my every action, thought and deed,
I have no patience for it anymore. It does nothing but upset me and make me into
an unpleasant person.

He's picking up his clock Saturday, box still unopened. He's going to look for
someone else to jump through his hoops.

Now I'll have time to look at my mechanics car clock and choose the price I want
to repair it. If I choose not to charge him it will be in return for bartering
service with my vehicle. I think my mechanic is more worthy of my time. His box
came first anyway.

Marilyn

What is his definition of "screw him?"

Does he mean that he thinks we are encouraging you to do the wrong thing to him,
in the sense that we wish him to be a victim of unfair behavior on your part?

Or does he mean that we are encouraging you to get on with your own life, which
involves not making him the focal point of your life? In other words "screw him"
he's not the most important thing at this time, you are more important and you
need to focus on gaining your own independence and right to choose what is best
for you.

If he means the first, then I disagree. No one here wants any harm or disrespect
towards him.

If he means the second then in a way he's right. It's time for you to consider
what is important for you and your well being. Respect towards him should always
be shown but right now you are more important.

Charlene, a man who doesn't want to ~own~ his behavior and his responsibility
for the reason of the breakdown of the marriage tries to isolate you from your
support system. They make you feel guilty about seeing your friends and family.
They also tell their victim that others are out to get them. That just isn't
true. They also make it more troublesome to stay in touch with friends and
family. One of the biggest mistakes a woman makes is to tell herself it's
"easier" to just not talk to her friends and family than to continue to maintain
a close relationship with them. It's not "easier." It's more detrimental to your
OWN reasoning ability. YOU need to decide what is best for you.

If you find the counsel here is not good for your specific life than you need to
take what you need and leave the rest. We are not one size fits all here.

Don't become isolated. Keep in touch with your friends and family. Keep speaking
the truth about his behavior and your goals for your life. What you've told us
is that you want to pursue some dreams of yours. You NEVER said you want to go
out and find another man or spitefully leave or hurt your husband. What you have
said is that the marriage is not good. BOTH of you are suffering because of the
stress that lack of respect causes in a family. You can't continue to live like
that forever. You and he can change the dynamics of your relationship IF both of
you want the marriage to work. It's take TWO to make a marriage work, not one
working on making the other happy at their own expense.

I wonder if he read the words to the song Stupid Boy that were posted here. In
fact he should down load the song and learn it by heart. By trying to clip your
wings he's actually going to lose you in the long run.

My ex husband remained Stupid and he's suffering the loss. There just comes a
time when the effort to make the marriage work is just not worth the effort
anymore. That effort becomes a fruitless job. If your husband LOVES  you, in
action and not only word, then he must also put forth effort into making the
marriage work.

Don't let him falsely accuse us or misrepresent us. We are not about breaking up
marriages, we are about encouraging women to take their lives, rights, respect
and opinions back.

Marilyn





--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, charvmann2 <no_reply@...>
wrote:
>
> i just wanted to let you know i will not be making anymore posts.  my husband
has been reading what i have been posting.  he says you guys are encouraging me
to "screw him & get on w/my life".
>
> i feel almost unbearably discouraged.  i feel desperate & just so tired.  i
would just love to throw in the towel.  i have appreciated all your support &
all the encouragement that is always given.  i wish the best for all of you in
your healing processes.
> charlene
>

I am so sorry - but don't you understand that is just another way for him to
shift the burden of responsibility to someone else for the damage he's doing?
Now it's us that's causing this - not him. They never accept or see what they
are doing! I always got so frustrated with my ex because I knew how good it
could be between us if he didn't treat me the way he did or say the things that
he did. I wanted that so badly that I just couldn't understand HOW he didn't
HEAR the things coming out of his mouth when he said awful things to me. I would
ask him nicely when things were calm how he would like it if I said those
horrible things to him....I would just get a blank stare - he honestly had no
idea what I was talking about. When he said things that were really cruel and I
would cry, he would just ask me what the hell my problem was!
It is so sad that things have to turn out the way they do - please don't give
up....life is so much better when someone isn't telling you every little thing
that's "wrong" with you. No one on this earth is perfect - we all have strengths
and we all have weaknesses. In the year and half that I have been gone I have
started to see mine. Now I praise myself for the strengths and build on them and
I am working hard on the weaknesses. I haven't even looked at another man and
won't until I feel I am in control of my emotions 100%
Please don't leave here because of him - let him read - maybe, just maybe he
will learn some things!
I will keep you in my prayers!

Good Luck Charlene,
 
Abusers never want their partners to have friends, family, love, or moral
support. Your husband is so typical, we have had so many abusers in here
snooping around. You will be back, it is impossible to deal with abuse with out
any moral support or counseling. Good Luck, Hugs and Prayers Lauren











 




 






 


 

--- On Thu, 11/12/09, charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com> wrote:


From: charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] no more
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, November 12, 2009, 6:27 AM


 



i just wanted to let you know i will not be making anymore posts. my husband has
been reading what i have been posting. he says you guys are encouraging me to
"screw him & get on w/my life".

i feel almost unbearably discouraged. i feel desperate & just so tired. i would
just love to throw in the towel. i have appreciated all your support & all the
encouragement that is always given. i wish the best for all of you in your
healing processes.
charlene








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

i just wanted to let you know i will not be making anymore posts.  my husband
has been reading what i have been posting.  he says you guys are encouraging me
to "screw him & get on w/my life".

i feel almost unbearably discouraged.  i feel desperate & just so tired.  i
would just love to throw in the towel.  i have appreciated all your support &
all the encouragement that is always given.  i wish the best for all of you in
your healing processes.
charlene

Hello Everyone!

Here is a FRESH selection of stuff members can collect for nothing

There is lots to grab in this new Giveaway Mix!

http://groups.google.com/group/freebieshare/web/giveaway-mix-november-12

Enjoy!

Me, me, me!
America's 'Narcissism Epidemic'
by Laura Knight-Jadczyk

Introduction by Sandra:

There are two forms of narcissism. The diagnosable personality
disorder that some people have and the EFFECTS of narcissism on a
culture. While I don't normally run someone else's articles, I
thought this was profoundly important. We can be as a society very
effected by a pathological worldview in which personality disorders
and psychopathy's view of others, self, and the world negatively
effect other's view of the same things. Not only can we argue that
there is a rise of a narcissistic culture, but we may well be on to a
step above that in developing a similar psychopathic culture,
influenced greatly by a rising predominant attitude of anti-social
and unempathic views. I think this article (and book) highlights what
can happen to a cultural view from exposure to long term pathological beliefs.

The Article:

Authors say long-term consequences are destructive to society. In
their new book, The Narcissism Epidemic, psychologists Jean M. Twenge
and W. Keith Campbell explore the rise of narcissism in American
culture and explain how this can lead to aggression, materialism and
shallow values. An excerpt.

Introduction

We didn't have to look very hard to find it. It was everywhere.

On a reality TV show, a girl planning her sixteenth birthday party
wants a major road blocked off so a marching band can precede her
grand entrance on a red carpet. A book called "My Beautiful Mommy"
explains plastic surgery to young children whose mothers are going
under the knife for the trendy "Mommy Makeover." It is now possible
to hire fake paparazzi to follow you around snapping your photograph
when you go out at night - you can even take home a faux celebrity
magazine cover featuring the pictures.

A popular song declares, with no apparent sarcasm, "I believe that
the world should revolve around me!" People buy expensive homes with
loans far beyond their ability to pay - or at least they did until
the mortgage market collapsed as a result. Babies wear bibs
embroidered with "Supermodel" or "Chick Magnet" and suck on "Bling"
pacifiers while their parents read modernized nursery rhymes from
This Little Piggy Went to Prada. People strive to create a "personal
brand" (also called "self-branding" ), packaging themselves like a
product to be sold. Ads for financial services proclaim that
retirement helps you return to childhood and pursue your dreams. High
school students pummel classmates and then seek attention for their
violence by posting YouTube videos of the beatings.

Although these seem like a random collection of current trends, all
are rooted in a single underlying shift in the American psychology:
the relentless rise of narcissism in our culture. Not only are there
more narcissists than ever, but non-narcissistic people are seduced
by the increasing emphasis on material wealth, physical appearance,
celebrity worship, and attention seeking. Standards have shifted,
sucking otherwise humble people into the vortex of granite
countertops, tricked-out MySpace pages, and plastic surgery. A
popular dance track repeats the words "money, success, fame, glamour"
over and over, declaring that all other values have "either been
discredited or destroyed."

The United States is currently suffering from an epidemic of
narcissism. Merriam-Webster' s dictionary defines an epidemic as an
affliction "affecting ... a disproportionately large number of
individuals within a population," and narcissism more than fits the
bill. In data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality
traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present,
with the shift especially pronounced for women.

The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with scores rising faster in
the 2000s than in previous decades. By 2006, 1 out of 4 college
students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure
of narcissistic traits. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the
more severe, clinically diagnosed version of the trait, is also far
more common than once thought. Nearly 1 out of 10 of Americans in
their twenties, and 1 out of 16 of those of all ages, has experienced
the symptoms of NPD. Even these shocking numbers are just the tip of
the iceberg; lurking underneath is the narcissistic culture that has
drawn in many more. The narcissism epidemic has spread to the culture
as a whole, affecting both narcissistic and less self-centered people.

Like a disease, narcissism is caused by certain factors, spreads
through particular channels, appears as various symptoms, and might
be halted by preventive measures and cures. Narcissism is a
psychocultural affliction rather than a physical disease, but the
model fits remarkably well. We have structured the book according to
this model, explaining the epidemic's diagnosis, root causes,
symptoms, and prognosis.

Like the obesity epidemic, the narcissism epidemic has not affected
everyone in the same way. More people are obese, just as more people
are narcissistic, but there are still those who exercise and eat
right, and still those who are humble and caring. Even the less
self-absorbed have witnessed narcissistic behavior on TV, online, or
in real-life interactions with friends, family, or coworkers. The
mortgage meltdown that led to the financial crisis of 2008 was
caused, in part, by the narcissistic overconfidence of homebuyers who
claimed they could afford houses too expensive for them and greedy
lenders who were willing to take big risks with other people's money.
In one way or another, the narcissism epidemic has touched every American.

In the last few years, narcissism has become a popular buzzword, used
to explain the behavior of everyone from hooker-obsessed former New
York governor Eliot Spitzer to famous-for-being-famous Paris Hilton.
Others have diagnosed themselves: former presidential candidate John
Edwards explained his extramarital affair by stating, "In the course
of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and
became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic. " As the New York
Times noted, narcissism "has become the go-to diagnosis by
columnists, bloggers, and television psychologists. We love to label
the offensive behavior of others to separate them from us.
'Narcissist' is among our current favorites."

Despite the popularity of narcissism as a label, it is difficult to
find scientifically verified information on it outside academic
journal articles. Many websites on narcissism are based on some
combination of conjecture, personal experience, and poorly understood
psychoanalytic theories. Christopher Lasch's 1979 bestselling book,
The Culture of Narcissism, though fascinating, was written before any
serious research explored the personality and behavior of
narcissists. Books such as "Why Is It Always About You?" and "Freeing
Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life" were written by
established psychotherapists and use case studies of individuals with
NPD. This approach is important, but largely ignores the scientific
data on the topic.

We take a different approach in this book, describing the
now-extensive scientific research on the truth about narcissists and
why they behave the way they do. We believe that with a topic as
complex as narcissism, the empirical research is the place to begin.

Narcissism is an attention-getting term, and we do not use it
lightly. We discuss some research on NPD, but primarily concentrate
on narcissistic personality traits among the normal population -
behavior and attitudes that don't go far enough to merit a clinical
diagnosis but that can nevertheless be destructive to the individual
and other people. This "normal" narcissism is potentially even more
harmful because it is so much more common. Of course, much of what we
discuss applies to individuals with NPD as well.

Narcissism is not simply a confident attitude or a healthy feeling of
self-worth. As we explore in chapters 2 and 3, narcissists are
overconfident, not just confident, and - unlike most people high in
self-esteem - place little value on emotionally close relationships.
We will also address other myths, such as "narcissists are insecure"
(they're typically not), and "it's necessary to be narcissistic to
succeed today" (in most contexts, and long term, narcissism is
actually a deterrent to success).

Understanding the narcissism epidemic is important because its
long-term consequences are destructive to society. American culture's
focus on self-admiration has caused a flight from reality to the land
of grandiose fantasy. We have phony rich people (with interest-only
mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty (with plastic surgery and
cosmetic procedures), phony athletes (with performance-enhancing
drugs), phony celebrities (via reality TV and YouTube), phony genius
students (with grade inflation), a phony national economy (with $11
trillion of government debt), phony feelings of being special among
children (with parenting and education focused on self-esteem), and
phony friends (with the social networking explosion). All this
fantasy might feel good, but, unfortunately, reality always wins. The
mortgage meltdown and the resulting financial crisis are just one
demonstration of how inflated desires eventually crash to earth.

The cultural focus on self-admiration began with the shift toward
focusing on the individual in the 1970s, documented in Tom Wolf's
article on "The Me Decade" in 1976 and Lasch's The Culture of
Narcissism. In the three decades since, narcissism has grown in ways
these authors never could have imagined. The fight for the greater
good of the 1960s became looking out for number one by the 1980s.
Parenting became more indulgent, celebrity worship grew, and reality
TV became a showcase of narcissistic people. The Internet brought
useful technology but also the possibility of instant fame and a
"Look at me!" mentality. Using botulinum toxin to smooth facial
wrinkles to perpetuate a youthful face birthed a huge industry. The
easy accessibility of credit allowed people to look better off
financially than they actually were.

Jean's first book, Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are
More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever
Before, explored the cultural shifts in self-focus that affected
people born after 1970 and - because the trends continued to
accelerate - especially those born in the 1980s and '90s. In The
Narcissism Epidemic, we widen our focus to Americans of all ages, and
to the entire culture. Younger people bear the brunt of the changes
because this is the only world they have ever known, but retirement
ads promising extravagant fantasies (own your own vineyard!) suggest
that the epidemic has reached far up the age scale. And although we
present data on the growing number of narcissistic individuals, we
concentrate on the rise in cultural narcissism - changes in behavior
and attitudes that reflect narcissistic cultural values, whether the
individuals themselves are narcissistic or simply caught up in a
societal trend.

When observing cultural change - especially changes in the negative
direction - one runs the risk of mistaking one's aging for a true
shift in culture. Change is difficult to take when you're older, and
it's easy to conclude that the world is going to hell in a
handbasket. We have tried to avoid this bias by finding as much hard
data and considering as many perspectives as we could. Many cultural
changes were eminently quantifiable: the fivefold increase in plastic
surgery and cosmetic procedures in just ten years, the growth of
celebrity gossip magazines, Americans spending more than they earn
and racking up huge amounts of debt, the growing size of houses, the
increasing popularity of giving children unique names, polling data
on the importance of being rich and famous, and the growing number of
people who cheat. We also journeyed outside the research data by
gathering stories and opinions through our online survey at
www.narcissismepidemic.com (we have changed respondents' names and,
in some cases, identifying information) . Since this is a book about
culture, we explore media events, pop culture happenings, and
Internet phenomena. We also talked to our students to get
perspectives from the younger generation. We were somewhat shocked to
find that many graduate students - most in their mid-twenties - think
things have gotten worse in their lifetimes. Undergraduates are more
accepting of the current culture but often report feeling tremendous
pressure to self-promote and keep up in a materialistic world.

The kernel of the idea for this book was planted in 1999 in a
basement office at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. We
were both working as postdocs - a kind of research limbo between
graduate school and hoped-for professorships - in the lab of Roy
Baumeister, a well-known social psychologist. There's not much to do
in Cleveland, especially in the winter, so we ended up talking a lot
in our shared office. Sometimes we were actively procrastinating -
Jean recalls one conversation about weight loss in which our fellow
postdoc Julie Exline described a diet pill that supposedly contained
a tapeworm. Before she could even finish the story, Keith began
yelling "Urban legend!" and looked it up on the nascent Internet (he
was right). Most of the time, though, we talked about ideas. Keith
would describe his latest study on the behavior of narcissistic
people, and Jean would talk about trends in American culture and how
they were showing up in personality traits. Almost immediately we
thought about looking at trends in narcissism, but in 1999 the
standard measure of narcissism had only been around for 10 years,
which wasn't long enough to do a solid study of change over time.

That study would have to wait for the summer of 2006, when Jean was
seven months pregnant and couldn't do much but sit at her computer.
By then, we had both married and settled into jobs across the country
from each other (Keith at the University of Georgia, far from where
he grew up in Southern California, and Jean at San Diego State
University, far from where she grew up in Minnesota and Texas). Our
coauthors on this project were renowned narcissism and aggression
researcher Brad Bushman and two former students (now faculty), Joshua
Foster and Sara Konrath. The rise in college students' narcissism
over the generations was clear, and when we released the study in
February 2007, it was covered by the Associated Press and many other
news outlets. It was an interesting first day back on the job for
Jean after a four-month maternity leave. One TV crew setting up a
standard "walking" shot asked Jean to carry her briefcase so she
would "look more professional. " "Guys," Jean said, "That's not my
briefcase. It's my breast pump."

When Jean got home that night, the full impact hit her: the story had
been covered by the NBC Nightly News, Fox News Channel, and National
Public Radio, and both Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien made jokes about
it. The AP story appeared in more than one hundred newspapers around
the country, prompting a slew of editorials, newspaper columns, and
e-mails. Much of the feedback was positive, but we also received
intense questioning and harsh criticism, some of it based on
misunderstandings about what narcissism is and how it is measured.

That was when we realized we'd hit a nerve. We also realized that the
narcissism epidemic went far beyond the changing personalities of
college students. The American culture was shifting in a fundamental
way, and we wanted to document it - and figure out how to stop it.
Every time we turned on the TV, it seemed that another symptom of
narcissism was rearing its ugly head - Botox ads, the mortgage
meltdown, fake paparazzi. We found so many examples of narcissism in
American culture that we had to stop collecting them. This book could
have been twice as long.

***

We want this book to be a wake-up call. In contrast to the obesity
epidemic, which has been widely publicized, Americans have become
inured to the incivility, exhibitionism, and celebrity obsession
caused by the narcissism epidemic. It's taken for granted that a baby
bib saying "Supermodel" is "cute." "Having changed ourselves, we no
longer perceive our transformation, " wrote Roger Kimball in the New
Criterion. We've gotten so turned around that some people now argue
that narcissism is good (as we discuss in Chapter 3, narcissism has
some short-term benefits to the self, but is not good for other
people, society, or even the narcissist himself in the long run).
Even when trends are recognized for their negative effects - such as
the fistfights on YouTube or teens posting inappropriate pictures of
themselves online - people rarely connect the dots to see that these
trends are all related to the rise in narcissism.

Recognizing the narcissism epidemic is the first step to stopping it.
The analogy to the obesity epidemic is useful here. Definite steps
are being taken to combat obesity: soda machines are being removed
from schools, exercise programs suggested, and nutrition education
plans implemented. Not so with narcissism. In many cases, the
suggested cure for narcissistic behavior is "feeling good about
yourself." After all, the thinking goes, fourteen-year- old Megan
wouldn't post revealing pictures of herself on MySpace if she had
higher self-esteem. So parents redouble their efforts, telling Megan
she's special, beautiful, and great. This is like suggesting that an
obese person would feel much better if she just ate more doughnuts.
Megan wants everyone to see just how beautiful and special she is,
and it's not because she thinks she is ugly - it's because she thinks
she's hot and, perhaps more importantly, because she lives in a
narcissistic society where she might garner praise, status, and
"friends" by displaying blatant sexuality.

In fact, narcissism causes almost all of the things that Americans
hoped high self-esteem would prevent, including aggression,
materialism, lack of caring for others, and shallow values. In trying
to build a society that celebrates high self-esteem, self-expression,
and "loving yourself," Americans have inadvertently created more
narcissists - and a culture that brings out the narcissistic behavior
in all of us. This book chronicles American culture's journey from
self-admiration, which seemed so good, to the corrosive narcissism
that threatens to infect us all.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"cpaquin73"  wrote:
>
> I have recently been shown the light that all of the name calling and
derogatory comments and other things my husband says to me are actually verbal
abuse. It is such a relief to know that I am not crazy.

Not only aren't you crazy but you are also not alone. That helps us become
stronger women.



//One of the best websites I have found on this topic is
www.youarenotcrazy.com.//


I'll have to look into that one. I like the name.

//I have begun counseling, but have not yet chosen to leave my husband. I have
to get my ducks in a row, so to speak,//


You don't have to leave your husband. You do need to learn about abusive
behavior, recognize it and then stand against it. Call him on his abuse. Don't
stand around and listen to it. There are things you can do to take back your own
life in your "own" home.


  //because we have kids and he is from out of the country and has used the
threat of taking the kids across the border where I will  never see them
again.//

You're NOT over analyzing that threat and abusive behavior.


// My question lately has become being able to tell the difference between
normal disagreements and the abuse. I find myself over-analyzing everything he
says, or expecting what he says to lead to something else.//


A normal disagreement is when 2 people can discuss their opinions, have the
other person ~hear and listen~ to what the other has to say. Then the other
partner is ~allowed~ to express their opinion and the partner also hears what
they have to say. The bottom line of norman disagreements is that both can agree
to disagree.

In a marriage where disagreements take place the couple can come to a compromise
in handling the disagreement.

In an abusive relationship sometimes the abused has to learn to say NO! I'm not
doing that. For example if one of them wants to max out their finances in credit
cards.

Don't expect things to go in a bad direction. Listen to what they are saying,
think about it before answering. If you're not ready to answer say so then
answer after you've thought about it.

  //feel like I am twisting things out of proportion sometimes and making myself
feel even more crazy. Any thoughts or advice on this for someone who is just
starting to see the light?//

Read, read, read about abusive behavior. The Verbaly Abusive Relationship by
Patricia Evans is a good book to read. It helps you understand the dynamics of
an abusive relationship and explains abusive behaviors. After I read the book I
was able to spot the abusive behavior taking place. I called him on his words
and made him explain what he meant when he called me names or said derogatory
things about me. In other words I didn't accept his false statements about me
any longer. When push came to shove he had to be responsible for his words.

My ex called me all kinds of things. The straw that broke the camels back was
when he called me stupid and an idiot. Simple compared to what he had called me
in the past but I was done with it all. Even he couldn't understand why those
words made me done with the relationship. Stupid and idiot were just the spring
board for more belittling and degragotory words.

You'll know. As you become more educated you'll just know.

Right now it's time to think about yourself, your feelings, your own opinion.
That's enough work.

Marilyn
>

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce
Moving on after a relationship ends

It's never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever
the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a
long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and
trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you
can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and
stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the
experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.
Healing after a divorce or breakup
Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A
divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the
relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships
begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these
relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is
disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with
extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings
uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will
you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse
than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it's important to
know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing
takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce
Recognize that it's OK to have different feelings. It's normal to feel sad,
angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You
also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will
lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown
is frightening.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a
less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as
productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you're accustomed to
for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup
and re-energize.
Don't go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can
help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can
talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress
levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work,
relationships and overall health. Don't be afraid to get outside help if you
need it.
Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love
relationship involves multiple losses:

Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been
consistently pleasurable)
Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical
losses)
Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear
that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you'll be stuck in a
dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing
process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old
relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won't last
forever.

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:
Don't fight your feelings – It's normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel
many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear,
and confusion. It's important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While
these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will
only prolong the grieving process.
Talk about how you're feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about
your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so
when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make
you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also
be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate
you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to
over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger
and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and
moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person,
you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you
grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact
that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
For more information on grieving, see Coping with Grief and Loss.

Am I depressed or having a normal reaction to the divorce or breakup?
Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after awhile, the sadness begins to
lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you
don't feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression. When
grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some
people describe it as "living in a black hole" or feeling numb, lifeless and
empty.

To learn more, see Understanding Depression.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process
Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might
feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more
difficult. Don't try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through
painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is
like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new
relationships.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who
to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive
and who truly listen to you. It's important that you feel free to be honest
about what you're going through, without worrying about being judged,
criticized, or told what to do.
Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn't come
naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most
important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable
opening up.
Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network
along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a
networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in
community activities, or volunteer at your school, synagogue, or church.
Children and Divorce
If you're a parent, you may be worried about the effect of the divorce on your
children. While divorce can be hard on kids, you can help them through this
difficult time.

Helping your Child Cope with Separation or Divorce

Co-parenting After a Separation or Divorce

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup
A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you're going through
the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it's more important
than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup
leaves you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you're
getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in
your life, and reduce your workload if possible.

Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you
learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and
begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of
yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips:
Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily
time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature,
listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a
yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your
needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be
different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a
way of honoring what is right for you.
Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every
area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos.
Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure
and normalcy.
Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months
after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city.
If you can, wait until you're feeling less emotional so that you can make better
decisions.
Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you're in the middle of a
breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and
loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and
destructive in the long run. It's essential to find healthier ways of coping
with painful feelings.
Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end.
Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new
activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than
dwelling on the past.
Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise
When you're going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits
easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or
overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because
of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work
you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don't
make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup
In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just
because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn't mean that
nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a
time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this
experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what
happened and acknowledging the part you played. It's important to understand how
the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is
the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:
Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of
the relationship?
Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in
relationship after relationship?
Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could
you act in a more constructive way?
Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way
they could or "should" be.
Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in
control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?
You'll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process.
Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As
you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about
yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you
are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the
reasons why you chose your former partner, you'll be able to see where you went
wrong and make better choices next time.

I didn't write this but found it very moving.

ALONE

Alone and scared, is anyone there? she cries in the night, doesn't anyone care?

left all alone, with her shame, she must face, No one can know, she is such a
disgrace, Numbing the hurt, behind the pain she tries to hide, Maybe no one will
see her tears or the scars on the inside,

This morning she woke, just like any other day, Tonight her innocence is gone,
stolen away,

Was it something she said? was it something she did? She blames herself for the
position she is in,

"Where is God?" she thinks, "Doesn't HE even care?" She looks around for him,
but doesn't see him there,

Feeling dirty, like garbage, like someone whose bad, She thinks to herself no
one will ever want me, Maybe "He'll" take me back..

After all, he did this, maybe he likes me, in some way, I have nothing left to
live for, I guess I can take it another day....

Behind The Fear Of Breakup
Fear is one of the strong forces that drive one to failure. It lingers with many
faces, and may seem to follow around like a shadow. One gets afraid of
situations, and even in a positive side of loving. It may seem perfect, yet
there is fear of being lonely. Why will a person be afraid of breakup?

When one surrenders to someone by giving commitment, what is at stake is the
whole being. But this varies from person to person. A relationship does not end
in sweet expressions, but it is just the beginning. Surrendering the utmost
privacy starts by giving a piece of oneself in form of conversation,
aspirations, dreams, secrets, trust, ideas, passion. In some other form, it is
giving off the ego and letting someone guard or take hold of it. But this is
abstract. What if someone has intimate relationship? It is almost the same as
giving one's soul. Again, there is this haunting on being afraid to lose
someone. And as time goes by, without any promise of security, this leads to a
more painful thought that one gets too afraid of it.

Ask yourself: "why be afraid of breakup?

As if it is easy to pacify and give perfect answer to this question. A love that
is full of fear is not comforting but a doom lay unsaid. It is a very NEGATIVE
emotion. One must guard oneself from being a slave of this thinking because it
will lead and attract consequential emotions like jealousy in its destructive
sense. A person will cling and strangle his loved one by this behavior. This
fear of breakup is an indication that one is afraid not exactly on losing the
love, but what was entrusted to the other. Is it fear of losing the ego? Afraid
of losing what is at stake?

What is there to lose after giving up everything? Say after many years of
building a dream with someone… because breaking up could mean 50 years of being
in a roller coaster relationship. Of course, that is not a very easy thing to
console with mere words. Sorry or apology can never put comfort to years of
struggle in keeping the boat sailing constantly just like the way the
relationship works. What if there are children? The fruits of a relationship of
course emerged not anywhere but form the outcome of the process. It will really
be painful that one gets too afraid of breakup. It is breaking the children's
heart that is more painful even more because it turns into long term attachment.

Settling the matters of breakup has legalities in case of married people. If
everything is hopeless, there is no other option but legal conjugal settlements
of divorce and annulment. In this way, assets will be well taken care of for the
future of the beneficiaries. It is justifiable and fair for both spouses,
although it is the emotional impact that makes things harder. For childless
couple, unless there is exchange of assets, more or less the problem is on the
emotional side. Thus, it is advisable that young couples must not indulge in
careless sexual relationship that can harm each other's decisions while they are
not yet prepared to commit to a full term responsible relationship. The pain of
breakup is insurmountable after consequences are not avoidable. Say, pregnancy
after breakup is a lifetime problem to endure.

Being afraid of breaking up goes hand in hand with insecurity. The person has no
guarantee of getting the amount of love given away. If children are at stake,
what will happen afterwards? There are many people who have undergone this
plight and they tell different stories. Most problems in the society as a whole
are just the by-product of this breakup. So there is really something to be
afraid of breaking up if the consequences are equal to the world itself.

As it is the walk of life, one can only choose the lesser evil, otherwise,
prevent the breakup from happening, which is realistically impossible to many.
It is the making of a choice decided by no one but by the individuals concerned.
The pain will dwell within but time has ways of washing it away. The wound will
heal but it will leave a scar. That is reality.

Hello Everyone

A friend just sent me a link to a NEW giveaway offer, so I am sharing it with
the group!

Get a Pair of Elmo Tickle Hands for Nothing!

This offer is only available to USA residents

Click the link below to view this great freebie offer!

http://groups.google.com/group/collectingfreebies/web/elmo-tickle-hands-giveaway\
-usa

I hope this helps with your budgets!

I have recently been shown the light that all of the name calling and derogatory
comments and other things my husband says to me are actually verbal abuse. It is
such a relief to know that I am not crazy. One of the best websites I have found
on this topic is www.youarenotcrazy.com.
When I read the intro to the site, it was like reading the story of my life. I
have begun counseling, but have not yet chosen to leave my husband. I have to
get my ducks in a row, so to speak, because we have kids and he is from out of
the country and has used the threat of taking the kids across the border where I
will  never see them again. My question lately has become being able to tell the
difference between normal disagreements and the abuse. I find myself
over-analyzing everything he says, or expecting what he says to lead to
something else. I feel like I am twisting things out of proportion sometimes and
making myself feel even more crazy. Any thoughts or advice on this for someone
who is just starting to see the light?

Great song. He really does get it.
//Let's just hope, Keith Urban isn't that "stupid boy."//
If he isn't, then he could be a champion for women and an educator of
stupid boys (they're not men).

L


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

There is a line in the song that says, "I am that same ol', same ol' stupid
boy..." So, it may have been him.  BUT, I actually wondered if the song was
about Tom Cruise & the way he maybe treated Nicole Kidman during their marriage.
Now, of course, she is married to Keith Urban.  I always wondered if that wasn't
what inspired the song...  Because who in their right mind would divorce
GORGEOUS Tom Cruise unless there was something going on behind closed doors that
wasn't very pretty???  Of course she ended up with someone even sexier (in my
opinion.)  Let's just hope, Keith Urban isn't that "stupid boy."


--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, "Marilyn"
<mothertime2001@...> wrote:
>
> What a song!!!! He gets it.....I wonder if he was that "stupid boy" who
learned the hard way?
>
> Marilyn
>
> --- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, "lop138" <lorinkae@>
wrote:
> >
> > If you haven't heard Keith Urban's song "Stupid Boy", you need to listen to
it!!!  The words seem to apply to what we have been through (especially those
who have had jealous, controlling spouses/partners)!  I blast this song & scream
out "Stupid boy" as I think of my ex.
> >
> > The lyrics....
> >
> > "She was precious like a flower.
> > She grew wild, wild, but innocent.
> > A perfect prayer in a desperate hour.
> > She was everything beautiful and different.
> >
> > Stupid boy, you can't fence that in.
> > Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind.
> > She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
> > You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
> > She never even knew she had a choice
> > And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.
> >
> > So what made you think you could take a life
> > And just push it, push it around?
> > I guess to build yourself up so high,
> > You had to take her and break her down.
> >
> > She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
> > You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
> > She never even knew she had a choice
> > And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.
> >
> > Oh you always had to be right!
> > Now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive!
> >
> > She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
> > You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
> > She never even knew she had a choice
> > And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.
> >
> > It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run
> > But when she did,
> > She was long gone, long gone.... "
> >
> > I LOVE THIS SONG!  If you like the lyrics, you definitely need to download
or buy it!  It's great!
> >
>

What a song!!!! He gets it.....I wonder if he was that "stupid boy" who learned
the hard way?

Marilyn

--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, "lop138" <lorinkae@...>
wrote:
>
> If you haven't heard Keith Urban's song "Stupid Boy", you need to listen to
it!!!  The words seem to apply to what we have been through (especially those
who have had jealous, controlling spouses/partners)!  I blast this song & scream
out "Stupid boy" as I think of my ex.
>
> The lyrics....
>
> "She was precious like a flower.
> She grew wild, wild, but innocent.
> A perfect prayer in a desperate hour.
> She was everything beautiful and different.
>
> Stupid boy, you can't fence that in.
> Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind.
> She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
> You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
> She never even knew she had a choice
> And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.
>
> So what made you think you could take a life
> And just push it, push it around?
> I guess to build yourself up so high,
> You had to take her and break her down.
>
> She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
> You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
> She never even knew she had a choice
> And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.
>
> Oh you always had to be right!
> Now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive!
>
> She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
> You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
> She never even knew she had a choice
> And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.
>
> It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run
> But when she did,
> She was long gone, long gone.... "
>
> I LOVE THIS SONG!  If you like the lyrics, you definitely need to download or
buy it!  It's great!
>

Wow!!! You're good.

Sam Vaknin is a narcissist. He's so narcissistic (crebral) that he needs to show
off his intelligence. Good for us. He has shared so much about his own
personality disorder and that allows us to spot a narcissist a mile away. He
helped me understand my ex.

Marilyn




--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, Just Me <justbe003@...>
wrote:
>
> Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable.  It
seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was written.  It
was just odd. 
> Curious,
> ~ justbe
>
>
> --- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:
>
>
> From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...>
> Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
> To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
> Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM
>
>
>
> The Abuser's Body Language
>
>
> Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!
>
> Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.
>
> Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.
>
> Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.
>
> But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language
even in a first or casual encounter. These are:
>
> "Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).
>
> The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".
>
> Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of
some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic
session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").
>
> The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.
>
> Idealization or devaluation:: The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.
>
> Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
>
> The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the
very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
>
> For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
>
> In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.
>
> Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
>
> The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.
>
> Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.
>
> In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.
>
> Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.
>
> Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious
about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical,
but rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a
constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.
>
> If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.
>
> This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or
self-effacement. The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury).
Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling,
intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than
others' therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social
intercourse, family obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels
constantly misunderstood.
>
> Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.
>
> Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In
other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or
even gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to
taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").
>
> While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.
>
> Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Hello Everyone

A friend just sent me a link to a NEW giveaway offer, so I am sharing it with
the group!

Grab a ton of Free Hershey's in this Big Promotion

This offer is only available to USA residents

Click the link below to view this great freebie offer!

http://groups.google.com/group/collectingfreebies/web/hersheys-giveaway-usa

I hope this helps with your budgets!

What a great song. I am beginning to think that 80% of the available men are
some kind of abuser. Since my husband died I only meet men who are looking to
use a woman. It doesn't matter how weathly they are they are all looking to take
advantage of a woman. Evey single one of them turned nasty and disrespectful. I
give up on romance and I am not so sure that it even exsists at this point.











 




 






 


 

--- On Mon, 11/9/09, Cindy G <grouchybaby@...> wrote:


From: Cindy G <grouchybaby@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] "Stupid Boy"
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Monday, November 9, 2009, 2:51 PM


 



I am not a fan of Country music, but I loved this one...this really hits the
spot with me, with the exception of "the only thing that ever made you feel
alive"~ Sadly, I never mattered...

Thanks for sharing!

Cindy

____________ _________ _________ __
From: lop138 <lorinkae@yahoo. com>
To: womansemotionalabus esupport@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Mon, November 9, 2009 4:02:38 PM
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] "Stupid Boy"

 
If you haven't heard Keith Urban's song "Stupid Boy", you need to listen to
it!!! The words seem to apply to what we have been through (especially those who
have had jealous, controlling spouses/partners) ! I blast this song & scream out
"Stupid boy" as I think of my ex.

The lyrics....

"She was precious like a flower.
She grew wild, wild, but innocent.
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour.
She was everything beautiful and different.

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in.
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind.
She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't... Stupid boy.

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high,
You had to take her and break her down.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't... Stupid boy.

Oh you always had to be right!
Now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive!

She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't... Stupid boy.

It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run
But when she did,
She was long gone, long gone.... "

I LOVE THIS SONG! If you like the lyrics, you definitely need to download or buy
it! It's great!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I am not a fan of Country music, but I loved this one...this really hits the
spot with me, with the exception of "the only thing that ever made you feel
alive"~ Sadly, I never mattered...

Thanks for sharing!

Cindy



________________________________
From: lop138 <lorinkae@...>
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Mon, November 9, 2009 4:02:38 PM
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] "Stupid Boy"

 
If you haven't heard Keith Urban's song "Stupid Boy", you need to listen to
it!!! The words seem to apply to what we have been through (especially those who
have had jealous, controlling spouses/partners) ! I blast this song & scream out
"Stupid boy" as I think of my ex.

The lyrics....

"She was precious like a flower.
She grew wild, wild, but innocent.
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour.
She was everything beautiful and different.

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in.
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind.
She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't... Stupid boy.

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high,
You had to take her and break her down.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't... Stupid boy.

Oh you always had to be right!
Now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive!

She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't... Stupid boy.

It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run
But when she did,
She was long gone, long gone.... "

I LOVE THIS SONG! If you like the lyrics, you definitely need to download or buy
it! It's great!




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

If you haven't heard Keith Urban's song "Stupid Boy", you need to listen to
it!!!  The words seem to apply to what we have been through (especially those
who have had jealous, controlling spouses/partners)!  I blast this song & scream
out "Stupid boy" as I think of my ex.

The lyrics....

"She was precious like a flower.
She grew wild, wild, but innocent.
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour.
She was everything beautiful and different.

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in.
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind.
She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high,
You had to take her and break her down.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.

Oh you always had to be right!
Now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive!

She laid her heart and soul right in your hand.
You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she
can't...  Stupid boy.

It took awhile for her to figure out that she could run
But when she did,
She was long gone, long gone.... "

I LOVE THIS SONG!  If you like the lyrics, you definitely need to download or
buy it!  It's great!

i was in counseling.  the shelter i was in set me up w/it, but i never really
felt she cared.  she sat there taking notes, not saying much.  she never had any
expression.  i think she gets a lot of clients from the shelter but she is very
emotionally attached from them.  it is nice to talk to someone who cares.  she
never answers the phone.  does not have a secretary.  you have to call & leave a
message & she returns your call.  i called to make an appointment & she called
me back at home!  i left another message & asked her to call my cell not my home
& she never would return my calls after that.  to me, it wasn't a great loss.

i do not think of my husband as a narcisist.  he does not put himself above
others.  he is only like this w/me.  that's why for so many years i thought it
was me - that i brought this out in him.  almost everyone loves him.  and he
does have a wonderful side.  but he can change instantly.  right now he is
trying really hard as he knows i got my tickets.  he says i am holding back from
him because i do not want to lose the money i spent on the tickets.  yet i DO
want to go.  i have told him there is no way i am going back to him until i have
a few months ON MY OWN to think.  he says if i take this trip that is it.  he is
not waiting.  i am going anyway.  i am really depressed though.  i feel totally
w/out motivation which is very strange for me as i am a extremely motivated
person.  i am staying away from everyone.  just want to lock myself away.  only
23 more days to go.  i am counting.


--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, Lauren
<laurenchristenson@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Charlene,
>                       My dear lady are you in counseling?
If not you can call your local woman's shelter and find the closet shelter.
Counseling is free and confidential.
>   A lot of narcissistic men suffer from other mental illness's such as
bipolar, depression, paranoid schizophrenia. I wouldn't focus too much on his
childhood. He is broken and he needs to get into counseling. Girl friend you are
not a licensed therapist and you can not help him. It is not your job to fix
broken people.
>   The confusion and guilt that you feel are a normal reaction to years of
brain washing and verbal abuse. There is nothing more painful that dealing with
disrespect on a daily basis. You are constantly being blamed for all of his
problems. He is an adult it is time that he stepped up to the plate and become a
man who can accept responsibility for his own life, responsibilities, and his
own behaviors.
>   You try too hard my dear lady. Don't try to figure out his insanity or you
too shall go insane. Talking to him is like walking into a mental ward and
carrying on a conversation with one of the mental patients. Listening to the
verbal abuse is like taking the lid of a jar of poison and taking a huge whiff
of it. The meaning of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results. Your husband will never become the man that you
want him to be. He will never be normal.
>    Knowledge is the key, knowledge is power. How he has treated you is
shameful and wrong. Your joining this group is proof that you recognize that
something is terribly wrong.
>  You are loved Charlene. You are one of God's children. You are loved in
God's eyes. I used to pray to find the courage and end my abusive marriage. God
does indeed answer prayers and I did get out of my hurtful relationship.
>   When my x husband left I was on the edge. I was so hurt. I made it out, I
would not take a million dollars to go back to the monster. I will pray for your
healing and for an end to the abuse that you endure.
>   We are here for you. I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much
emotional pain.  I know how you feel. Things will be okay.  You will figure
out a way to make your life better. I believe in you.
> Gentle Healing Hugs, Lauren
>  
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>  
>
>
>
>
>  
>
>
>
>
>
>
>  
>
>
>  
>
> --- On Fri, 11/6/09, charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com> wrote:
>
>
> From: charvmann2 <no_reply@yahoogroups.com>
> Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] topics
> To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
> Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:11 AM
>
>
>  
>
>
>
> wow, i have been thinking about some of the recent posts by lauren. the one
the other day was talking about how controlers often become controlers, as they
had no control over their childhood & so they want to be in control now? my
question is - does that happen to the ones they are trying to control also?
>
> the reason i ask is that i see things in myself that i do not like. i know
they are reactions to what he has done, but i see how they have changed me. for
instance, we have never really had money. i was always given the money & paid
all the bills etc. yet there are so many times when i hear that we have no
income. there is not enough money to pay the bills. there is no work left, etc.
this has made me to where i am almost scared to spend money. i am pretty off
balance about it.
>
> as far as things in the house - his responsibilities - i have been there
throughout these 30 years to pick up the balls of responsibilities he has
dropped. it has made me to where i have a hard time relaxing. i have to do this.
this has to be done.
>
> it seems that these things have made me to where i am constantly on guard.
>
> looking at what i am writing i guess it looks pretty silly. yet it is real for
me. it's like i am always waiting for a ball to drop realizing that i will have
to pick it up & i am scared to think it would drop & i wouldn't be there to pick
it up. i am constantly on edge. constantly waiting. this is another side of the
relationship that has made me anything but stable. i am scared of letting go. i
remember a post not too long ago that said that. it's almost like all this holds
me up & if i let go i will fall & will not be able to get up. i know this sounds
crazy. has anyone else dealt w/this craziness.
>
> the new post about the narcisist. i do not think my husband thinks he is
better than others. he is a very giving person. i am the only one who sees this
side of him. he keeps telling me he has changed. he is not violent anymore, yet
he talks to me the same. i do not even think he knows what he says or HOW he
says it. he knows i am not emotionaly in the relationship anymore. yet i am the
big bad wolf. it's not that i am reacting to what he has done. he has done
nothing & what he has done is just his reacting to what i have done (more like
what i have not done as i don't give him enough attention) or our financial
situation or what someone else has done or because he has not slept. it is just
his reacting. he says it is how anyone would react if they were dealing w/this
or that. i makes me crazy. it is possible for someone to do these things w/out
being a narcisist.
>
> i do think that most abusers come from disfuncitonal families. my husbands dad
died when he was 4. his mom worked all the time. he says he cannot remember her
telling him she loved him. then she married an abusive man. she was too busy to
be there to protect her kids. they suffered & we have suffered for this also. i
think there is a void from his childhood. he wants me to fill it & i cannot. i
am tired of trying. i have nothing left to give. i will never be able to give
him what he needs. i am exhausted. the men you have in your lives - what was
their backgrounds?
> charlene
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sam Vankin who is a narcissistic himself and admits it.











 




 






 


 

--- On Sun, 11/8/09, Just Me <justbe003@...> wrote:


From: Just Me <justbe003@...>
Subject: Re: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, November 8, 2009, 10:31 PM


 



Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable. 
It seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was
written.  It was just odd. 
Curious,
~ justbe

--- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@ yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@ yahoo.com>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabus esupport@ yahoogroups. com
Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM

The Abuser's Body Language

Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.

Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.

Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.

But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language even
in a first or casual encounter. These are:

"Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).

The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some
kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session,
to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries) , to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").

The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation: : The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator" . But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very
same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.

For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.

In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.

Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.

The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.

Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.

In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.

Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality" . They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious about
himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but
rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant
mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.

If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.

This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement.
The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most
innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than others' therefore,
it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family
obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.

Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.

Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In other
words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or even
gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt,
to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").

While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.

Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.

------------ --------- --------- ------

Yahoo! Groups Links

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hello Everyone!

Here is a FRESH selection of stuff members can have free!

A selection of free books, PC games in this mix plus... LOTS MORE!

http://groups.google.com/group/freebieshare/web/giveaway-mix-november-09

Enjoy!

Lauren,  I was just wondering where this excerpt came from.  Do you happen to
know who wrote it?  The language in it actually made me very uncomfortable.  It
seemed as if the author was in a self-grandizing frenzy when it was written.  It
was just odd. 
Curious,
~ justbe


--- On Fri, 11/6/09, Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...> wrote:


From: Lauren C <laurenchristenson@...>
Subject: [Womans Emotional Abuse Support] The Abuser's Body Language
To: womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 6:02 PM



The Abuser's Body Language


Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series
of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date
comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!

Abusers are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access
to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to
determine with any degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because
he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.

Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social
context. The offender seeks to conform to cultural and social morals and norms.
Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.

Still, most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves
involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have
a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors,
it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They
are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they failed to see
through the abuser earlier on.

But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language even
in a first or casual encounter. These are:

"Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and
exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his
personal territory).

The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly,
from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when
he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the
"observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some
kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session,
to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his
tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his
needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").

The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he
deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service
providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation:: The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an
embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates
her.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a
"mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory
civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or
other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very
same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing
the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.

For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states
emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that
he mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.

In general, the abuser always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most
effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a
Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or a genius. Abusers never admit to
ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and
losers. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the
abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and omnipotence.

Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is
peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always
excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.

The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own.

Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about
himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never
reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his
precious time.

In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention
deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all
aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the discourse is not
"emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser
intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in
a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.

Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives,
fears, hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived
"weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves from their own
emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion The abuser is dead serious about
himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but
rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant
mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.

If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a
journalist he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring
businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century. Woe betide
those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.

This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement.
The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most
innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable than others' therefore,
it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family
obligations, or household chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.

Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help
and counsel and, thus, imperfect. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the
abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both
schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.

Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate affect. In other
words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or even
gratifying. They are sexually sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt,
to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
"honesty").

While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and
their impulse control is flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and
self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse,
pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.

Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the
sadism, and the paranoia do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is
because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more
rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to
be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at
casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.








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