Kat,

For a moment forget about your man.

How is your son doing? Is he with you? Is he comfortable with the living
arrangements now?...other than the feelings you have when you move into a new
place?

Now let's get back to your relationship...

Was it that bad?
Your son let you know how bad it was by leaving. It wasn't only you that felt
something was wrong. Your son let you know that your feelings of uneasiness
were right.

I know that you miss him. That's normal because your intentions with this
relationship were normal....only wanting a normal relationship. Unfortunately,
we as abused women, look at the relationship for what ~it could be~ rather than
looking at it for what it really is. That hope for what it could be distorts our
view of what it really is.

Sex is only one part of a relationship. My sexual relationship with my ex
husband was great, probably the best sex I had. Now I have a bf who is not as
sexual as my ex but he is caring, doesn't abuse me sexually like my ex did and
is willing and open for exploring where we can go with sex. It's different and
better. The encouragement and self confidence he gives me, along with the
freedom to be myself, is worth the change. The drama is gone.

Wising up???? Nonsense????
What does he consider wising up? Wising up to the fact that he tried to control
all of your moves and time? That's a good thing to wise up to. Whether you can
make it work in the future is something that you need to take time to see.

Nonsense??? Feelings are not nonsense. They are just that, feelings, right,
wrong, it doesn't matter. It was how you felt and if those feelings were
dismissed than you were dismissed. If you were having a stressful time in your
life and weren't giving your son the proper quality time that he is entitled to
and he told you that he was feeling unloved what would you do? Hopefully you
would discuss his feelings, validate his feelings and explain to him what was
going on in your life. Then you would take the time to apologize and assure him
of your love and respect for him. After that you would make sure that you were
showing him that you meant it.

That's the difference between being distracted and being abusive. Abuse keep
doing what was done before in order to control another person.

How long does it take to "get over" the emptiness and missing? It's different
for everyone. The truth is that if the abuse continues after you've explained
how you feel, one day you just know that you know that you know that you're
done.

I continued to see my ex after we were living apart. One day he just started
yelling at me and blaming me for things I didn't own. I asked him to stop and
explained that this is why we were on the brink of divorcing. He continued to
call me stupid and an idiot for not taking the blame and listening to ~his
voice~ of reason. That day I KNEW I was done. I moved on emotionally that day. I
was still sad about it but I KNEW I was done.

The interesting part of those events is that he kept saying that I was done
because he "only" called me stupid and an idiot and I was over reacting. He
dismissed the 20 years worth of it.

You're out of it now so the thoughts come that it might not have been as bad you
thought. If you go back on this site and look at what you wrote, what brought
you to this site and how you felt when you were writing you may get a better
understanding of what you were going through.

Keeping a journal is a good idea during this time. Flashbacks will come and you
should write them down so you can remember what was going on.

He was trying to control your every move. He was also trying to take time away
from your son by trying to get you to do his errands when you had to make time
for your son rather than doing them himself....he is retired and could have done
them himself. That's only one of many incidents. Your son felt this and that is
why he was screaming for attention by leaving.

Your son is for life. He is the one you need to focus on now. If your bf can
understand that and allow you the time for that then that is one step closer to
his letting go of the control.

I know you wanted things to be different but they were what they were.

Hang in there. This is another hard part of the journey. Every step you take is
hard. Every step you take will allow you to become you again. If your bf is
willing to allow you the freedom to do this....and you want to go back and try
to make it work than you should do what you feel is best for you.

Another thing that came to mind is the question I asked you once before...do you
want to get married or to continue to only live together? Don't let the fear of
the unknown decide that for you. There will always be fear of the unknown in
your life. There will always be change in your life too.

I'm glad you wrote, I've been thinking about you and praying for you.

Marilyn





--- In womansemotionalabusesupport@yahoogroups.com, "katonsink" <katonsink@...>
wrote:
>
> I have now been away from my abuser for two weeks. In that time, I have
secured a place to live, and have been able to get the majority of my things
moved. I miss his warm body, and his smell. The abuse was bad, but the sex was
good. I am feeling pretty good. After my first visit back to the house, I was
almost inconsolable (sp?); it still amazes me that he is so totally unable to
love anyone. He says he still loves me, but I don't think that he really ever
did. He is also sure that this is only temporary. His exact words to me a couple
of days ago were, "Some day you're going to wise up and forget this nonsense..."
Can you believe it? WTF? I'm almost settled in to the new place, and have
already started doing things with girlfriends after work to help stave off some
of the emptiness. How long does it take before seeing him in an old photo album
doesn't make you wish things were different? I only wanted him to love me. Was
it really as bad as I think it was? I only wanted something closer to a "normal"
relationship. SIGH.
>