My name is Danielle. I'm not all that new to the concept of abuse,
physical or verbal. I grew up in it, of course, making it easier to
walk right back into it later in life. But even after one physically
abusive relationship and one verbal, I never stuck around. Even after
the blubbering of `I'm sorries' and even all-out threats and
intimidation, it's my style to just cut contact. Period. We never ever
speak or meet again. I don't try to make things better. I don't return
over and over and over to my abuser. I don't hope that `if I do this,
then he will do that'. I know a cycle when I see one. I know he's
sick. I know his problems were set in motion long before I ever got
there; therefore it's not my job to make things right- nor is it my
God-given responsibility to take on large tasks such as righting the
wrongs of the world. The ones that are beyond my control anyway.

Probably the worst thing for me, the part that I struggle with is the
dangerous echoes of the past when I reached out for help at my most
vulnerable and was attacked for it. Personally, I think we lie too
much to our children. We tell them to always tell the truth and they
will be better off for it. We say to them `If you are in trouble- tell
a trusted adult'. We say `Don't worry, kid- you can tell me anything.
You can come to me at anytime!' It feels so good to say that, to be
the safe harbor for someone. It makes us feel so BIG. We don't tell
them what we really mean:

• tell me anything- as long as it's what I want to hear, when I want
to hear it
• come to me with anything- as long as it's not difficult and doesn't
require too much in the way of heavy thought or emotional investment

It's a shame because children implicitly believe what you tell them.
The majority trust that the adults around them are leading them down
the straight and narrow. Then, when they follow instruction and we all
out attack them for their thoughts, feelings and ideas, we adversely
affect their ability to ever trust another human being ever again. We
screw up their idea of their place in the world. We make them doubt if
they themselves are ever worth standing up for.

Some (personal) experiences- out of many:

One time, my mother's boyfriend offered me $50 to take naked photos. I
told a trusted adult- my mother. She sided with him. I left home not
long after.

Growing up as a biracial person, I know I caused a great deal of
unease in the average person who sometimes didn't know how to define
my existence- even though I was no different than someone who was just
one race. As I found out, people will act out on their fears by making
the `different' party a target. Heck, we all know how cruel children
can be! As the years went by, I found out just how cruel teachers
could be, too.

(And for those of you who want to thumb your nose at the idea that
race plays no part when determining if abuse is present, you are
either blind as a bat or, as I see it, are deliberately playing the
part of the obtuse based on your own unexplored- and likely ignored-
problems towards the issue of race. Had I not been questioned as to
`what I did to cause' my abuse -as if anything could justify the
physical and verbal abuse I was enduring at the hands of classmates
right in front of teachers- then this in no way would be such a strong
issue for me. Somewhere in the back of society's mind, there IS a
common belief that somehow `brown people' cause their own misery that
they thrive on it or create it; that it's a `part of how they are'- a
`product of they're culture and lifestyle'. For the most part, I'd
agree- in some aspects. But being born into a cycle of violence and
abuse- you'll never convince me that is something that ANYONE
deserves, black, white, green or blue. I mourned greatly for the loss
of Jessie Davis and her child. Now- does anyone remember Latoyia
Figueroa?)

I have a verbally abusive ex. The guy was all but non-existent even
though we never lived more than 20 minutes away from him. If his mom
didn't pick up the kids, we never heard from him. He gave us his
blessing to move to another state in front of the judge- of course. He
didn't want to look like supreme a$$hole in front of a packed
courtroom. But that hasn't stopped him from now hiding behind the
privacy of a phone line and getting nasty. And demeaning. And hateful.
Abusive.

Oh- yeah, I've got my half inch thick domestic violence statement
detailing the past ten years of verbal abuse and harassment using the
legal system when I wouldn't play party to his threats. My envelope is
full of court documents, letters from him, journal entries- things
that pretty well establish his history as an abuser and harasser. As
soon as I tape record a conversation that demonstrates his well
practiced ability, it will go in the envelope and be delivered to the
local police department, Criminal Investigations Unit, Domestic
Violence Division.

Even with all the documentation, I can't help but hope it will be enough.

It's not his abuse. It's not the doubt of whether I'm a `good person'
or not. It's wondering if, once again, as has been a common theme in
my life, I will have done what I am supposed to do and be cast aside
and condemned regardless. It's the idea of being challenged and made
to defend myself, as I have all my life, from people- even those who
were supposed to be on my side. Those `protectors' who were supposed
to be neutral parties, who I went to at my most vulnerable and was
further injured through additional attack or plain brutal invalidation.

It's wondering if the judge will look at me like most do and assume
that I am `out to get someone' or `something'. I've kept to myself all
my life because I never know if people are being nice to me because
they want to or they just have to. I know we all have appearances to
keep- and I have certainly learned how important they can be and how
seriously many people take them. For a large majority out there,
appearance is EVERYTHING. In fact, I'm always keeping a distance for
the day the act goes and you turn on me. It's not a great way to live-
but for me, it's just like the fire extinguisher I keep in my kitchen.

I have read all the literature that talks about how to deal with your
abuser but none on what to do when you have been victimized and the
`authorities' who are supposed to step in repeatedly show you that the
`good guys' only win in the movies. That the unadulterated evil you've
experienced on the behalf of a warped mind is going to continue
because something about you seems to perfectly validate the utter
destruction of your soul?

My kids are caught in the middle and even though `he' has not been
present and is abusive, I'm petrified of being punished (AGAIN) for
being a good mother and going above and beyond the call of duty when
he has never even tried to be a part of the equation. I'm afraid
because if we go to court, even with all I have, all I've done, all he
HAS perpetrated, I will be the one the judge punishes.

I'm scared because for me, in my experience, the bad guy has always
won in the end.

Help.