Hi,
yup my guy kind of did this.. I finally got him to attend anger management
counselling - he went along.. with all good intentions but in reality he didn't
know what the problem was. See.. in his eyes he is just like his dad, he thinks
his dad is normal.. and so is he.

so he went to counselling, he told them if he drinks VB (beer) or JD (bourbon)
he gets psycho and abusive. The counsellor said.. so don't drink them.. drink
what you can handle. Then he told them I have a problem with him perving.. the
counsellor said.. so? All men do it.

I asked him if he told the cousellor WHY I had the problem.. for those who don't
know the prob.. it's because he told me he was not attracted to me, I'm fat and
ugly thats why he goes out with me.. there is no threat that anyone will want to
'pick me up' - he told me he doesn't like how I look that's why he looks at
others.. he told me he would rather sleep with the ppl he looks at.. and so
on... now tell me please... is that normal? NO....
it is not normal to put people down if you love them... it is not normal to use
'my ugliness' as his excuse to perve.. and besides the point.. he isn't normal
in the respect that he LOOKS for women to look at.. all day.. all night... a
normal guy would see something nice and have a look.. but not LOOK for it. I
put up with this daily...

Yesterday I finally had my say.. he can't see why I have a problem getting over
what he has said.. when, he tells me, he see's things in a totally different
light now and I am all he lives for (hmmmm...) So I put it to him straight.. I
told him the average guy is totally happy with the woman he is with.. and that
fantasising is normal in a healthy relationship... however to be disgusted by
your partner and prefer to be with someone else.. is a threat to the
relationship. I then asked him how he thinks I feel... he said.. I feel
threatened.. spot on! Earlier yesterday I had mentioned he is too complacent
and that he pays so little attention to what I do that he wouldn't know if I was
having an affair or not.. he felt very very threatened by it... I reminded him
of how he felt yesterday morning and all of a sudden it all made sense..

so I nailed my comments by saying if he EVER makes me feel like I take second
place again I am gone.. because if I am not the one he wants.. he will never be
happy and we are doomed anyway..
I mean this.. I have been with a guy I was not attracted to and eventually you
just don't wanna be there.

My point in all this ramble.. is that yes.. a guy may go to counselling, but
make sure he goes there with the intention to LEARN why he says the things he
does, and learn what triggers him..
this is where my guy missed the mark and I have found I am doing the
counselling.. but he IS seeing now what I went through..

San


Lynda Nicely <lyndan3000@...> wrote:
Hello Ladies!

So I went to my very first DV counselling session, and it was a scary reality
check. From the things I told her that happened between me and my boyfriend she
said she was literally scared for me. That he has criminalistic tendencies...
not that he is a criminal but he has the mindset of one. Imagine that... I
started looking at him in a whole new light. Say you were dating a Jeffery
Dahmer (a deceased serial killer from Wisconsin) and he was treating you a
certain way... well I don't think any one of us would have no problem telling
him to go find another victim. Now, my boyfriend is not a Dahmer type of
person, but the way he manipulates situations is along the same line. It was
just really creepy.... to date a person who has the capability to think like a
criminal... crazy!

So okay, I had that little reality check... then I got on the phone with him at
work ( he doesn't know I'm seeing a counselor) and he said he went to his
counseling session. (He has to go to counseling because of a drunk driving
ticket.) Anyway, he started telling me how he was actually going to take
advantage of the sessions and he started opening up to the counselor. So I'm
thinking 'Great, he is finally going to deal with all of his demons and get
help.' Yeah, maybe, but I didn't realize that he was also going to start using
the counseling as a threat to talk about me. He is now on this thing of saying
that I'm going to talk to my counselor and see if you are even right for me...
I'm going to tell her that you do this and that and I want to see what she
thinks of you and if I should be around you. Then he goes on to say that he is
getting himself fixed and precedes to say that I don't think I have a problem
when actually I have a ton of them and that I'm really the one who
needs counseling. This is really funny considering the fact that he didn't want
me to go get counselling without him in the room because he wants to make sure I
don't put any of the blame on him. BUT, it is okay for him to go see a
counselor and talk to her about me! OKAY BUB!! I personally, don't care if he
talks about me.. if he is bettering himself.. great. I just have a problem with
how it is yet another way to push the blame on me.
Has any of this ever happened to any of you? How do I deal with this one? I'm
really confused. I thought counselling was supposed to help him... not be used
as a way to say I'm the only problem. Advice needed!
Thanks!

Love, Lynda


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