When I came into this program I have to admit, Although I didn't remember thinking this until someone shared about it years later, I knew I was at death's door, I knew where I was there was only one was I THOUGHT I was headed.  But someone stepped in and reminded me that there was a solution.  I had experienced years before the death of a friend - Adrian who had three kids and when she died from addiction I watched the people around the kids and the kids go through the pain.  I watched this for years as it was never forgotten.  I remember when this person sat down next to me and carried the message to me one more time, that I didn't care if I died, I just didn't want to die like this, I didn't want my kids to remember me this way, I didn't want them to have to live remembering their mother as an addict and have to live with people reminding them of that the rest of their lives.  They deserved more than that.  I was going to get clean long enough to give it some dignity.  Wow, what a thought to save my life.  Thank you god.  But as I sit here now, I look at how things COULD have gone.  A few weeks ago I had a friend Robin who chose NOT to get the help again, she chose to take her own life.  She couldn't handle the pain of this disease another day.  I believe I shared about this.  This tore me apart as she and I were really good friends and had come into this program together and she chose to go back out.  She had two daughters and two grandchildren.  Now we talk about what was left behind.  Her one daughter who is 19 chose to pick up.  She chose to not deal with her mothers death and two nights ago her 2 year old son drowned in the pool while she was getting high in the house.  You see two people died because of one selfish act.  Her daughter is now in an instition on a suicide watch.  When I think about the fact that I didn't think that this disease affected anyone then me, that I was the one that was in pain, that I was the one that needed help, that I was the one blah blah blah.  They say this is a family disease and when I see things like this, it really puts it in my face.  My family was affected in ways I never thought possible.  I want to be sick thinking of the things that COULD have happened and thank GOD that they didn't.  If you are having a hard time today, look around and look at the faces of your family, if you have kids, remember, they could die because you are too busy getting high, and if you are thinking about killing yourself, remember who you could be affecting with that selfish act today.  No pain is worth running from.  The more I ran, the more people I hurt.  I remembered last night as I sat on this street where the police were driving me and my daughter was walking to school that day when they were taking me to the airport and I asked them to stop so I could say good-bye to her and the tears and the look on her face as she wouldn't look at me.  I remembered that last night.  I need to keep remembering that.  The topic right now is what miracle do you see in your life today, all I have to do is look in the mirror and see it.  I can talk more on that topic but right now I think I will look into the eyes of my family and those around me and see the relief in their eyes, the joy in their faces and they look at me and then go look in the mirror and realize that it is because they don't have to worry about me today.  I am not causing pain today.  I  get up with gratitude in my heart and move with happiness in my soul.  I am so grateful that I don't have to be around the drinkers, users pushers - that "excitement" that I use to think it was.  I can just live life on lifes terms and love it.  Wow, to think that I use to think that going to a bar was fun.  Oh my gosh who am I kidding?  I can blast my music and dance with my mop and have just as much fun.  I can laugh with my friends sitting at a dinner table or a barbeque and know that it is a "real" laugh.  These are the miracles of my life today.  The "LITTLE" things that I overlook each day. 

 

I just needed to share this stuff today.  I was so bothered by all of this, I needed to get it off my chest. 

 

Becki

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