By Randall Wayne

This page is for Christian men and their families to get another
perspective on the issue of cross-dressing. If you are not a
Christian, this page will probably not make much sense and could be
taken to be offensive, although that is not my heart in writing
this. If you are a Christian man looking for answers in how to deal
with cross-dressing, or a concerned spouse or family member of a
male to female cross-dresser, I invite you to read further and keep
an open mind. So, you have been warned.

There are some in the Christian faith who do not understand cross-
dressing and will condemn you. I know where you are coming from and
do not condemn you. I am not a therapist or counselor, but I
have "been in your heels", so to speak. I am now an ex-cross-dresser
(heterosexual M to F) by the grace and healing of Jesus Christ.

My desire is to offer hope to those who are conflicted by cross-
dressing and their spiritual beliefs. I am really not looking to
debate, but if you or a loved one wants freedom from cross-dressing,
you might find hope in my story. Feel free to e-mail me if I can
help you.

A Really Short Background
In or about October of 1996 I experienced an onslaught of temptation
and spiritual warfare in the area of cross-dressing. This strong
desire to dress in women's clothes was totally out of the blue,
although it was something that I had experienced before in my life.
At times, the temptation was so strong that it was all I could think
about. As a result, I could not focus on the normal activities of
life. Fortunately, I found help and hope. Today I can truly say
after over 30 years of dealing with this, "Thank God I'm free!"

I was an only child, so the closest thing to siblings I had to play
with were my girl cousins who were close to my age. Of course,
playing with girls meant playing girl games, like playing house and
dress up. So, the overall effect was that I was raised in a
feminized environment where the female role was dominant and the
male role was passive. In my inner being, I found the feminine role
attractive, but modeled after the passive male image.

One of my earliest remembrances was when I was about five or six and
my mother would have me try on clothes she was sewing for my girl
cousins to hem the skirts and make other alterations. As I grew
older and into adolescence, I had a strong desire to try on female
clothes. I remember finding discarded dresses, wigs, earrings, etc.
and trying them on and feeling an erotic excitement. I formed a
strong association at that time between wearing female clothing and
sexual release. Later in life in times of stress, I would retreat to
that same activity to feel relief. This was my secret world where I
could fantasize about being beautiful and soft.

On the outside, in many other ways I was a typical boy. I was active
in Boy Scouts, worked on cars, liked to go target shooting, and was
not feminine at all - just "a nice guy."

Marriage Years
In college, I met and married a wonderful girl to whom I am still
married. In the early years of our marriage, my cross-dressing
desires were only occasional. I never told my wife of my urge to
cross-dress because I was in a state of denial. I really didn't't
see cross-dressing as a bad thing, just an odd thing.

After we had been married for a few years and had both of our boys,
the pressures of work and family seemed to increase my desire to
cross-dress. I would look for any occasion to cross-dress,
especially Halloween. On unexpected opportunity came at a church
banquet where one of the ladies of the church asked me if I would
dress up as Dolly Parton. This was a real treat because not only
could I cross-dress, but I could do it right at church! During these
years, I would feel guilt, confess the cross-dressing as sin, but
eventually do it again. I never really admitted to myself I was a
cross-dresser.

A strange irony is that my wife is a Mary Kay cosmetics consultant,
with a whole closet full of make-up inventory right in my study at
home. I guess you might say I was not really a hard-core case
because I never took anything from her inventory, but I sure was
tempted at times!

Even though cross-dressing was a source of release, it was also a
cycle of guilt and shame. Every time I would do it, I would feel
shame. The shame would cause me to feel even worse about myself than
I did before and I would be tempted to cross-dress again to relieve
that shame and so on.

Eventually, I got to the point where I just decided to "white
knuckle" it and quit cross-dressing. Whenever a temptation would
come along, I would just ignore it. I really didn't give a thought
to cross-dressing for two or three years. I managed to totally
repress any feelings or thoughts about cross-dressing. Then, the
Lord engineered what I believe to be an incredible set of
circumstances.

The Spiritual Warfare
We were happy in our church at the time, but on the day of our 19th
wedding anniversary, the Lord impressed both my wife and I that we
should move on. "But to where?" we wondered. We decided to visit a
new church much closer to home and we were so led by the Lord that
we joined. One of the first sermon series was titled "Everyday
Victory for Everyday People." This study in spiritual warfare would
prove to be life changing.

After going through the study, my wife approached me one day and
said that she felt a need to confess a stronghold in her life so
that she might be delivered. I already knew about her stronghold,
and I said, "Well, since you confessed yours, let me confess mine."
In the previous days, I had started to experience some of the old
temptations of cross-dressing. I said, "You know I struggle with
smoking, but I also have another problem that I have struggled with
all my life." At that time I told my wife that I had strong urges to
wear women's clothes. I was also quick to say that I was not asking
for her acceptance or permission of any cross-dressing. I also
explained that the battle at that point was mainly in my mind and
that I had never been unfaithful to her. She handled my confession
very well and said she would pray with me about how to deal with
this problem.

I decided that I needed more information about cross-dressing, so I
logged on to the Internet and started doing searches on "cross-
dressing" and "Christian." This proved to be a mistake. I learned
everything the world had to say on the topic and I learned what the
arguments that other Christians had constructed to justify the
behavior. At this point, I became very confused and deceived. I saw
so many images of guys like me transformed into beautiful women,
that I was really tempted to seek out a makeover for myself.

It was at this point that the temptations and thoughts were almost
constant. I was having dreams about being dressed as a beautiful
woman and those dreams would set me up for the rest of the day
thinking about such things. It was hard for me to work or do
anything else with these thoughts constantly bombarding me. I would
even fantasize that my wife would go along with and accept my
behavior. I was truly deceived. I was truly staring to get concerned
that I might start acting out my temptations in public.

I was typical of many male to female cross-dressers in that in all
other areas of life, I was masculine in appearance and actions. I
also had absolutely no desire for relations with other males, so
homosexuality was not part of my problem.

It was at this point that I realized I had a clear-cut decision:
either choose the ways of the world or follow after God. I loved the
Lord more than I loved the urge to cross-dress, so I made a decision
to get Christian-based help.

Coming Into the Light
As I shared this with my wife, she suggested that I get Christian
counseling. Almost every resource I found said that cross-dressing
could not be cured. Even many of the Christians who had testimonies
on the Internet told of how they knew that it was all right to cross-
dress - to them it was not a sin, but something fun to do. The only
resource I could find on the Internet that dealt with cross-dressing
as a sin was First Stone Ministries' home page. I was glad to learn
they were in my home city.

The first person I spoke with was Stephen Black. Stephen was the
first person to sit down with me and show me Romans 1:18-32.
Although I considered myself a mature Christian and student of the
Bible, this passage took on a whole new meaning to me. For the first
time in this entire episode, I saw that I had been deceived by "the
lie" of the enemy. Stephen assured me that Jesus was not a cross-
dresser and that if Jesus is our model, then we should pattern our
lives after Him.

After my initial visit with Stephen, I started meeting on a monthly
basis with a female counselor - Kim Gately. Before I started meeting
with her, I did not know whether it was best for me to meet with a
male or female counselor. As it turns out, I feel that she was the
perfect person to counsel me. I really needed the female perspective
on my problem and also on my relationship with my wife. A verse that
she shared with me that really helped during times of temptation was
Romans 6:21 - 22,

"What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now
ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now you have been set
free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap
leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."

Whenever temptation would come, I would remember this verse and it
helped me to ask, "Is this going to benefit me?" The answer was
always "no," so instead of simply ignoring the temptation, I dealt
with it in a rational way.

Around Christmas time, I made a special trip to my parent's house to
talk with them. Although I didn't share specifics about my problem,
I did ask many questions about my upbringing. I discovered some
things and I also learned that some events which were significant in
my memory, were not remembered by them at all. One of the
significant things that happened was hearing my parents say that
they never expected me to be perfect. I think that growing up I has
felt a perceived (by me) expectation to always be a good boy, never
to get into trouble, always make good grades, etc. As a result,
there was something in me that wanted to rebel against that
expectation, but I never did rebel openly - just in my private world.

It took about two months before the voices in my head started to die
down. One night when I was on a business trip, I had one thought too
many and got angry enough with the enemy that I resolved to get rid
of this thing one and for all. I knew that I was weak, but the Lord
is strong. Under the authority of Jesus, I gave the enemy and his
demons their marching orders back to HELL.

Soon, I started seeing things much more clearly. I also was able to
bring things out into the light with family, which really helped.
The more I talked about this with my wife, the more deliverance I
received.

A major resource that helped me during this initial time of coming
into the light was T.D. Jakes' book Loose That Man and Let Him Go. I
found it to be an excellent book in helping me to learn what it
means to be an authentic man of God. A foundational verse that came
to mean much (and still does) to me is

I Corinitians 13:11:

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways
behind me."

I realized that cross-dressing was like playing the childish game
of "dress up" like I used to with my cousins when I was a child.
cross-dressing also tends to be self-centered, with the cross-
dresser expecting others to accommodate their behavior even to the
detriment of their families. I could either stay in a childish
condition or I could move on and be a man. I chose to be the man God
wanted me to be.

Learning to be a man patterned after God's plan was a matter of
learning the truth and modeling after Jesus. I realized that a
lifetime of being raised and taught by women had unknowingly
feminized me. Actually, I think many men today share this condition.
I don't mean to be sexist, because certainly both male and female
models are needed for a balanced upbringing. The problem is that
males and females approach life from different perspectives and
being exposed to largely the female perspective, I developed a
gender confusion.

At this point, my wife ministered to me in two very tangible ways.
First, she affirmed my manhood verbally. This was powerful,
especially when having sex. Secondly, she helped me upgrade my
wardrobe. I think one of the reasons I was drawn to cross-dressing
was because I felt women get to wear more stylish clothes. One of
the things we did was to buy me some new suits. We got a great deal
on some high quality suits at a local discount clothing store and
they really helped me feel better about myself.

Something else I started doing at this time was "reality checks." A
practical example of this was when I reasoned through the issue of
my self-esteem. I had always seen myself as unattractive and I think
this also contributed to the cross-dressing urges. While in my
confused state, I liked the thought of being beautiful. So, I
decided to do a reality check at Wal-Mart one day. While walking
through the store I started counting how many people, both men and
women, were truly attractive. I still had two unused fingers after
the count! Admittedly, Wal-Mart is not where the "beautiful" people
hang out, but still I realized that by far most people are average
at best and some are just downright ugly. I don't intend to be mean
about this, but the reality is that beauty is a fleeting fantasy for
most people. I also had to come to terms that I didn't make a
ravishing beauty when dressed up, either!

For the next few months, the cross-dressing temptations and urges
died down tremendously. Only every once in a great while did I think
of cross-dressing. When a temptation would come my way, instead of
simply dismissing it or ignoring it, I dealt with it. For example, I
would examine the thought and say in my mind, "Lord, I know I am the
man you made me to be. I know you love me just the way I am. In the
name of the Lord Jesus Christ I command Satan and his demons to
flee." This worked without fail.

Then, one Saturday morning I awoke feeling free for the first time
in many, many years. I know it sounds odd, but it was like an
overnight final transition happened. Not only were there no cross-
dressing temptations or feelings, but also the appetite for other
fleshly actions were gone. I felt clean and free. The only thing I
can figure is that God healed me in my sleep.

Some Common Questions
Here are some of the basic questions I had to deal with in my
journey. They might not have the answers who want to hear, but to
the best of my study and reasoning they represent a Biblical
perspective.

Is Cross-dressing A Sin?
This is probably the key question because if cross-dressing is not a
sin, then it shouldn't be a problem. You will find differing
opinions on this, many of which are constructed by Christians (and
non-Christians) who wish to justify cross-dressing as a harmless
activity. I don't want to condemn anyone as "sinner," because I have
many other sins myself. I also understand where you are at. So
please look at these as things to consider, not a condemnation.

True, about the only direct reference you will find on cross-
dressing is in Deuteronomy buried in the Judaic code. If we use that
verse for a reference we are on shaky ground because most of us do
things like eat pork, which is also in there. Besides, the blood of
Jesus has set us free from the law to follow a higher law of grace.

In my early struggles I reasoned that cross-dressing was not a sin
because obviously men wear and have worn wigs for many years, actors
wear makeup, etc. Although each piece of the picture can be taken
alone as harmless human activity, when you combine all of the pieces
for the overall effect of trying to pass as or become a person of
the opposite sex, you have transcended into an entirely different
realm. If cross-dressing was simply wearing a dress but acting like
a male, then one could perhaps make the point they were doing a bad
imitation of Milton Berle. But if you follow the path of many male
to female cross-dressers you will find it leads to learning how to
walk, talk and act like a female.

By shedding your masculinity and over-developing the feminine you
are stepping outside of the role God has for you. This concept is
even more important if you are a husband and father. It is very
clear in scripture that God has ordained a specific order for the
family where the husband is the spiritual leader. I know from
experience that you can't be the masculine spiritual leader of a
family and a practicing cross-dresser without some kind of
detrimental effect. One reason for this is that the spiritual leader
should be active and not passive. Transcending into the female role
or image is usually a passive role.

Another problem is when male children are involved and the father
models a passive image. The children are likely to carry that image
into their own marriages and experience all kinds of difficulties.
Personally, it was very difficult for me to even discuss this
subject with my two sons, much less let them see me in the act. My
sons and I have a great relationship and I am teaching them the
importance of active leadership in the home. Please don't
misunderstand me - I'm not advocating a domineering, heavy handed
approach. I'm talking about leading our families as our loving
Heavenly Father leads us.

Also keep in mind that something can be a sin even if there is no
direct reference to it in the Word. You must submit an issue to
the "whole test" of the Word. In other words, is the practice
consistent with the overall teaching of the Bible? It is entirely
possible to construct all kinds of arguments to justify a particular
sin, even in the presence of numerous New Testament references
indicating otherwise. One current example of this is the
justification of homosexuality as Scripturally permissive.

The Bible also speaks to the issue that some things are permissible,
but not all things are expedient. So, we can reason that some common
sense and judgement is needed to make the call. If cross-dressing is
a problem in your relationship to God, your wife, or anyone else
close to you, then you might consider it as one of the not so
expedient things to do.

I consider myself to be the kind of believer that could "eat meat
sacrificed to idols" and it not bother me in the least. In other
words, I am not a legalist. I don't like to live by rules alone, but
some are needed to establish boundaries.

While searching for an answer to the question of cross-dressing
being a sin, I realized that I was looking for a black and white
literal answer in the Word that was not there. My reasoning was that
if the prohibition was not there, it was OK to cross-dress. Later, I
realized that was the same attitude the Pharisees had in Jesus' day -
they would strain at observing all of the "must dos," but they
would create all kinds of ways to follow the law literally while
breaking it in spirit. It occurred to me that on this issue, I had
become a legalist!

Let's define sin as missing the perfect mark of God. As Christians
we know that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."
(Romans 3:23) We also know that "the wages of sin are death."
(Romans 6:23) The good news is that Jesus forgives all of our sins
when we turn to him for forgiveness with a repentant heart.

So, for me, I believe cross-dressing is a sin because:

1. It is deception - Yes, most of us to some degree modify our
appearance to cover imperfections and to look our best (although
sometimes the modifications look worse than the imperfection!).
However, to equate this with being completely transformed to look
like the opposite sex is a huge leap of reasoning.

2. It violates God's ordained gender role for a person - God doesn't
make mistakes, but Satan can take small hurts and flaws in our
upbringing to cause gender confusion. This gender confusion can
cause many kinds of relationship problems.

3. A cross-dressing father is a confusing model for children.

4. Cross-dressing is normally a very self-centered activity.

5. It is not healthy for most marriage relationships. True, there
are some exceptions to this, but most women I have spoken with on
the subject indicate a) they want a masculine male as a husband and
b) they don't care to be in a virtual lesbian relationship with the
other woman as their husband.

The real test of whether or not something is a sin is your comfort
level in doing it in front of people you go to church with. For
example, would you feel at ease dressing up and attending church "en
femme?" If the answer to this question is "no" or if you feel guilt
over cross-dressing, then it fails this test.

I do know that for many men who are in conflict between cross-
dressing and their faith, the compulsion to cross-dress is a
spiritual bondage. You dream about it at night, you read about it,
you fantasize about it, and before long you want to go public. I
personally would spend many hours on the Internet looking at web
sites of other cross-dressers. When anything goes to this point of
compulsion, there is a spiritual stronghold. The Lord is to be the
center of our attention and the object of our praise. When I was set
free from the bondage, I could finally see the issues much more
clearly. It also helps to have someone to speak openly with. The
more you bring the issue into the light the less power the bondage
has over you. It is a very freeing experience to "confess your
faults one to another that you may be healed." (James 5:16)

Finally, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal this answer to your own
spirit. I can only give you my perspective. You must be convicted in
your own spirit as to the right and wrong of cross-dressing before
you can change.

Is it Possible to Change?
Most secular psychologists will tell you that a cross-dresser might
go into remission, but will relapse during times of stress. They
also say the same about homosexuals. I can't give you my long term
story yet, but I know I'm free from any desire to cross-dress. I can
also point you to others who have been set free from cross-dressing,
homosexuality, and other areas of sexual brokenness for many years.
Of course, the secular media usually doesn't report those cases.

(First Stone Ministries defines Sexual Brokenness as: Devastation
brought about by behaviors outside of God's original intent of
sexuality. These include adultery, promiscuity,
homosexuality,lesbianism, sexual abuse, molestation, prostitution,
pornography, transexuality and transvestitism.)

Yes, there is hope! It's not easy and it's not quick, but you can be
set free by Jesus Christ. The first step is to follow the Lord's way
and not the world's way. You must repent of your sin and ask the
Lord to heal you. cross-dressing is a symptom of an inner hurt. To
deal with the cross-dressing, you must first deal with your inner
wounds.

In breaking the cycle of compulsion, you will also need to do
spiritual warfare. An excellent resource for this are all of the
Neil Anderson books. The titles are found at the end of this article.

Healing prayer, where your past and present hurts are healed by the
Holy Spirit, is how the Lord ministers to you. You will likely need
someone to intercede for you in this area, but it is one of the most
powerful ways to be healed. Leanne Payne has written a wonderful
book, Crisis in Masculinity, which describes the healing prayer
process. You can find or order the book from your Christian
bookstore.

Am I the Only One?
By no means! I don't know of any firm statistics, but if cross-
dressing is like any other activity, the church is slightly less
than secular society in terms of percentages of people with
addictions and compulsions. If this is true, then somewhere around 2
percent of men in our churches cross-dress. The problem is that not
many people are aware of this or even believe it. I can tell you of
a transgender ministry that has over 500 regular correspondents on
transgender issues.

How Do I Tell my Wife and Family?
This is something that many cross-dressers really struggle with. In
my case, I know my wife so well, that it was very natural to seek
her help. But keep in mind, that I was coming from an attitude of
repentance and confession. I would advise you to get Christian
counseling in sexual brokenness issues to decide when and how to
tell your mate. You and the your family will need support and a
Christian counselor can be the person to help you through the rough
spots. You will need to trust the Lord to prepare the hearts of
those nearest to you.

Why Should I Stop cross-dressing?
I had a struggle with this myself. At first I felt almost a grief at
giving up a fetish-like behavior I had clung to for comfort for
almost 30 years. I can now say it was the best thing I ever did. My
relationship with my wife and family is so much better than it was
before I made the choice. I'm not proud of my past thoughts and
actions of cross-dressing, but I am glad I made the choice to follow
God's leading in my life.

Actually, stopping cross-dressing was a result of dealing with all
of the hurts and wounds of my past, taking them to the Lord, and
getting healing from Him. I had tried simply quitting before but it
never lasted because I was treating the symptom and not the problem.
As my wife has remarked, "I had no idea there was even a problem in
our marriage. Everything was just going along fine." The trouble was
that I was living in my own private fantasy world and not dealing
with reality. I was the spiritual leader of our family in name only.

A Final Word
Keep seeking the Lord. He will reveal all truth to you and "the
truth will set you free." (John 8:32) In my victory over cross-
dressing, I found it to be more of a truth battle as opposed to a
power struggle with the enemy.

Also, look down the path to see where cross-dressing leads. If you
examine closely what is on some of the more popular web sites, you
will find graphic descriptions of bi-sexuality and infidelity. What
goes in our minds usually works its way out into practice. Ask
yourself if this is really what you want in your life.

Many of us in the Christian community have grown to see adultery as
the "big sin" to be avoided. In doing so, we condone other behaviors
that undermine the marriage relationship almost as much and are just
as sinful to God. In cross-dressing, you can be "the other woman."

Consider what would happen if someone found out about your cross-
dressing. There is great truth to the saying "Your sin will find you
out." So, you need to give this some consideration before your
reputation is affected.

Finally, and most importantly, God loves you with an everlasting
love. You were in his thoughts when he created the world. He knows
your every hurt and your every need. When you come to the end of
yourself and feel you can go no lower, God is there to welcome you
home. He and the angels will rejoice!

If this has been a help to you, or if I can pray with you, e-mail
me. If you are the spouse or a family member of someone struggling
with cross-dressing, e-mail me and my wife can join me in sharing
and praying with you.

The following verse describes my motive in putting in taking a stand
and putting this information on the web:

"Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart
from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of
demons, speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience
seared with a hot iron, forbidding to marry, and commanding to
abstain from foods which God created to be received with
thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For every
creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is
received with thanksgiving; for it is sanctified by the word of God
and prayer. If you minister the brethren in these things, you will
be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished in the words of faith
and of the good doctrine which you have carefully followed. But
reject profane and old wives' fables and exercise yourself toward
godliness." (I Timothy 4: 1 - 7)

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