Tami,
Thankyou for writing me. I do appreciate it.I have seen the site and see the
activity and I just don't understand it but it does show me I am right I don't
matter to anyone. Please don't take it personally. If you were not responding I
would just quit this group cause I can tell they are not going to respond to me
after my desperate pleas and frankly I am not suprised. Just to let you know
once I write I delete what I write because if my husband knew what I was saying
he would be furious with me. Thankyou for admitting you can listen because that
is all anyone can do. I am not a big fan of the internet for support because the
whole world can read and noone is in front of you face to face and that is what
I need and I am not talking therapy. I need a real person who is a friend face
to face. If I had both I think I would be a little better. I do live in a rurual
area there is some to do but I also have difficulty seeing boys ages 5-10. It
triggers massive
panic attacts for me. My surviving son is only 2 and we play and I go to the
gym and he gets to run around a room the size of a gymnasium and then we play at
the house, he eats, naps and plays some more. I get all my exercise at the gym.
That is what I do with my time. Your suggestion was good and I have done some
things in my son's memory. I will be doing more. I have also written some
articles and stories for local newspapers but dealing with the ache and pain and
suffering of the his death is excruiating. The pain is suffocating me. If anyone
understand a little then they are walking in my shoes and I don't wish this on
my worst enemy. The death of anyone in a person's life is painful but the death
of your own child is impossible. Yes, it is hard to lose anyone. I have lost
both my grandmother's whom I was close to and my grandfathers, recently my
stepfather to Parkinson's disease whom I loved dearly and many other's. We are
not sopposed to bury our
children, it's not normal and noone gets it. The more time that goes by you
just learn more and more to stuff it because noone cares anyone. God forbid
anyone mention his name. Noone bothered on his birthday, I wasn't suprised. As a
rule I know people are selfish and callous and only care about themselves and it
makes me sick. I have always been there for others. Everything I do in my son's
name or not is completly alone. To answer your question No, I have noone to turn
to. I am here because of my surviving son. He is all I have in this world but
you and I both know that a person can't cure an eating disorder. There is no
help and without anyone in person in my life I just stumble through each awful
day alone. I know one thing. There is nothing in life you can control but what
you do to your own body. It's sad. That is why I write and want to start a
program for others in my son's honor and memory because noone should have to
walk this awful awful
journey of "h****" I am on. Thanks for caring. Your really writing for the
whole group since they are not going to respond to me and that hurts. Cyberspace
doesn't even care.
jackie


----- Original Message ----
From: Tami Miller <tjflowersmiller@...>
To: theurgetopurge@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Sunday, July 20, 2008 8:11:29 PM
Subject: Re: [The Urge to Purge] I am new to this group anyone there-trigger
death of a child

Jackie,
 
I am here to listen...and I care.  Your pain is severe....I can feel it in your
words.  I can't do much more than listen and let you know that I do care.  I am
not a professional and don't know much what to say.
 
Are you living in a rural area without much around to do?  Do you have ANY one
that you can turn to...friends, family, anyone?  Have you thought about pouring
yourself into something important to you?  (like a foundation to remember
Kyle)? 
 
You need to take care of yourself...you are important to your 2 year old....be
there for him.  Please hang in there....I am thinking about you.
 
Tami



--- On Sun, 7/20/08, jackie <kykysmom@...> wrote:

From: jackie <kykysmom@...>
Subject: [The Urge to Purge] I am new to this group anyone there-trigger death
of a child
To: theurgetopurge@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, July 20, 2008, 5:45 PM






My name is Jackie and I am new to the group. I am a very active
bulimic. My buimia has gotten worse after my 5 year old son was
murdered. I restrict, don't eat all day and eat one small meal at
night. I have numerous health problems among which include 3
heartattacts, diabetes now, thyroid low active,hypertensive . I don't
care at all about myself. I have no friends or family that are
involved in my life and I spend all my time with my surviving 2 year
old son. Noone has been here for me since the death of my son and I
recently lost my stepfather to Parkinsons Disease and I had a good
relationship with him. I am completly alone. I am in so much pain I
can't see straight and so lonely I am going to explode. I am in a
miserable marriage, don't work, have Panic Disorer and anxiety
attacts, insomnia, been raped long time ago,. Why can anyone answer
that for me. I hate myself and blame myself for my babies death even
though it wasn't my fault. Kyle turned 10 on the 5 of July. I am an
alcoholic and I turned to the bottle that day and my husband was
livid. We didn't speak the whole weekend. Can't anyone see how much
pain I am in. I think if I hear anyone make any excuses for other's
not knowing what to do I will scream. You either care or you don't.
In our case it is obvious. I take laxatives, exercise 6 days a week,
don't eat, take diet pills and hate everything about myself. I love
my baby and he is all I have in this world. Nobody else cares and
please noone mention god to me. Sorry if this offends anyone but not
only am I a non believer God killed my son. I have heard every
stupid thing in the book and the worst was when someone said to me
why didn't we send him back when we found out he was sick. My son's
are adopted. He is not a car or an old pair of shoes. I am here for
everyone why can't just one person be here for me. I was definitly
right about one thing. I absolutely do not matter to anyone. I am
sorry for introducing myself this way there is so much more but I
think that is enough for now.

Please someone I need to be bombarded with care. NOone has been here
for me and I don't know what to do anymore. There is no help where I
live by the way or support groups or anything so I really am alone
and basically divorced just living in the same house.

jackie
















     

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