Hi Kathy, and welcome to the group :). I just posted something on our
permanent group that may help you and that is something my parents always
did with me and that was always be open about talking about her cleft lip
and palate. Always be open to any questions that she may ask. This helps
reduce shame.

Since I wasn't strong enough inside to know how to deal with teasing, I
would talk to my parents about it and as time went on, they discovered what
advice did and did not work for me. Since we are all different, you may
find some different results as you talk to your daughter over time. What
didn't help me was being told to "ignore it", "There's worse things that you
could have been born with", "Everyone gets teased". For some members who
were born cleft, this advice did help, but for others it made it worse. One
thing my mom told me that did help and still helps was "Never be afraid to
show how great you really are".

As to how I dealt with other students, well I didn't have a problem until
junior high then it went downhill fast. One thing I noticed though not
until the last year or so of high school, was talking about it in front of
the class. I personally never had a problem talking about being born cleft
since I never felt shame from my family. I found many of the students have
more respect for me after I gave a speech about it (usually the class
project was to a oral report on anything you want). I did this also in
college. And as I talked about it, I got less nervous talking in front of
crowds. Since I knew my story well enough, I was able to concentrate more
on eye contact and body posture. I just wish I know about the effects of
that when I was in junior high!

If your daughter is interested, find a local support group. We didn't find
one until I was 18 and by then I was more giving of support than receiving
it and it was mostly for parents of cleft children though I did meet a
couple teens. But it's best to ask your daughter how she feels about it.
Some aren't comfortable meeting others face to face who were also born
cleft, and some are like me and look forward to it.

I hope this helps you out some :) . And if everything goes to schedule,
we'll be back to meeting at http://www.smartgroups.com/groups/cleftclub
tomorrow (Thurs) at 12pm Eastern so your more than welcome to join us there
:)

Kim
The Cleft Club
http://CleftClub.com
Born to be Cleft :)
http://BornToBeCleft.com

----- Original Message -----
From: "mom2vess" <buildit@...>
To: <thecleftclub@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Wednesday, June 19, 2002 8:44 PM
Subject: [The Cleft Club] mom looking for advice


> Hi Everyone,
>
> My name is Kathy & I am mom to Veska(bclp). Vess was adopted from
> Bulgaria @ the age of 31/2. She is now almost 6y/o. She has had 3
> surgeries since she's been home...lip repair, palate repair & scar
> revision. She is a great kid. She's bright, wise, sensitive &
> determined.
>
> I noticed that there are many cleft affected adults posting to this
> site as opposed to parent's of cleft affected kids. As I struggle to
> instill confidence, love & understanding in my daughter's heart I
> wonder if there is more that I can do or something different I should
> be doing.
>
> I would be grateful if some of you would share with me what your
> parents did or didn't do to prepare you for the challenges you faced
> as cleft affected children.How you handled riducule from your peers
> as children, etc. I would welcome any suggestion/advice you can offer.
>
> Kathy