I like this group because it's not just for one problem, in the last
two years I've started having a lot of problems, so I should probably
start there.

About two years ago, my best friend and I started drifting apart, and
we had known each other for almost our whole lives. That's when I
started getting depressed, it was also around then that my older
brother started hitting me. Whenever there was something wrong he'd
take it out on me. Sometimes we get along fine, but othertimes he's
this violent maniac, and I want to call the police, but the times
when he's nice he's like a good friend.
Then about a year after everything started I learned why my friend
and I were drifting apart. She was getting involved with all these
wrong people online, she knew all sorts of things that really
disturbed me. She had about 5 online boyfriends. Then when her first
one broke up with her she tried to kill herself, but she didn't tell
me, but she told her friends online, I felt so helpless to do
anything about what was going on around me, that's when my depression
and things really started. Then my brother got worse, hitting me
more, swaring at me, he threatened to kill me, but I know I can't
call the police, Ussually we're just home alone, and then he really
would kill me. By the time I'm alone, I don't want to because I'm
still scared, but I stated to stand up for myslef, fighting him back
a little, but I always lost because I held back because I still
really loved him because he was my brother, and I couldn't let go of
that.
Then last january, my grandmother died, and I felt horrible, because
I had never done anything for her, she was my last grandparent and
going over to her house was always such a chore for me. I was rude to
her, and my brother and I would have our fights right there in her
house. So that's when I started to think about Killing myself. But in
the last month I've started scaring myself by mainly thinking about
killing my brother, and the thought almost makes me happy, I know I
need help, he's going to college next year, But I'm afraid I can't
wait that long, and that I'll do something horrible to either myself
or him And none of this is helping my mom, who's almost always sick.
But I just don't know what to do at all.