This is another piece from Something Fishy. I hope I'm not breaking
copyright laws here, I am putting where it's from, that hopefully
makes it ok?

"This Child
Men, Women and Children
by Amy Medina

Once upon a time there was a small child... a child with wide eyes
of innocence and security. A child that could laugh and play. A
child that could cry and be comforted. A child that could make silly
faces in the mirror and be glad to see silly faces looking back.

One day, this little child was crushed. Maybe it was because this
small child was made to feel no good. Told not to cry. Hit with a
hand or a stick. Sexually abused. It might have been the parental
conflicts and family dysfunction, it might have been dad's
alcoholism or mom's push of food as comfort, or maybe the death or
abandonment of one or both parents. Maybe it was the ridicule by
peers or the ingrained phrase "you'd be better only if..." Maybe not
all of these things, maybe just one... or maybe something else.
Either way this child felt bad.

As this child grew so did the bad feelings. Sometimes it was easy to
feel loved with a lot of ice-cream. Sometimes it felt good to let
built up anger or sadness go with vomitting. It felt good to binge
and then take laxatives as a means of reaffirming the bad feelings,
to self-punish. Sometimes the small child felt in control of life
restricting food intake or jogging for 3 hours. The only thing this
small child knew was that losing weight would make life better, and
that concentrating on the food made it forgettable.

The child became overweight, binging to fill the void. "Food is my
only friend, it will comfort me." The child could not seem to get
enough, the void was never filled but temporarily. Plus, the excess
weight made it easy to keep people away. To steer clear of
vulnerability. "Life would be better if I could just lose weight."
Cook books, this diet, that diet, baking. Endless hours in the
kitchen preparing food. This child began purging after binges... the
tension and self-hate seemed to lift, and the guilt from feeling
like a glutton for so many things, for feeling selfish, for making a
mistake, would fade. Laxatives and diet pills, dieuretics and
fasting. "My life will be good when I lose the weight." Striving for
perfection, this child began to avoid food. No more than ________
calories today... no more than ________ tomorrow. The control was
unbelievable! "I'm not feeling well" or "I already ate." No more
silly faces, but a tired and broken body reflecting back in the
mirror saying, "just a few more pounds and life will be better."

Headaches, dizziness, fatigue and joint pain. Isolation and
lonliness. Hyperactivity and insomnia. Back and chest pains.
Moodiness. Depression on top of depression. Sickness.
"Life will surely get better soon..."
And then...
this overweight, this "normal" weight, this underweight child died.

The doctors said,
"heart attack,"
"kidney failure,"
"stroke."
"We did all we could."

I cry for this child, in the end feeling alone and like no one
cared. Feeling worthless and stupid, and like a burden to those in
life. I cry for this wounded child whose life ends at 12, 15, 25,
38, 55, because of Compulsive Overeating, Anorexia or Bulimia. I cry
as I read the words, carved into this childs' headstone, on a small
grave now far away:


I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.
Why couldn't I stop until I had died?
It was hate for myself hidden inside.



"This Child" can be anyone from someone with Compulsive Overeating
to Anorexia or Bulimic. It can be your husband or wife, your sister
or brother, your son or daughter, your lover or friend, a parent or
grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a neice, a nephew, a cousin. They
might be male or female, any age, and come from any race or
religious background. It is me, it is you or it is someone you love
or know.

To have an Eating Disorder is to have a disease of the self-esteem,
and to have a broken coping mechanism. Eating Disorders are about
being addicted to a behavior that makes it easy to temporarily
forget problems and feelings of depression and self hate, stress and
anxiety, guilt and pressure. Just like alcohol is a symptom of
alcoholism, food is a symptom of Anorexia, Bulimia or Compulsive
Overeating. The real issues are hidden away in each sufferers heart
and mind. "