This is an amazing article, I found it on www.teenadviceonline.org.
Please read it if you have an eating disorder yourself, it made me
think twice about what I was doing to myself. You can print it out
to give a friend to read if they are struggling with a disorder.
It's long, but it's definitely worth reading.

"Eating Disorders: Weight vs. Life"

by A TAO Counselor

To all those who are struggling/have struggled with disordered
thoughts about weight/eating.

This article may be written specially for you, if one or more of the
following apply to you (the list is not complete):

You feel that "if you only were thin/ thinner", your whole life
would be better and/or people would like you more

You react to stressful situations or upsetting feelings (whether
they be about you, your body, your life, worry, the world..) by
eating / bingeing / purging / exercising excessively / restricting
your eating or starving yourself / feeling fat

You feel guilty / ashamed about your eating

Your feelings of self-worth / satisfaction are dictated by your
weight/ size

You are ashamed of the way you look and/or try to hide your weight
ie. with clothing

You make excuses in order to skip meals / lie about your eating

You avoid eating while others are watching / hide or steal food /
eat secretly

You feel out of control while eating / you try to avoid eating for
fear of losing control (which may often result in binge eating)

Your thoughts and feelings are plagued by a fear of becoming "fat"
or gaining weight

You constantly feel "fat" or "too big" (even though other people may
say you are not)

You often compare your appearance to other people (who could be
models, friends, family, strangers in the street) and feel
competitive feelings / jealousy of those you see as "thinner" than
you

Eating/food is constantly on your mind

You use diet pills, laxatives, "magic diets", diuretics, etc, /
exercise obsessively / you count calories/fat grams/weigh your food,
in order to control your weight

You would be worried if someone close to you had your eating habits/
thoughts/ feelings

Physical complaints having to do with eating disorders may or may
not be present. These might include (but are not restricted to):
dizziness/faintness, headaches, lightheadedness, blackouts, blurred
vision, difficulty concentrating, unusual forgetfulness, tingling or
numbness in parts of your body, bruising easily, always feeling
cold/hot, soft cottony hair/ "fur" growing on body parts (called
lanugo), fatigue, mood swings, hyperactivity, low blood pressure,
heart palpitations, chest pains, extremely low or high heart rate,
joint pains, stomach cramping, chronical flu symptoms, sore throats,
dental problems, irregularity or disruption of menstrual cycle,
infertility, anxiety.. (list was compiled using www.something-
fishy.org as a resource)
Wanting to Reach Out to You

*Click* my email program said, and the dialog box exclaimed: "You
have new mail!" I opened the mail - A TAO help question - and I
read, my heart clouding over with painful recognition. It was a
letter, from a girl who was struggling with her weight.. She told
about the feelings of pride that losing more weight brought, and her
question was on how to "stay thin" yet "not ruin her health" --- how
to "satisfy her anorexic mind".

To be completely honest... the first thing I felt when I read the
question was... (and I felt horrible for feeling it) A pang of
jealousy. And then anger (not at her, but at me..). Jealousy,
because the feelings the girl was describing hit "home" for me, and
I suddenly became angry with myself from remembering that there were
people out there who were actually *succeeding* at "it" --- "getting
thin" --- while I wanted to do it so badly, but couldn't seem to be
able to anymore. What followed was quite an emotional tantrum of
feelings racing back and forth in my mind. But then.. I ended up
writing about those feelings that had suddenly hit me so hard, and
sharing them with a friend.. and getting feedback --- and having so
many things cleared in my head. Thanks to what the girl who sent in
the question had written, as well as thanks to an amazing friend. :)

At first, I thought that it wouldn't be of any use to write about
this, because I know from experience that the only thing that can
turn the head of someone with an eating disorder is a will that
comes from within. No matter what people say, no matter how many
times others whine about the person's eating habits / possible
weight loss, no matter how many doctors tell them that they're
headed for death, they will only change course if they *want* to do
so. I understand this, and I am aware that if you are suffering from
these thoughts/feelings, then what I have to say might not have any
effect on your thinking or life.. But I am willing to try.. To reach
out, and to share about my own life. Turning around and back toward
Life may have to be a decision of your own, but I want you to know
that I care, and that I am going to do my best to, if nothing else,
leave a little, nagging voice in the back of your mind that
says, "life is worth it over everything else..a happy, healthy life
is calling out to you..grasp ahold of it.. "

Why? - "Sensibility", Not Sense

During the years that my relationship with food has
been "disordered", I have come to see that eating disorders are all
around, so very common.. so common that it is almost ridiculous (yet
that is not the right word to use - and 'common' should not have to
be the word to use, either). This fills me with sadness, makes me
wonder, WHY? Why are so many lives being wasted away, why, why..?

There is no answer to this "why" that would apply to everyone - each
person who develops an eating disorder has their own personal story
of life, their own personal reasons and causes - BUT I also believe
that *all* of us who have felt "those" feelings, can relate to each
other in some way. That is why I want you to know, that I
understand, to some extent I do understand. You are not alone. To
someone who has not "been there", eating disorders don't make any
sense. They didn't make sense to me, either, until I..

Hmm, I take that back. :) Eating disorders have never made sense and
they never will, because they have nothing to do with sense.

Rather, eating disorders have a lot to do with what can be
called "sensibility".. They are not about weight, as strange as it
may sound (Note that *healthy* diets are about weight, ED's are
something completely different. You might have noticed that I didn't
add "You are extremely underweight/ overweight" in the list with
which I began this article - why, because a person at *any* weight
can be hiding the secret of an ed) - eating disorders are about
feelings. Feelings of being in control or of lacking control -
feelings of emptiness or of being full - feelings of having a void
that needs to be filled - feelings of having an emotional stain,
sprain or just one big bundle of hurt that needs to come out -
feelings of dirtiness and feelings of cleanness, purity - feelings
of panic and feelings of calming down - feelings of wanting to
vanish, of wanting to be invisible - feelings of wanting to have
that silent cry heard in a way that would require no words -
feelings of wanting to be free - feelings of wanting to hurt -
feelings of anger, of rage - feelings of self hatred - feelings of
not wanting to grow up, of not wanting to face the world.. so many
feelings, these and millions more. Feelings that matter, feelings
that need to be addressed in ways different from starvation,
bingeing or purging. For the ways of an eating disorder solve
nothing, they don't make life better, they don't create true
happiness. They only hurt and destroy.

You need to go deep inside of you and find your feelings, your
why's.. It is said that an ed is not an illness but a symptom, and I
feel that is true (even though an eating disorder does create
illness, of both the mind and the body). An ed is a reaction to
something, and it doesn't come out of nowhere. Learning the why's is
an important key to recovery and understanding yourself: Dare to
explore your memories, your feelings of the past and present, and
dare to allow yourself to grow.. The reason could be unkind words
said to you, difficult relationships or friendships, it could be a
way of "coping" with pain from the past. Or it may be a yearning to
be accepted, to "fit in", it may be a dream of being "worthy"
or "beautiful". For some, it is an intentional form of self-
destruction. It can be a desperate attempt to hold "everything"
together, to have a concrete (though so very delusional) feeling of
control when the world seems to be falling apart. It may be an
escape from painful feelings, it can be something to fill emptiness
with. It may be a cry to be noticed and cared forÖ Most likely it is
something that has been building up inside of you for a long time,
for many, and maybe seemingly "small", reasons. It may be all of
these and so much more.. . Whatever your reasons are, and whether
you can find them right now or not, they matter.

Without going to find those reasons, an eating disorder takes
the "f" out of life.. making it a lie. If left untreated, an ed
truly becomes an addictive drug and a vicious circle. You may start
out with starving, bingeing or purging as a try to
escape/forget/control the difficulties of life.. but with every day
that passes, the disorder will be consuming you, filling more and
more of your life. The true basis of why it all started will not go
anywhere by drowning it into the ed. The true basis will still be
there, the real issues will still be there, but with the ed creating
more confusion, you won't even realize it. Why? Because weight, in
your eyes, has become the only "real" problem. "If only I were
thinner, everything would be okay, if only I could lose weight, all
my problems would go away." That's how it goes - or is it? No.. That
is a *lie* that the ed is feeding you. The lie makes your conscious
mind forget what is hidden underneath... But even as your conscious
may forget, your heart doesn't, it simply doesn't, and because of
this you cannot fade the hurt out with an eating disorder. Listen to
me, you can't.. The pain will continue and keep building up, until
you take that first step toward *change*.

The Part I Was Not Going to Write But Decided to, After All:
My "Story"

Looking back on my life, I remember always feeling that I was too
much, too big, too loud, too rude, too visible - Always in the way.
At age seven, eight, nine, I remember my biggest wish being that I
could be *in*visible.. I remember walking home from the taxi stop
after school - I was maybe ten or eleven - and I remember with every
step *feeling* how big, clumsy and dirty I was. Another day, after
my yearly appointment with the school nurse, I was walking down that
very same way, the nurse's words echoing in my mind: "You are
normal, very well-proportioned". Normal, normal, normal. Was I
normal? No way? If I was so normal, how come I *felt* so big?

I still am not completely sure why I did.. Now that I look at
pictures of my childhood years, I see a small child who smiled a
lot.. A child who indeed looked "normal". The pictures don't tell
the story of that child hiding on the inside - the one who felt so
very ABnormal and out of place.

Throughout my early teens, I would watch what I ate, sometimes binge
eating and afterwards fasting. Sometimes I gained weight, then lost
it - It never got to be anything noticeable, it was never visible on
the outside, although deep down I detested myself for every "extra"
ounce.

Things got worse when I was nearing sixteen. I lost some important
things in my life, and the hurt (which did seem to be coming from
nowhere, but now I understand that maybe it wasn't so, after all)
from years gone by was building up. The eating disorder, though, did
not hit with full force until I was seventeenÖ For me, it was never
really about being "thin"; rather it always was about being *small*.
About not being in the way, not being "too much" - not being too
much of that rude, good-for-nothing, ungrateful, stupid failure that
I felt I was. "If I can't be smart or beautiful, at least I can be
small, and there is nothing anyone can do about it." It was about
controlling the pieces of my life that I saw as being scattered
around, out of my reach.. It was about trying to succeed at "just
something" instead of succeeding at nothing well enough (for
myself). It was about "perfection" (perfection is something that I
always strived for, having high expectations of myself, when I would
have been much better off giving myself kindness and understanding),
and it was about purity and "innocence". It was about an
immeasurable fear of responsibility, a fear of having to "take
charge" of my life. It was about terror that I would have nothing to
hang on to, no ground to walk on, nothing to keep me safe, nothing
to have under control.. (Control, I think, has always been something
I wished for but never felt I really had.. at times, I have felt
imprisoned within the "system" of people around me) It was about
drowning the loneliness and that lack of control into something
that, I so believed, would take me away from "everything". It was
also about depression and feelings of worthlessness, about withering
into nothingness and simply disappearing.

I could go into detail about all the sick, obsessive rituals and
rules that I set for myself, but I won't - I could explain to you
calorie-wise what I was eating, but I won't - I could tell you how
many kilometres my feet swallowed each day, but I won't..I will tell
you, though, that eventually, I was so miserable and lonely in my
self-centered trap that I wanted nothing as badly as to get out of
it - only to find that I didn't know how.

The less I ate, the more down and low sank my feelings (this is a
physical fact, malnutrition creates depression..). Losing weight
never, ever brought the happiness I had imagined it would, just the
opposite - I was truly trapped in my own game of Russian roulette.
Changing my "outside" had no way of changing what was on the inside.
Rationally thinking, that is an "of course" but for the eating
disordered mind it is not - yes, that feeling of being "fat" is on
the *inside* and won't change with weight loss... An eating disorder
is very much about distorted body image that only worsens with the
ed taking over. I was terrified of gaining even an ounce even when I
needed to gain a lot more, and the "successfulness" of each day was
dictated by that everyday visit to the scale: if the numbers said
less, it was a good day, if they said more, everything was ruined
and I didn't even want to get out of the house. It was always "just
a few more pounds, just in case." I was constantly cold and I had a
nonstop headache which kept me from thinking straight. I had become
forgetful, my mind just couldn't concentrate on things - I used the
word "demented". I had heart palpitations, the pain in my chest and
arrythmias that seemed to like to come especially during the lonely
nights I lay awake in bed, certainly were what I would call scary.
The worst thing of it all, though, was the way that my world
revolved around myself, my "routines", my eating/noneating and my
weight. My mind became a tiny, sterile jail with no doors open to
reveal the world outside: I was too busy counting calories and
worrying about the numbers on the scale to have time or space for
almost anything or anyone else. Heaven, huh?

Somewhere along my quest for "control", I had lost even the last bit
of control I had had over my life.. "Just one more day of this, just
one more pound.. to be safe."

Safe?

In reality, with my deteoriating health and self-destructive
thoughts, I was anything but safe. Having my hair thinned and
getting lanugo fur (that still hasn't gone away) growing all over by
body are small things (even if they don't feel small) next to the
fact that I am lucky to still have a beating heart, though it, too,
has probably weakened. I damaged my body, weakening my organs, not
to mention the killed brain cells.. :P and not only thatÖ I killed
part of my soul too.

(It is going to take a long time to completely regain it - even
though it will never be the same again..)

Recovery: Get a Life

Here I sit wondering.. What to say. What to say to all of you out
there who have felt that hellish trap, to all of you who are feeling
it now..?

(..Silence)

Why wait another day? Life won't wait.. You need to plunge in and
live it.. Withering yourself away won't get you there.. What is
holding you back? (*Any* "reason" that holds you chained to an
eating disorder is *not* a rational reason..)

Why couldn't you turn around and choose life, choose it now?

Because you feel that you're not "sick enough", because you haven't
been "far enough", because you aren't "thin enough"? Because you
feel that you need to go deeper to "really" have a problem? Because
you don't feel that anyone will believe you are hurting if you don't
go "low enough"? (Remember the TAO question I told about in the
start? About satisfying the anorexic mind? I wish I could tell you
and make you believe that there is no way to "satisfy the anorexic
mind", because the anorexic mind will never be satisfied, not even
at death's door. There is no such thing as thin or small enough.. No
such thing. What is sick enough? Does sick enough mean reading each
anorexic autobiography and following through with every "example"?
Is the "best" anorexic the one with the most hospitalizations, or
the one who has lost the biggest percentage of body mass, or the one
who is too weak to walk anymore with those osteoporosis-broken bones
and shrunken muscles? Is the "best" eating disorder practitioner
(what a title:P) the one who throws up most often and throws up each
single bit of every meal, the one whose body grows the most lanugo,
the one who has the strictest rituals for daily exercise? Or is it
the one whose heart stops beating first? What is this sick race of
being "good enough" with an *eating disorder* - how can one be
*good* at something that is nothing but bad? Aren't there more
important things to strive to be good at? I never felt that I
was "good enough".. I never felt that I did it in a "worthy enough"
way. I was never in a hospital bed, I never filled the "medical
criteria" of being a "100% anorexic", my gosh, I never even fasted a
full day - does that mean that my problem did not matter? Does that
mean that I never had anything to worry about? Of course not! Does
that mean I should have gone further, killed a little bit more of
myself just to be "perfect"? No, no, no.. And the same goes for
you.. Your feelings matter, not your weight - not the amount of
times you throw up each day - not the calories you eat - not how
many hours you exercise per day. Don't sacrifice yourself on the
altar of nothingness.. The pain you feel is real, and there is no
scale which will measure it. Please do not forget that an eating
disorder can *kill* at *any* weight, and that is the truth. You
*will* be believed and understood, seek until you find persons who
do.. All you need to do is to reach out, to talk, to share, to ask
for help. *warm hugs*)

Because you feel that you would be worthy no more, because you feel
that you would be lovable no more, because you fear that you
wouldn't would fit in a hug no more? (If this is why.. I cannot say
anything but: That it is nonsense. Nonsense. I listed those things
to a friend of mine, and at first I was hurt by her response which
said I was talking nonsense.. But it is now I realize that she was
right. Like my friend, I won't even bother to argue with those
statements above, because they are nothing but straight out
nonsense. Your worth as a human being has nothing to do with your
weight, and that is that. Your true friends will love you and
recognize you and appreciate you The Way You Are, whether your
weight be two pounds or two hundred. All that matters is that you
*are* youÖ Don't forget that the sicker you are, the less "you" you
become.. When you look in the mirror and see those eyes that stare
ahead, reflecting your starving soul, maybe the image frightens you
because the spark of life is gone, because the eyes are no longer
yours.. Dearest, your friends want *you*, and they want you alive.
The world NEEDS you alive. You matter, yes *you*. The healthier you
are, the more ALIVE you are, and the brighter your soul can shineÖ)

Because you would be "safe" no more? Because you would "lose
control"? Because you would have to face life?..(The sense of
control that comes from an eating disorder is a lie.. a lie, lie,
lie. Oh, the heavenly control of a life where weight and eating are
the center of everything, and nothing else mattersÖ? Control is
lost, not gained.. The only way to get yourself back on the track of
life is to let go of all the rules and rituals and restrictions. As
hard as it is, letting go is the only way.)

Someone said that the worst thing which can be said to someone with
an eating disorder is that they are a "victim of an illness they
cannot do anything about".. There is truth to that.. Getting better
is so essentially about your own will and conviction. And at the
same time you need to know and to remember that the eating disorder
is not, I repeat it is *not* your fault. If someone you know has an
ed.. Please do not place blame on them. Nobody chooses to have an
eating disorder just to "hurt others", or out of selfishness or
uncaring. It won't help to bring in a guilt trip about all the
starving people in Africa - while Africa has a real and existing
problem, so does the person suffering from an ed. Nobody "wastes
food on purpose", nor does it happen out of being "picky". An eating
disorder happens out of hurt, which more feelings of guilt will only
make worse.

Someone asked a question: What are things that can draw one away
from that so delusively safe world of an eating disorder? What is
there to truly Live for? Now, I want you to ask that question of
yourself.. I want you to find those special, priceless things that
matter most in life, the things give reason to fight everything self-
destructive.

Here are reasons that I found.. My personal reasons, things that
matter to me.

*Special people, and animals, and Love. I remind myself that when i
hurt myself (whether it be with self-starvation, a sharp blade, or
angry thoughts), the people who love me feel hurt as well. I can
bring them more joy with my happiness.. I used to (and i still
irrationally sometimes) think that it was other people's wish, too,
that i would be unhappy --- now i know that that's not how it is. I
want to bring happiness, i want to be able to do that. I want to be
able to make someone smile, laugh, feel warm inside.. :")

*Dreams. I remember that i don't want to shorten my life and wither
away my chances and potential. I want to love people (and that
doesn't work when one is too wrapped up in self-hatred), I want to
learn so much about the world, and i certainly don't want to waste
precious, never-to-be-back time for things that i Really don't want
to my life to be filled with.

To be anorexic, to be underweight. What an achievement - applause,
please? Oh my, that admiration.. happiness.. perfection..? The only
big X on the treasure map of life is thinness? Hmm.. Forgive my
irony, but I don't think so. *smiles* Time won't stop to wait for us
to realize that it might be worth it to go out there to search for
validation and content to our lives that matters in other places,
too, than in the mirror and the scale..

What do you want to spend your life doing? What do you want to be
remembered for?

Do you want to spend your life dying or living?

There is no way to have it both ways... There is *no way*
to "practice" an eating disorder and stay healthy at the same time.
You may not believe or want to believe that the health concerns
apply to you - but they do. Whether you like to admit it or not,
every eating disordered day, no matter at what weight, is in fact
making your body weaker - *shortening your life*. An eating disorder
is a dead end: At some point, you will have only two options - to
die or to recover. And sometimes - you never know if this will be
your case.. - the desire to recover may be too late, your body may
simply have suffered too much damage to function anymore. Why walk
toward that *dead end*, why not take the path of Life now? Remember
the thoughts shared beforeÖ They are what have helped me to find
some keys of life again. Remember your beating heart, remember that
it is a gift..

You have but one life we know of..

One life to be with your loved ones.. those special people.. One
life to do what you love.. to make your dreams come true.

Would you rather sit at home, weighing salad leaves or counting the
calories written on yogurt containers, than go out and spend time
with friends or paint or write or play football or sing or dance
or..or "simply" LIVE? Would breaking those "safe" routines, or
walking out the door to meet people despite that horrible feeling of
being "too fat to go outside", be so bad if the reward was to
experience life at its best? It is only you who can decide what
matters most to you.. Only you. {hug}

Happiness is weightlessness of the mind: When one is genuinely
happy, it doesn't matter the least bit if the scale says one kilo or
one hundred; a well-treated body will surely take care of that - A
balance between the body and the mind.

That kind of a balance is beauty.

Happiness is hugging a special person for no visible "reason",
happiness is holding hands just out of caring. Happiness is being
able to laugh and cry freely. Happiness is daring and allowing
oneself to do special things and enjoy them.. Happiness is dreaming
and making effort to live the dreams.. This list of the wonderful
things in life could go on forever:) You know, even moments of
sadness can be beautiful, if we don't hide them inside and lock our
hearts.. There is so much to live for.. There is, oh yes, there is..
So much to learn and so much to see and so much to do.. You cannot
let your life wither away into the hell of an eating disorder..
Please. Come with me, allow yourself to come to life..

Whether or not you believe it right now, I know that that happiness
*is* reachable, not just a faraway dream. I know, because I have
experienced it, even though I didn't believe it possible.. How? Not
alone, but keeping friends at my side. Not by sticking to old
routines, but through change. Searching my mind to find my dreams,
looking inside my heart.

It would be a lie to say that I am over it all, that it is all
behind me. Life is ups and downs.. There are days when I want to go
back "there", but then.. When I trap myself in that world for a
while, I find no happiness, and so I turn back. After a day of
following those "routines", the only feeling inside me is that of
emptiness. An eating disorder is not something that brings
fulfillment or satisfaction, it is something draining, something
that takes away from genuinely living. Real life gives so, so much
more. When I am doing something I really love, or when I am spending
time with people I love and who love me - when I am LIVING - the ed
loses its meaning. When life is filled with life, there is no void
to be filled with more emptiness.. That is why I say to you.. As
many dear friends have said to me, too:

Get a life. :")

It may sound clichÈ, but it is not: love is an unbelievable force..
Support from others is an unbelievable force.. Get help for yourself
when you need it. An ed is not something to be ashamed of - it is a
problem that needs attention. It is not something to carry as your
secret, lead-heavy burden - it is a draining illness that is taking
away from the life you could - and will - have without it. Nobody
can do life alone, and you shouldn't be trying to.. There is
counseling, there are medications that can be part of the help.
Please don't let your life be wasted away anymore. Not even just one
more day, not even just in case.. What is one more pound - or ten or
even a hundred for that matter - put next to the amazing, amazing
treasure called life? (I know I have used that word "life" (with the
f, too:) in this article so very many times over.. but why shouldn't
I, isn't it a special word? :")

(..)

..When my time in this world is over, I don't want my last thought
to be: "I was thin"...

I dream that I will be able to say: "I loved".



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