Hey Jo! The outpatient therapy is fantastic. My therapist
specializes in eating disorders so that's good to be able to tie
that in with other things. However, I feel like the therapy is a total
waste for me. I mean the therapist is great. I really wanted to get
better when I first started going and I really believe that I was
getting better, but I don't really know what's up with me. I want to
stop purging, but I'm so afraid of food now. I haven't really been
eating for the past few days and I'm constantly weighing myself.
It's disgusting really, I have such an unrealistic goal, I actually
want to emaciate my self. I've even got this little journal thing... I
call it "le livre des règles" because I'm crazy lol- anyway I've filled
it up with pictures of people who really can't be more than sixty
lbs at best, and all these things of what to do instead of eating
and crap like that. I don't know what I'm getting myself into,
probably something horrible like i did with the bulimia, but I'm
determined to test myself... Gah, Sorry Jo! I just had to come
bitch and moan to someone... I've been obsessing over this for
the past few weeks, it's driving me crazy but I love it in a sick,
twisted sort of way...


<<Hi Ahley!
Oh my gosh, are you feeling better now you're out of hospital? I
hope it wasn't anything too serious and that you're feeling much
better. The outpatient therapy sounds as though it could be really
helpful, how often are you going to see the psychiatrist? How
was
your first appointment?
That's interesting about the seratonin levels{I'm not sure exactly
what they are!?}, because I've been feeling bad lately and I
started
cutting, which I've never done before. At least now I have
something
to blame it on! I'm feeling slightly anxious about the prospect of
Christmas which is fast approaching, for me, it means lots of
food
is given and is just generally about. It's certainly going to be
difficult.
I hope the antidepressants have a positive effect. Have a
wonderful
Christmas and an amazing New Year, lots of love, Jo xxx>>