Hi ,
        I know I don't post much about my feelingsand what's going on. I try to
help others if I can. That has always made me feel good to know I may have
helped someone,someway.If only I could follow my own advice sometime,I'd be
doing a WHOLE lot better!
   I'm having a major panic attack right now.Cried most of the nite. Looking back
over the last 1 1/2 -2 years have been like a piano dropping on my head.
   My health and the so called "health care providers" have proved once again
,for the most part,that the system SUCKS! 7+ years of my life  I have lost(I'm
36) to my illness' as well as extreme side effects from meds they throw at you.I
think THEY'RE mental!
   I lost I would say all my friends when I first had my breakdown.The same
"friends" I was always there for.Splitsville. In the last 2 years,I have lost 3
people who I considered family,since my only living (and great)family is my mom
and Chloe(my new dog..........another story about furbabies,if you care to hear
about it)
   2 passed from strokes and 1 from brain cancer.
   Then Last Nov 13th,I lost my furbabyGinger (Shih-Tzu) She was about 15 when
she passed we had her right before I got sick about 7-8 yrs ago.She was an
incredible friend,comfort & a true Angel.I am still so mourning that.Chloe is
new here..again,more later.And this last year my b-friend dumped me like
yesterday's trash and went back to his lieing ,cheating ex AHHHHHHHHHHH!
         I miss Ginger so very much.I miss having any thing that may seem like a
life .
   I'm so f**king lost and scared.I keep asking myself,"What Now?" .Is it time ?I
want a drink so incredibly bad.But I know I'll slip even further than I am now.
   It helps so much to be able to come here and vent. Thank you all.
          I'll write more later. Hope each and everyone of you have a wonderful
2006.Nobody deserves it more.Thanks for listening.
              Talk to you soon,
                     Nikki
     ~* Please Take a Moment and Visit Ginger's Rainbow Residency*~
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/GINGE100/Resident.htm





~* "All that's left of me is what I pretend to be.So together but so broken up
inside" *~



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Mnemonic,
         I hope and pray that you give yourself time to think about this. I know
ALL too well about being MAJORLY screwed over by someone.I have been homebound
by illness' for over 7 years.
    I somehow "met" my future boyfriend-a Marine (lived @7 hrs away from me)we
met on the phone when I phoned a friend who he was divorcing.We became great
friends and eventually he visited after about 3 mths.  We talked about
everything from typical stuff ie: place we wanted to visit,likes,dislikes,etc to
eventually discussing a future with each other. Ya know, what we would  do when
he retires at 39, whre we wanted to live,children or not,blah,blah,blah.
   Then after 1 1/2 years,he was going thru a tough time and pushed me away.Then
I phoned one day and his ex,my ex friend (who llies and cheats)answers!!!!
   That was the crushing blow.Sorry,again that I'm babbling here.
   I read a qoute that made me think "Never Cry Over Someone Who wouldn't Cry
Over You"
   If you need to talk we're here.You're welcome to e-mail me privately or im
me.Please post again.I'd like to hear from you.
            Nikki

Mnemonic <mnemonic@...> wrote:
   Hello,
Tried to write a mail here earlier but didn't come through.

Well, I will probably do it. Commiting suicide that is.

Long story. I am a handsome, successful man and nobody even understand nearly
why I don't want to live. Having with a disaster private life for the past 4
years. By the way, it took me years to trust and relate to a wonderful female -
online - for... hm.. 2 1/2 years. Only to find out recently that she is very
much married. What else is there to confirm and remind me of that females are
not attracted to me, but just want to use me if they can?

That is my reality. She is just another one even though she have confirmed for
years and years how much she loves me. Yeah, right.

I will do it, and not making any affair of dying. There are just some details I
have issues with. Method is one thing. I am taking responsability for my
relatives when it comes to sorting up my stuff at home and also being able to
find a decent body too. Don't want to create a mess, just leaving this life
peacefully.

Need respectful suggestions because this is my choice.

Mnemonic

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Joy,
         First I want to welcome you to our sanctuary.Everyone here is
nonjudgemental ,kind & here to help each other in the pain and  heart breaking
thoughts,etc.So, vent anytime.
   Second,you are no loser.None of us are. You have taken a step to reach out to
find others like you to help you with support and not lectures.
   I'm very sorry to hear of your husband's passing. I cannot imagine the awful
grief you're feeling.How long ago did he pass? How long were you married? Just
let me know if I get nosy.
          As far as suicide being a sin, IMHO, I do not believe that way.We all
have our own thoughts on the subject. I believe that it may take you a bit
longer getting to wherever you think you'll go,I believe in Heaven. God and you
,God and I ,I believe "lay out" a kind of map of what it is we're suppose to
learn and who to be when we're in the physical body again. Suicide could be a
possible decision you and your Higher Power created.
   Don't get me wrong,the only thing that's kept me from small attempts was that
I didn't want to hurt my mother.My only family (and a furbaby-Shih-Tzu named
Chloe........we just adopted.)
   I have suffered now for over 7 years of agoraphobia,depression,panic
attacks,etc.So,I am homebound about 97% of the time.
   Sorry to babble.I tend to do that sometimes.
   We are all here for you.All you need to do is post.
               Hope to hear from you soon,
                   Nikki

mitchell1166 <mitchell1166@...> wrote:
   Hi, I have battled depression for over 20 years and lately i just want
to lay down and die....no pills,cutting,booze, just die. the only 2
reasons i havent is my parents and my belief that suiceide is the 1
unforgiven sin. and i want to join my son and husband in heaven. i
know there is a heaven but also know life here is a close imitation of
hell. sorry for dumping...i am such a loser..
                                         wanting to die, Joy





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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I can't support your decision to do this.  You have not convinced me that you
have explored all your options.  Have you seen a psychiatrist?  A therapist?
Tried medications for depression?  Explored with a therapist your
difficulties in relationships and where they stem from?  I have been struggling
for most
of my life.  My parents took me to my first psychiatrist at age six.  I kept
running away from school.  Yes, I had problems and they continued to get worse.
  Because no one found out I was being sexually abused by my uncle.  This
abuse has ruined my life.  I have never had a normal relationship.  I never had
children.  I did well in school and got a master's degree but was unable to work
with regularity due to frequent hospitalizations.  But by golly I am still
struggling and for some strange reason most of the time want to live.  I have
had and have right now a great therapist.  I have stabilized on some great meds.
  I am functioning okay.  It can happen.  You have a lot going for you.
Please don't give up without some kind of fight.  There are weapons out there
you
just have to pick them up.  Ask for help.  Let us be your support to fight not
give up.
Kristin


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I agree with you, life is hell.  Most of the time.  The happiness we find is
rare and fleeting and not often.  But I think you have hit upon a secret.  I
truly believe that the very fact that life is such a struggle and is so painful
is a reason to keep on.  I believe we are learning something from all this.
I believe we are becoming enlightened.  So we must suffer through and learn
all we can about ourselves and others and our world.  I think this group here is
a testament to how it all works.  People here are the most compassionate
people I have ever had the pleasure to be associated with.  No judgments.  They
have learned so much form their pain.  And are helping others.  There can be
nothing greater.  Keep posting.  You are not alone.  We are here.  Your fellow
strugglers.
Kris


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

You really need to think about this. A lot of people will suffer if
you end your life. I know there's nothing worse then a broken heart.
It's not easy to go on. But you cant let it win. You really need to
talk with someone. Please seek professional help ASAP. We're all here
for you.

Please don't do this.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't do this.  You need to live. 
You got burnt, but don't let that stop you.  You deserve to live.  You can get
hurt, but you'll still win if you just stay alive.
   My only advice on method is to go to a hospital right away.  Get some therapy
and go on a 48 hour hold.  Then ask about meds.  Obviously you need something.
Just please don't do anything yet.
   please email me, born_2_b_psycho@...
   don't hurt yourself please.
   Megz

Mnemonic <mnemonic@...> wrote:
   Hello,
Tried to write a mail here earlier but didn't come through.

Well, I will probably do it. Commiting suicide that is.

Long story. I am a handsome, successful man and nobody even understand nearly
why I don't want to live. Having with a disaster private life for the past 4
years. By the way, it took me years to trust and relate to a wonderful female -
online - for... hm.. 2 1/2 years. Only to find out recently that she is very
much married. What else is there to confirm and remind me of that females are
not attracted to me, but just want to use me if they can?

That is my reality. She is just another one even though she have confirmed for
years and years how much she loves me. Yeah, right.

I will do it, and not making any affair of dying. There are just some details I
have issues with. Method is one thing. I am taking responsability for my
relatives when it comes to sorting up my stuff at home and also being able to
find a decent body too. Don't want to create a mess, just leaving this life
peacefully.

Need respectful suggestions because this is my choice.

Mnemonic

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hello,
Tried to write a mail here earlier but didn't come through.

Well, I will probably do it. Commiting suicide that is.

Long story. I am a handsome, successful man and nobody even understand nearly
why I don't want to live. Having with a disaster private life for the past 4
years. By the way, it took me years to trust and relate to a wonderful female -
online - for... hm.. 2 1/2 years. Only to find out recently that she is very
much married. What else is there to confirm and remind me of that females are
not attracted to me, but just want to use me if they can?

That is my reality. She is just another one even though she have confirmed for
years and years how much she loves me. Yeah, right.

I will do it, and not making any affair of dying. There are just some details I
have issues with. Method is one thing. I am taking responsability for my
relatives when it comes to sorting up my stuff at home and also being able to
find a decent body too. Don't want to create a mess, just leaving this life
peacefully.

Need respectful suggestions because this is my choice.

Mnemonic

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're not a loser. Being
depressed does not make a person a loser. we're all here for you. Feel
free to talk to anyone.There are some great people here willing to
listen. They have been a great help to me.

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or

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We hope you enjoy your eCard.  If you have any comments or questions, please
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Thanks for using Yahoo! Greetings with AmericanGreetings.com.

Hi, I have battled depression for over 20 years and lately i just want
to lay down and die....no pills,cutting,booze, just die. the only 2
reasons i havent is my parents and my belief that suiceide is the 1
unforgiven sin. and i want to join my son and husband in heaven. i
know there is a heaven but also know life here is a close imitation of
hell. sorry for dumping...i am such a loser..
                                         wanting to die, Joy

I so desperately just want to go to sleep adn not wake up. I dont
want to take action (carbon monoxide, etc) to end my life.....I just
hope that every night is my last and that I just wont wake up the
next day.

I'm fighting the darkness with everybit of strength that I have. It's
intersting the song that is playing right now int he radio "lead me
not into temptation".

I'm sorry for all these posts i've been making at night. I sit here
alone and cry and cut and take pills and drink and everything that I
KNOW I dont need to be doing and dont truly understand why im doing
them.

If there was a decent hospital to go to around here, I'd be there now
but the one here the state funded hospital is really REALLY bad and
is no help whatsoever, I've already been that route and their version
of therapy is coloring with crayons and staring at the walls. They
didnt have any help for me there and they certainly cant help me with
the problems leading to my severe depression.

So I sit here and try to fihgt off the demons myself, which is really
hard to do :-(

Anybody that is not busy and doesnt mind chatting, please come talk
to me awhile and help me get my mind off of my dark side cause the
sweet, loving, mother that has some hope is hiding in there somewhere
and that person doesnt want to die.

Staci

Hi all! I was thinking (I do that sometimes!) With Christmas  over and New
Year's looming,I have a question for everyone.
   Can you share with us 3-5 things in / about your life, your own spiritual body
or someone/something that you are happy with? Maybe think of when you're down
and dark, or keeps you from taking that BIG step that we're all here for?
           I'll start:
    1: Thankful for my mom who has shown me and taught me about unconditional
love.Has supported me all my 30+ yrs,especially since I've been sick.
   2:Thakful for not being locked up somewher (knock wood)
   3:I'm VERY thankful that somehow through all the times I wanted to leave this
world,being so incredibly insecure and sad,that I'm still here.Somehow.
   4:I am thankful to have found this post site, the "friends" I've made & not
being judged or not being lectured to.
         Nikki



~* "All that's left of me is what I pretend to be.So together but so broken up
inside" *~



---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi all,

I want to wish everyone here a happy and healthy New Year.  May 2006
bring us the peace, joy and love we all seek.


Peace,
Gary . . .

OMG I cant believe i actually typed that, i guess i dont need to be
TUI (typing under influence) lol I think I need to start shutting
down my computer at night once i start drinking.

I'm better today, obviously i woke up this morning (afternoon) I have
a bad hangover. I did the same thingI did a couple of nights ago, I
drank 3 glasses of vodka, mixed witha double shot of nyquil and a
handful of mixed sedatives. I dont know why I do these things :-(

Staci


--- In suicide4@yahoogroups.com, "Staci" <stacileigh05@y...> wrote:
>
> think ive sat here nad got drukn eenogh
>
> mahbd i'll see ya tomorrow. in eed loghs f thoughs.
>
> Love you all
> staci
>

Megan,

I know right now you don't see any reason to hang on
and life sucks big time for you, but take life minute
by minute.  Don't let the pain win beause you will
never know the beautiful things that may've come into
your life.

I know that once you're gone you won't miss anything.
Whatever you belive about an afterlife, you will find
out if it is so or not.

But while you're still here, you can make life better
for yourself.  I know hope is never easy to find and
faith may not come easy, but it is out there.  We all
go through our own private Hell because we're alive.
For some people medication helps smooth life out until
they can get a handle on things.  Some find therapy
helps. Other people find a more spiritual path through
a divine force that they have faith in.

Try different things to find peace.  If nothing else,
you've lived another day while trying to find healing.

I can't tell you what to do, Meg, but if it helps, I
care about you because you are a fellow human being,
unique, precious and beautiful with unlimited
potential to become whatever you want.

Let life suck for now.  Keep breathing.  Stay with us.
  The void you will leave behind will affect people you
don't realize will be affected.

Sometimes, even when you don't believe in yourself,
knowing that others do, helps.

I'm here for you, wishing you peace.


Gary . . .
Worldwhispers@...




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Next door to me lives these hurricane Katrina refugees, and I live in
a quite, nice neighboorhood , or it was till they moved in, anyways
the mother is a crack head (obviously) and the dad a dealer and a damn
bloods gang member. omfg, im freaking out ive never lived next to
trash like this b4, anyways last night about 11pm we get a knock at
our door and its the cops, this stupid b--ch has left her 7 month old
baby at home by its self, and supposedly the baby knocks the phone off
the hook and hit buttons and end up calling 911, so hell after the
cops knock on our door, im getting into the moment very curious lol.,
there are 7 police cars in our drive, adn about 11 cops, and those
many cops around will make anyone nervous, good thing i had no
maryjane in my home lol, anyways the cops are "go back in mam, you
dont want these peole to know you were involved, they may retaliate",
wtf, so they arrest them, and im sure she will make bond, as probably
will he, man this has stressed me out so much, I hate thugs,
especially living next door to them, these people have gotta go.

please dont hurt yourself please...fight strong keep ur head up  high...you
can fight this...i know you can

e-mail me at _cheekyann@..._ (mailto:cheekyann@...)

take care
Ann


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hey Staci, I'm sorry I wont be on here today. I hope you feel a little
better today. Dont give up. Talk to you tomorrow

Megan, please hang in there for me. You cant let the depression win.
I'll be back on here tomorrow. We'll talk. Please try, we all care.

Hey group....
Just kinda sucking at life right now.   Goodbye cruel world, and
forgive me father for i have sinned....................

think ive sat here nad got drukn eenogh

mahbd i'll see ya tomorrow. in eed loghs f thoughs.

Love you all
staci

How are you holding up? I got your email but accidentally deleted it
when i was deleting my other emails.

Im not holding up well im cutting and taking pills and drinking.

I hope your night is going better than mine.

Staci (the night falls fast-when the darkness arrives the evil comes
out to play)

I will not support your plan.  I will support your not doing it for one more
night.  And waking up alive for one more day.  I will support you any way you
might need.  Just name it.  But I will not agree or support the ending of your
young life.  I am an old lady and I know that life can be painful but I also
know that occasionally life can hand you precious wonderful irreplaceable
moments.  You don't want to miss those.
Kris


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Staci,
         I just wanted to second what Kris said. Couldn't have put it better.
Need help? Reach out. We're here.
              Nikki

krislvstrav@... wrote:
   Staci please don't use that word loser to describe yourself.  You have
legitimate real problems.  They are not your fault.  No more than if you were
diabetic or had MS.  If you get nothing at all through your head get that.  You
have
enough to deal with without beating yourself up because of what your
struggling with.  I know because I've done it too.  And I know better.  Give
yourself
that break okay?  I know you don't think the rest of us are losers do you?
Only yourself.  Well you are no different from us sweetie.  We are all just
doing the best that we can day to day.  The great thing about this group of
people
is that we understand.  All the weird stuff we do to make it through the days
and nights of our illnesses...we understand.  It may not make sense to others
but we here in this group just nod and say uh huh.  I know that feeling.  I
have been there.  I have done that.  Take care sweetie.  Remember.  You are NOT
a loser.  Every day you are still living you are winning.
Kris




~* "All that's left of me is what I pretend to be.So together but so broken up
inside" *~



---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Dawn,I'm glad it helped. If you continue to search through about.com in the
Mental Health section or look up PTSD (I have that too) you'll find some great
info,as well as the mental health issues. Let me know how it goes!
              Nikki


dawnp <dpleim@...> wrote:
   Nikki - I know this wasn't directed to me but I wanted to thank you for the
info on this site. Leads to a lot of great info. I'm still trying to figure out
how to deal with the si and complex PTSD. Thanks for the info.
dawn

Nikster <moonstruck_ru@...> wrote:       Hi Ann,
        You're post is heartbreaking and also understood. Been there,done that.A
long time ago. I'm not sure how long you've been a member but I, as well as the
other members are and will be here for you.Completely non-judgemental.It's a
great beginning to at least talk about your feelings about hurting yourself.
           I hope and pray that you (and anyone w/these thoughts)  don't hurt
yourself any longer. Go day by day,hour by hour or even minute by minute if
needed to triumph over cutting yourself. Try to feel like every minute you don't
cut is an AWESOME thing.I don't think and I think you know that even if you do
cut,the pain is still there.
    You never know when the last time could be the last time.I hope that makes
sense.
           Your boyfriend sounds like an ASS! I am very familiar with finding out
someone that you loved and you thought loved you turns on a dime and is gone.
    NOONE is worth crying over that wouldn't cry over you. Easier said than
done,I know.
    Hold on to your strength,hold onto your friends here,most of all,hold onto
yourself. YOU MATTER! YOU WILL WIN THIS WAR!
          I found some info for you to check out if you like that may help:

      Suicide and Self-Injury
     http://depression.about.com/od/selfinjury/index.htm

              Please hold on. Let us know how things are going today. My prayers
are with you.
               Nikki











~* "All that's left of me is what I pretend to be.So together but so broken up
inside" *~



---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Dawn,
         What an awful,confusing life you must have. Do you take all your meds
that you've been put on? And do they help?Are you seeing someone that
specializes in MPD?
   If this is none of my business,tell me. But how many personalities do you have
or think you have?
         I'm here for you as well ,I'm sure we all are and we'll help you in any
way you need.Just ask.
           My prayers are with you,
                     Nikki

Dawn Seiver <iluvjubilee@...> wrote:
   Sorry, I have MPD or otherwise known as multiple personality disorder, that
was obviously one of them, but thanks for responding so fast. It must have
helped her/him. Whomever it was just signed my ignituals. But I am on allot of
meds and if any of my personalities ever writes that resond ASAP because they
are not joking they have done it to me before. I have hed my share of endoscopys
and stomach pumpings. So thanks.
   Dawn C Seiver (for Know)

dawnp <dpleim@...> wrote:
   DCS - What caused you to crash? Stay away from those pills!! I'm here if you
want to talk.
dawn

iluvjubilee <iluvjubilee@...> wrote:     I was out all day and know Im
drowning. I was on a hi all day and I
seem to be falling fast. I have helped so many of you out . I s their
anyone out thier now that can talk a little sence into me rite now so I
dont hurt myself. I have nothing to turn to but 20 bottle of
prescription pills.
HELP.
DCS









~* "All that's left of me is what I pretend to be.So together but so broken up
inside" *~



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Try to hang in there.Just FYI Xanax doesnt work. It takes 1,600 0.25mg
Xanax to be lethal. I saw that on a chart one time when I was going to
OD. I dont know anything about thorazine or the other medicines....


But most likely you will just wake up in the morning or afternoon
feeling like shit.

And be careful with xanax because it will make you black out....you
wont remember a thing afterwards.  I know of a woman who took an OD of
xanax and wrecked her car adn doesnt remember any of it and she ended
up in jail.

Just food for thought.

I'm in the same situation...I have bottles of pills calling my name
too...but I've been there and done that so many times and all I ever
got was an involuntary hospital admission in the psych ward and you
dont want that.

((HUGS))
Staci

--- In suicide4@yahoogroups.com, "iluvjubilee" <iluvjubilee@y...>
wrote:
>
>  I allready have aplan for tonight with all my xanax that would be
> atleast 200mg and three bottles of thorazine I dont know how much
that
> woukld be and of course al my 15 other vials of medications. alss I
> really want is words of support to get me through the night if
anyone
> has any. please.
> ?????
>

Dawn,

Please keep the pills out of reach.  Though you may
feel no one cares there are a lot of people right here
who care a lot.  You've opened your heart to people
who need support, offering them a hand to hold and a
shoulder to cry on to make it through.  By doing so
you've made yourself important to them.

I know life is difficult and even taking it minute by
minute can be really painful.  But we do care about
you and you are important to us.

I'm here to offer my hand to you.  Though I may not
understand everything you're feeling and going
through, I will listen and offer you my support as
best as I can.  If you want to e-mail me off-board,
I'm at worldwhispers@....

Please don't let the pain win.  Each of us has become
an integral part of this community's life.  We gain
strength from each other's support and sharing our
hearts brings us closer.  We are here to help each
other move away from the pain and get through each day
and night.

I know it can be hard to stay alive just becaues other
people want you to, but I've heard enough stories of
that people leaving this life have left behind.  It's
devastating.

You are an important person.  You matter.  You are
unique in this world and though you may not know it,
you make a difference in people's lives.

Stick around, Dawn.  We're here for you.


Peace,
Gary . . .





__________________________________
Yahoo! for Good - Make a difference this year.
http://brand.yahoo.com/cybergivingweek2005/

You can get through this, stay around people if you can...if you  need to go
to a&e...please dont do anything to harm yourself...i am here if  you want to
talk.

There are people who care about you, we all care about  you.

I know some of how you feel..stay with us.

take care
Ann


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