Someone was able to IM me and keep me company for awhile... then I was able to
crawl into the house and to bed. I guess thats all I needed was to talk last
night to keep me busy.

But walking up with the same feelings, same situation, same mental illness...
feelings havent changed. I am trying to prepare my significant other of what
might happen and to try to be prepared for it. I have felt like I've wanted to
die since I was 5 years old... this feeling is not going to go away - sometimes
it just disappears for a few hours. Then finally putting a name to my mood
swings, anger, rash decisions, spending sprees, having sex all the time - just
added. I figured yay! I am bipolar and this can all get fixed. Med after med
after med... I was in a group a few years ago who said it took them 10 years to
get stable... and even then he has issues. Even with all of these meds, my
feeling of death has never left - infact it has increased because now I know
that it is not part of my illness - its just me. Its just how i am built. And
its such a taboo thing to talk about here in the US, so I've only told several
people in my life. Lately I have been talking to my parents and my extended
family.

I got into a fight with my mom about something the other day and she actually
said to me, "I WOULD STAND UP THERE AND SAY THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. SHE
DID THIS BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO AND THAT IT. SHE MADE UP HER OWN MIND A SELFISH
MIND." I asked her if she would really say that and she said absolutely. I
asked, even infront of a priest... yup she said. Unfortunately there is a long
history of my parents that would take a book to write. They have definiately
helped this feeling inside me grow.

I truely dont believe going to therapists, hospitals or doctors are going to
help me anymore. I've lived many places with many people - the feeling has
always been there. For some reason I was born with an uncurable mental illness
and a demon inside me that I have been trying to hide for many years. They
physical, mental torture is overwhelming and I know will continue to be so... I
do not know how to handle it. Other than to end it. I cannot work... I have
nothing to even keep my mind busy. I have prayed for years because I grew up
Catholic - hasnt changed anything. So I stopped praying a long time ago. I just
want to be a different person but that isnt going to happen, so whats the
alturnative? To make it go away...

- Chloe