Joe,
 
If "God, The Divine" has "plans" for you, the Divine will not take your life;
it's too precious to God as everyone's life is. 
 
I can only speak in terms of the place I come from; your results may vary.
 
My suicidal thoughts came from the way I thought about myself, which wasn't very
good.  I've lived with those thoughts for many years, wishing for a heart attack
or something to end my life.  I just wanted out.  Nothing was going to help me,
I felt nothing good; no intimacy, no happiness, only sadness, depression, and
self-loathing.
 
As much as I kept hearing God doesn't make junk, I disagreed and said I let God
down; I failed God.
 
Then, somehow, I found a book, then another one, and then a third, and each one
spoke to me about the exact things I was thinking, explained to me why I thought
the way I did until finally I saw the wickedness in my thinking as the wounded
self that it was.  I saw how that false self screamed at me because it didn't
want to be stuck with me.
 
Slowly, I realized how my thinking was off.  The things I'd been thinking for
20+ years were simply not true and were the thoughts of a frail, scared self
that needed to survive and thus began coming up with all those negative thoughts
to keep me stuck.
 
Healing comes slow.  Slower when I'm not open to seeing new ways to perceive
myself.
 
I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or resonates with you in any way.
 
One thing I will suggest, based on your statement that you don't mind giving
gifts, is perhaps to find a place to volunteer, to get out of your way for a
little while and help others.
 
I hope this note doesn't come too late and you're still with us.  It's very
difficult for me to understand how precious I am, and much easier for me to tell
you that you are important. but the truth is we're all important to someone. 
You can't know how you touch people's lives just by being there.  Your story may
affect the lives of other people.  None of us can really know why we're here or
why we're alive or why God doesn't answer our "take me" requests, but while
we're here, we are valuable and the Divine has plans for us.
 
I hope this helps and I hope you stay around and keep talking.
 
 
Namaste,
Gary . . .














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