Thank you for not trying to talk me out of it, but to show me that you
understand the direction I am headed. I can handle the pain for the
most part. It's more an emotional void I have inside me. I hate the
way I look. I hate my body, my face, everything that is me. I feel
like this shell, I call my body, is not the real me. I look in the
mirror, I see a familiar person, but it's not the image I have of
myself. What my mind knows is me, is not what I see reflected in the
mirror. I would like to vacate this body.
My emotional health is suffering from bitter loneliness.
I am at peace with the thought of death. I know it's the place I most
want to be. It's the only comforting thought I have. It's more a
reward for me than a final act. It's a goal. It's my place. I have
thought long and hard about death and taking my life. I've been
suffering from depression since I was a teenager, so about 27 years.
I'm not the rash person I was back then. Even then it took something
big for me to attempt to end my life.
Most people won't understand and can't understand that death is
nothing to fear. Very few people understand that I truly want to be
dead. It will be something that will end my physical, emotional, and
psychological pain and anguish.
Life holds nothing for me. There is nothing but a bleak future ahead.
The world is becoming something so unfamiliar to me. So harsh and
cold, where nobody cares about others. There is no common courtesy
left. It's become very alien to how I was brought up. I no longer
fit in a society such as this one.
My time is near. I have thought about how to say my final good-byes
to my family and friends. I will talk to them about my time to go. I
have made this decision a while ago and it's a very rational decision
to make.
I only wish to help my loved ones to understand this is where I most
want to be. I want them to remember me with some kind of fondness. I
want to hug each and every one of them and tell them goodbye properly.
I don't hug anyone normally. They'll know it's my goodbye, as it's
completely out of character for me.
Hope your stuff works out for you.
Joe