Joe,

I have been where you are and it is not the best mental state to be in
when making this type of a decision, especially if you should fail!

I have counseled 2 people in the past two years in regard to the issue
of suicide. One was in so much pain that it was totally unbearable and
every month her doctor put her through hell just to get the
medication. She had numerous health problems that included
pancreatitis, spondilosa, and other pain that, when combined were pure
hell for her. We chatted and talked as much as 4-6 hours each day for
well over 8 months. Finally, she made the decision that it was "time."
It was not a rash decision and it took about two weeks to get
everything in order before she ended her life through the help of the
"Hemlock Society." She wentthe helium route that is both painless as
well as quick. The other, decided that, with all of her pain, which
included pancreatitis, spinal pain at the tailbone, and and a few
other debilitating pains and illnesses. She felt that she had lived a
good life, had experienced so much, and that just spending her time
doing "nothing" and in way too much pain was hell enough for her. Just
a month ago, she committed suicide in her own bathtub after 2 other tries.

What I appreciated most was that these two people decided upon
self-deliverance without all of the emotion, fear, terror and
irrational thoughts that others go through. Each made her decision
rationally, without self-hate, without hating the world and such. They
just decided that "it was time."

This is the place toward which you should strive. Each one of these
two women did not end their lives with sheer violence or through not
taking care of themselves. They did it with a peaceful mind and an
understanding that is very hard to achieve much less implement.

Note that I am not against suicide as a means toward ending pain that
will continue until the end-of-life of a person. You may want to think
about going into a program of "Cognitive Behavioral Modification" so
that you can learn how to deal with, as well as how to control, your
own pain. This has been proven to work rather well. Right now, I am
reaching the "sunset" term of my own pain medication and will strive
to work on this program myself. It can't "hurt" to try this out and to
see if it can actually do something positive for me as I must be
positive for myself first in order to do it or to end my own life. To
hate one's self in order to achieve the final act of self-deliverance
is against all fundamental beliefs about human beings in almost all
cultures. Even the Japanese "hara kiri" relies on rationality.
Bhuddist monks must achieve a state of "not-I" in order to commit self
immolation. Hindi practices also reserve this act to be committed in a
state of "selflessness." Only the West is so adamantly against this
act. I find that Western beliefs about life and end-of-life issues are
rather primitive as well as unenlightened. So, to "do this right," you
must enlighten yourself so that you can "do it" with "right" mind and
"right" thought within yourself and within the sounds of the speres of
the universe, in harmony. I hope that you get my idea here.

Think about it, Joe.

Anyse