I know everyone considers taking one's life as a selfish act. Your
sister had children and a grandchild on the way. It is something she
had thought about when she took her life, believe me. When things get
so overwhelmingly bad that death seems to be the only answer, a lot of
thoughts go through your head. Mostly, however, we believe that
everyone would be better off without us. It may not be true, but we
convince ourselves into believing it. We hate ourselves, our looks,
our jobs, our lives, everything. We isolate ourselves from the world,
our family, and our friends. We suffer in silence.
I would like to say something on behalf of those who have taken their
lives and wish to. Is it not selfish for our loved ones to want us to
live through our most worse pain? Is it not selfish to hang onto
something and not let it go? You don't understand what a suicidally
depressed person goes through to get to the point of taking their own
lives. It's not decision instantly made. "Oh, I think I'll commit
suicide today." No, it takes months or years to come to the point
where taking your own life is all that seems left. You feel alone, so
bitterly alone, even with friends and family around. You hate
yourself so much that you want others to hate you just as much. You
push people away and get angry at them easily. You want them to hate
you so that they wish you were dead also. You close yourself away
from the world, you don't go outside and avoid socializing. You don't
pick up the phone, because you don't want anyone talking to you.
Everything irritates you. You can see no end to some things and
futility in doing others. You don't want help from anyone, except
maybe to end your life. All you wish is that everyone around you will
understand that you are going to be better off dead. No more pain and
suffering. It's more than physical pain, the emotional, and
psychological pain is immeasurably worse. You feel closed in, as if
you were at the bottom of a deep, dark well. So deep that there is no
light at the top and the walls are unclimbable. Not that you have
enough strength to attempt a climb even if there were stairs.
Some of us know there is peace in death. Our souls are tortured
throughout our lives and the earlier we can end the suffering the better.
I have nobody in my life. Yes I have brothers and sisters and a
mother. I have a few friends, which I rarely see. I spend all my
time in my room if I'm not a work. I don't have someone significant
in my life. Nobody there to make life worth tolerating. My heart
feels empty, my whole body feels empty. The longer I live, the worse
it gets. I am not worth anything to anyone. I have no self esteem
and no self worth. I see only ugliness in the mirror. A worthless
failure.
That's how I feel and how most of us do too. Maybe it'll give you a
little insight what your sister went through.