Hi Gary,
It hurts me so much to hear you are hurting so terribly. You are such a
wonderful person,an incredible spirit & my friend.
If I could wave a magic wand I would to help you & all of us here that are
hurting.
I understand what u mean when you say you're not feeling anything. You
wonder if actual emotional or physical pain would be any "better" for lack of a
better word.
I know that saying to you that you ARE an incredible soul and that you mean
more to the people around you ,that love you,including us,here in the group than
you'll ever know may not wrap you in warmth,safety and peace right now.Maybe you
can just take from that now what u will.I hope that makes sense.
I am here for you,Gary.
Nikki


Gary Frank <worldwhispers@...> wrote:
I woke the other day and realized I'm not feeling
anything. Some might consider that a blessing. But I
think I lost myself and I'm just going through motions
to act the part of a member of the human race.

I don't want this.

There's a voice in my head that never leaves that
tells me I'm no good and keeps hoping for a heart
attack or cancer to end this life.

This voice wants me to be hurtful to my wife and my
friends. Maybe its scared, afraid of life. But it's
here in my head with me like another soul, wicked and
mean, trying to use me to hurt others.

There are days that life is fine, that I really have
no reason to complain about anything. And yet I do
not want to go on.

I do not want the responsibilities of an adult. I
hate who I am and I see no way to help myself.

I know I'm really good at offering words of kindness
to others, spiritual wisdom that comes from my heart.
But I cannot for the life of me help myself, nor do I
believe all those things I say. I mean, I believe
them enough to say them to others because others
deserve that happiness. But me? No way. Those words
mean nothing to me because I am beyond the salvation
they offer.

I won't kill myself because I'm married and the life
insurance won't pay for suicides, only accidental
death and I'm too stupid to figure out how to
accidently die.

But the pain won't stop and some days I wish I could
just end it. There are times when it seems like
torture to go on one more day.

Thanks for listening.


Gary . . .




~* "All that's left of me is what I pretend to be.So together but so broken up
inside" *~
~* Please Take a Moment and Visit Ginger's Rainbow Residency*~
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/GINGE100/Resident.htm






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