Dear Timothy and Linda: I guess that I'm not the only one that feels
as I do. I do think that writing about it and dialoging with others
helps. Presently, I'm determined not to give in to my suicidal
feelings. I know that my thoughts are distorted when I'm depressed.
After all the years of therapy, meds, etc, I think I have learned
something of value.

I just want to be someone else. Someone upbeat and optimistic.
Someone who's successful in life, who can feel like they've really
contributed to others in some meaningful way.

As for the question, why do I think I do this to myself . . . that's
complicated. I was emotionally abused as a child. I can't change
the fact that it has had a negative impact on my life and self
image. Now that I'm aware of it, I've tried to let it go... tried to
forgive and put it behind me, tried to feel the feelings and then
release the pain of it all. Some part of me clings to depression
because it has defined so much of my life and has become so much a
part of my identity. I'm afraid that as much as I want to be
different and free of all the mental health issues, there is a bigger
part of me that holds on to the pain because it's familar and at
least I know how to live with it and in it.

Lately, everything I do to try and get out of this downward spiral
fails. I'm losing the desire and the energy to keep trying. We
recently discovered that our 4-year old has Asperger's
syndrome. . .it's on the autism spectrum. I love him to pieces but
he is a strange little boy and will most likely be a strange adult.
Being with him is hard because he is so hard to direct and to gain
his cooperation. Everything is a battle.

I just want something to be easy. . . and I think that for me right
now being depressed is easy. Everything else is so hard.

La Pauvresse