I just got my    Ipod and it's sick. Putting    all      my music on it now than
im going to go for a short jogg. Cant believe it didn't cost me a thing thanks
to these guys http://www.podsarehere.com/inshke

Basically unlike regular banks these guys are totally independent and you       
enter in your details and they find out the absolute best deal for you. You
can even enquire about re-doing your current deal through these guys, or simply
getting your first ever house. So honestly, if you're into property check them
out, working awesome for me! http://www.foreverrecover.info/pssy

March 18, 2006

What has it meant for me, this recovery journey?

Seven and a half years ago, when I was consuming four liters of wine a night,
still working, still keeping my obligations -- the quintessential "functional
alcoholic" I was truly miserable. Not a bad person, mind you, still very
compassionate and kind when it came to other people and their problems, but
quite oblivious to my own.

When the time came to stop, when my body said "enough," my mind didn't really
want to follow at first. Why? Because I had built myself a wall against reality,
a mechanism for numbing myself, a suit of armor against pain. That suit of armor
had to rust and fall away from me, or death would have come quickly. So often,
my mind would scream to have separation from inevitable feelings that being in
reality brings: day to day hurts, frustrations, longings, things that people who
aren't addicted to substances cope with on a daily basis and survive.

Did this make me weak, or a bad person, or unable to live in the real world? No,
it meant merely that I had not developed the tools I needed to cope in healthy
ways. That I had learned how to get numb and survive by not feeling. Feeling
wasn't pleasant. Feeling could mean disappointment and sadness and grief.
Emotionally, I had never learned to deal with pain on its own, stark terms.

I learned, though. At first, I learned out of necessity, because the drunken
armor was no longer an option. Gradually, necessity turned to adjustment,
adjustment to acceptance and acceptance to a level of comfort with things
painful and sad.

I cried a great deal. I grieved this "friend" of mine, alcohol, who'd shielded
me from so much, or so I thought. I longed for its warmth and comfort at first.
But I came to realize, after quite some time, that it was no friend at all, or
only a very superficial, false one, that would not only harm me, but kill me in
the long run.

The grieving was a natural part of the letting go of the suit of armor. It was a
natural course of accepting life. It subsided, and after awhile was no more than
a memory of growth. Painful growth, but growth nonetheless.

I now know, after seven and a half years without my armor, without my friend
alcohol, how to survive life and enjoy it. How to deal with things that are
frightening and painful and unpleasant. How to accept that which I cannot
control.

When my father died on April 19, 2005, I thought I would lose my mind with
grief. I didn't think I could live through losing him without numbing myself to
what was the worst emotional pain I have ever endured. But I did. And I know
that he would have been proud of me for standing up to reality and saying "no"
to numbness. I know that he was smiling from wherever he is now, and saying,
"Susan, you did well."

I have done well. All of us can do well. It takes time, patience, and support.

Susan

Hi All. This is actually something my therapist recomended to me. I am
a recovering alcoholic, sober for 11 months so far. I have had the
support of my partner, and 10 months of therapy. I've never been to an
AA meeting or anything like that.

I get cravings, so bad I just curl up into a little ball and cry. It
feels like every day it get harder for me, but somehow I manage. My
partner has had a lot to do with my success so far...he's
understanding, compassionate, very logical and matter of fact. He's
been there when I've been at my worst points and helped me realize why
I don't give in. It is really hard for me to remember that it is a
choice to drink.. My partner and my therapist have been my only
support system through this. I am too ashamed to go to my friends for
help or support...I'm too afraid to loose the few people I have in my
life, or to have them look down on me for this. Now, my partner is
away on vacation for a couple of weeks. That's half of my support
system gone. What do I do when the cravings really get to me? How do I
keep from giving in? I know the location of every bar in the area, the
closest one only being one block away.

I've been sober because I don't like the person I am when I drink. I
know it is unhealthy for me, both physically and psychologically...I
know this but yet I still crave, desire, even lust for a drink even
right now. And I hate myself for feeling this way. I'm such an awful
person. I hurt so bad...and drinking makes that go away for a time. I
don't know how many nights I can spend alone and keep myself sober. I
am at odds with myself. The bars are open until 2am here, and its only
a little after 11pm.

I think I need to remember that sobreity isn't just something one
does, it's a way of life. I've already chosen to be sober, and need to
stand by that decision. I wish I were a stronger person. I wish the
cravings would stop. You'd think that after 11 months, nearly a year
that they would ease up-the old adage "time heals all wounds." So why
doesn't it? Or maybe the trick is it takes much longer before I am
free of my addiction?

Just some thoughts.
Colin.

Hi Lloyd,

Once again, I think you need to go to the mainstream SOS email group at
sossaveourselves@yahoogroups.com The journal group is just for venting. Unless,
of course, that's what you're doing! If so, carry on!

Sue

---- Lloyd <leroipayne@...> wrote:
> Hello everyone my name is Lloyd, I am an addict. For Real. I started
> doing ontravenous drugs at age thirteen. Im fourty-five. I have spent
> years in prison and years in pain. I love my family and they want
> nothing to do with me for most of those years. Recently, they learned
> alot more about addictions and we understand and tolerate each other
> alot better these days.I have tried the 12-step method numerous
> (hundreds)of times. Obviously it does not work for me. Im "too smart"
> for that program. Really, I do not accept their perceived "higher power"
> trip and could never with any honesty. I want to live some life while i
> got a little left. I looked on the internet for alternatives to twelve
> steps and found things, said by others, that I've known for most of the
> past thirty years, thank you for being here.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>

Hello everyone my name is Lloyd, I am an addict. For Real. I started
doing ontravenous drugs at age thirteen. Im fourty-five. I have spent
years in prison and years in pain. I love my family and they want
nothing to do with me for most of those years. Recently, they learned
alot more about addictions and we understand and tolerate each other
alot better these days.I have tried the 12-step method numerous
(hundreds)of times. Obviously it does not work for me. Im "too smart"
for that program. Really, I do not accept their perceived "higher power"
trip and could never with any honesty. I want to live some life while i
got a little left. I looked on the internet for alternatives to twelve
steps and found things, said by others, that I've known for most of the
past thirty years, thank you for being here.

--- In sosjournal@yahoogroups.com, "xaviercannes05"
<xaviercannes05@...> wrote:
>
> Good luck friend

>
> Hello,
>
> My name is Xavier but my friends call me either X or X man.  This
is
> actually my first time posting a message on any board so it is
> interesting.  This is only my 2nd day without alcohol but it is my
> 5,346th time trying to stop.  I am hoping that 5,347th time is the
> charm.  My biggest enemy I now realize, since I was about 16, was
> denial.
>
> I am one of those people that believe only in things when I have
the
> proof and boy did I ever need proof from myself, that I was, beyond
> any shadow of doubt, an alcoholic.  So my experimentation and
> drinking career has spanned approx. 17 years.  I do think it is
time
> to retire from that line of "work" :-)
>
> I am actually now feeling better.  The last 2 days have been rough,
> with some major detox.  I have also had my last cigarette today. So
> I will be detoxing that as well for the next couple days.  Wish me
> luck. :-) X
>

Good Luck!

Xavier, are you aware of the sos email group? You can find it by following the
links you'll see on the website for the journal group. You'll get more reponse
there, this particular board is for people who just want to write their feelings
out, but, perhaps that's what you were doing!

Anyway, check out the email group. It's very, very active.

Take care,

Sue

---- xaviercannes05 <xaviercannes05@...> wrote:
>
>
> Hello,
>
> My name is Xavier but my friends call me either X or X man.  This is
> actually my first time posting a message on any board so it is
> interesting.  This is only my 2nd day without alcohol but it is my
> 5,346th time trying to stop.  I am hoping that 5,347th time is the
> charm.  My biggest enemy I now realize, since I was about 16, was
> denial.
>
> I am one of those people that believe only in things when I have the
> proof and boy did I ever need proof from myself, that I was, beyond
> any shadow of doubt, an alcoholic.  So my experimentation and
> drinking career has spanned approx. 17 years.  I do think it is time
> to retire from that line of "work" :-)
>
> I am actually now feeling better.  The last 2 days have been rough,
> with some major detox.  I have also had my last cigarette today. So
> I will be detoxing that as well for the next couple days.  Wish me
> luck. :-) X
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>

Hello,

My name is Xavier but my friends call me either X or X man.  This is
actually my first time posting a message on any board so it is
interesting.  This is only my 2nd day without alcohol but it is my
5,346th time trying to stop.  I am hoping that 5,347th time is the
charm.  My biggest enemy I now realize, since I was about 16, was
denial.

I am one of those people that believe only in things when I have the
proof and boy did I ever need proof from myself, that I was, beyond
any shadow of doubt, an alcoholic.  So my experimentation and
drinking career has spanned approx. 17 years.  I do think it is time
to retire from that line of "work" :-)

I am actually now feeling better.  The last 2 days have been rough,
with some major detox.  I have also had my last cigarette today. So
I will be detoxing that as well for the next couple days.  Wish me
luck. :-) X

Thought i would share  something with ya'll. Great fun and it does actually
work. Met my girl      on here, http://www.meetthemonlinenow.info/itdm and so
far it's been the best year of my life ever!       Wish you all      the same
happiness.

Well I just got engaged! I can't believe it, just last year I was beginning to
think i would never meet anyone. I'm 25 already and I thought it was all over.
After some recommendations from a buddy I joined up here:
http://www.comeandseeonline.info/sdpn and after 2 weeks I was already meeting up
with a beauty. Well, 14 months later and where still together and planning our
marriage for later this year =)

Just cashed my single biggest cheque for a week of work ever. 3 grand to be
exact, just for answering phone calls at home! But honestly, guys I am not here
to brag, I know many of you (like me a few months ago) are stuck in dead end
jobs so I thought I'd help you out by sharing my wisdom. Give these guys a
phonecal 800-940-1731 if ur interested in some work and a bit motivated. After 2
weeks with them I'm already realising that I might be able to pay for my first
house outright.

That's a wonderful idea! Everyone needs a forum.

I wish you the best of luck with this. It can be very healing.

Thanks for being so understanding.
Sue

---- Bellestar Martinez <starzn@...> wrote:
> Thank you!   I will open my own journal for everyone
> who would like to write.   Thank you!
>
> --- suejgee@... wrote:
>
> > Hello Bellestar,
> >
> > I'm Sue, and I'm the listowner of SOSJournal.
> >
> > I appreciate the fact that you're hurting so much,
> > and that you feel you need to write out your
> > feelings. I feel for you as well.
> >
> > But, I must tell you, that this forum is meant to be
> > secular, not religious in nature. While I respect
> > the right and perrogative of every individual to
> > practice and embrace their own spiritual and
> > religious beliefs, this is a group for people who do
> > not connect their religion to their recovery in any
> > way -- a concept of self-empowerment as opposed to a
> > higher power.
> >
> > I certainly don't mean to demean your beliefs, or
> > dismiss your pain. I know that they are very real.
> > So many in recovery struggle daily. I would request,
> > however, that in the future, you refrain from
> > posting messages that are religious in nature. We
> > are secular in focus.
> >
> > I hope that you find the peace that you seek.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> > Sue (SOSJournal Listowner)
> >
> > ---- Bellestar Martinez <starzn@...> wrote:
> > > Days go by before I can talk to my group.   I am
> > afraid to call
> > > anyone on my support group.   I feel I am taking
> > away from their
> > > time.   I have come to write out everything that
> > is bothering me.
> > > Whether someone reads this or not, is ok.   I need
> > to express what I
> > > am going through.   Thank You in advance for
> > listening.
> > >
> > > Lord Jesus,  I am so broken hearted.   My thoughts
> > are consumed by my
> > > actions and my sins.  I feel there is no hope.
> > Help Me, Almighty
> > > God for my unbelief.   As I continue in my
> > recovery, I ask Lord God
> > > to bring to me a your choice of a sponsor who will
> > help me get
> > > through my recovery.   I have purchased a
> > commitment ring,  commiting
> > > myself to you Father God for the next 12 months to
> > my recovery.
> > > Believing you will change me each and every day.
> > Thank you for
> > > healing my hurts.   Giving me the courage to
> > accept the things I
> > > cannot change, the Courage to change the things I
> > can and the Wisdome
> > > to know the difference.
> > >
> > > Thank you Father God, 12 months is not long.
> > Your son My Lord Jesus
> > > Christ gave up more than I ever could.   Your son
> > My Lord Jesus
> > > Christ shed his blood so I would be made clean and
> > be your chosen
> > > beloved.
> > >
> > > Thank You Father God.   Thank you for your Holy
> > Spirit.   Thank you!
> > >
> > > I love you God
> > > I love you Lord Jesus Christ
> > > I love you Holy Spirit
> > > I love you Bellestar
> > >
> > > Love Bellestar
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Yahoo! Groups Links
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>
>
> One year, nine months, 21 hours, 9 minutes and 33
> > seconds. 31994 cigarettes not smoked, saving
> > $4,799.11. Life saved: 15 weeks, 6 days, 2 hours, 10
> > minutes.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________
> Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
> http://mail.yahoo.com
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>

Thank you!   I will open my own journal for everyone
who would like to write.   Thank you!

--- suejgee@... wrote:

> Hello Bellestar,
>
> I'm Sue, and I'm the listowner of SOSJournal.
>
> I appreciate the fact that you're hurting so much,
> and that you feel you need to write out your
> feelings. I feel for you as well.
>
> But, I must tell you, that this forum is meant to be
> secular, not religious in nature. While I respect
> the right and perrogative of every individual to
> practice and embrace their own spiritual and
> religious beliefs, this is a group for people who do
> not connect their religion to their recovery in any
> way -- a concept of self-empowerment as opposed to a
> higher power.
>
> I certainly don't mean to demean your beliefs, or
> dismiss your pain. I know that they are very real.
> So many in recovery struggle daily. I would request,
> however, that in the future, you refrain from
> posting messages that are religious in nature. We
> are secular in focus.
>
> I hope that you find the peace that you seek.
>
> Sincerely,
> Sue (SOSJournal Listowner)
>
> ---- Bellestar Martinez <starzn@...> wrote:
> > Days go by before I can talk to my group.   I am
> afraid to call
> > anyone on my support group.   I feel I am taking
> away from their
> > time.   I have come to write out everything that
> is bothering me.
> > Whether someone reads this or not, is ok.   I need
> to express what I
> > am going through.   Thank You in advance for
> listening.
> >
> > Lord Jesus,  I am so broken hearted.   My thoughts
> are consumed by my
> > actions and my sins.  I feel there is no hope.
> Help Me, Almighty
> > God for my unbelief.   As I continue in my
> recovery, I ask Lord God
> > to bring to me a your choice of a sponsor who will
> help me get
> > through my recovery.   I have purchased a
> commitment ring,  commiting
> > myself to you Father God for the next 12 months to
> my recovery.
> > Believing you will change me each and every day.
> Thank you for
> > healing my hurts.   Giving me the courage to
> accept the things I
> > cannot change, the Courage to change the things I
> can and the Wisdome
> > to know the difference.
> >
> > Thank you Father God, 12 months is not long.
> Your son My Lord Jesus
> > Christ gave up more than I ever could.   Your son
> My Lord Jesus
> > Christ shed his blood so I would be made clean and
> be your chosen
> > beloved.
> >
> > Thank You Father God.   Thank you for your Holy
> Spirit.   Thank you!
> >
> > I love you God
> > I love you Lord Jesus Christ
> > I love you Holy Spirit
> > I love you Bellestar
> >
> > Love Bellestar
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Yahoo! Groups Links
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>


One year, nine months, 21 hours, 9 minutes and 33
> seconds. 31994 cigarettes not smoked, saving
> $4,799.11. Life saved: 15 weeks, 6 days, 2 hours, 10
> minutes.









__________________________________
Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
http://mail.yahoo.com

Hello Bellestar,

I'm Sue, and I'm the listowner of SOSJournal.

I appreciate the fact that you're hurting so much, and that you feel you need to
write out your feelings. I feel for you as well.

But, I must tell you, that this forum is meant to be secular, not religious in
nature. While I respect the right and perrogative of every individual to
practice and embrace their own spiritual and religious beliefs, this is a group
for people who do not connect their religion to their recovery in any way -- a
concept of self-empowerment as opposed to a higher power.

I certainly don't mean to demean your beliefs, or dismiss your pain. I know that
they are very real. So many in recovery struggle daily. I would request,
however, that in the future, you refrain from posting messages that are
religious in nature. We are secular in focus.

I hope that you find the peace that you seek.

Sincerely,
Sue (SOSJournal Listowner)

---- Bellestar Martinez <starzn@...> wrote:
> Days go by before I can talk to my group.   I am afraid to call
> anyone on my support group.   I feel I am taking away from their
> time.   I have come to write out everything that is bothering me.
> Whether someone reads this or not, is ok.   I need to express what I
> am going through.   Thank You in advance for listening.
>
> Lord Jesus,  I am so broken hearted.   My thoughts are consumed by my
> actions and my sins.  I feel there is no hope.   Help Me, Almighty
> God for my unbelief.   As I continue in my recovery, I ask Lord God
> to bring to me a your choice of a sponsor who will help me get
> through my recovery.   I have purchased a commitment ring,  commiting
> myself to you Father God for the next 12 months to my recovery.
> Believing you will change me each and every day.   Thank you for
> healing my hurts.   Giving me the courage to accept the things I
> cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdome
> to know the difference.
>
> Thank you Father God, 12 months is not long.   Your son My Lord Jesus
> Christ gave up more than I ever could.   Your son My Lord Jesus
> Christ shed his blood so I would be made clean and be your chosen
> beloved.
>
> Thank You Father God.   Thank you for your Holy Spirit.   Thank you!
>
> I love you God
> I love you Lord Jesus Christ
> I love you Holy Spirit
> I love you Bellestar
>
> Love Bellestar
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>

Days go by before I can talk to my group.   I am afraid to call
anyone on my support group.   I feel I am taking away from their
time.   I have come to write out everything that is bothering me.
Whether someone reads this or not, is ok.   I need to express what I
am going through.   Thank You in advance for listening.

Lord Jesus,  I am so broken hearted.   My thoughts are consumed by my
actions and my sins.  I feel there is no hope.   Help Me, Almighty
God for my unbelief.   As I continue in my recovery, I ask Lord God
to bring to me a your choice of a sponsor who will help me get
through my recovery.   I have purchased a commitment ring,  commiting
myself to you Father God for the next 12 months to my recovery.
Believing you will change me each and every day.   Thank you for
healing my hurts.   Giving me the courage to accept the things I
cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdome
to know the difference.

Thank you Father God, 12 months is not long.   Your son My Lord Jesus
Christ gave up more than I ever could.   Your son My Lord Jesus
Christ shed his blood so I would be made clean and be your chosen
beloved.

Thank You Father God.   Thank you for your Holy Spirit.   Thank you!

I love you God
I love you Lord Jesus Christ
I love you Holy Spirit
I love you Bellestar

Love Bellestar

THE REASON I'VE SUCCEEDED IN REMAINING SOBER USING AA AS MY
FOUNDATION
IS THAT I'VE NEVER TAKEN THE AA "GOD" ORIENTED PHILOSOPHY FROM THE
OXFORD MOVEMENT INFLUENCE SERIOUSLY.

MY AGNOSTIC SPONSOR FREED ME WHEN HE TOLD ME I DID NOT HAVE TO STAY
SOBER THE WAY THE OXFORD MOVEMENT MEMBERS DID.

REMEMBER THIS WHOLE PROGRAM OF AA WAS COBBLED TOGETHER BY THE FIRST
100
MEMBERS ALL OF WHOM WERE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY OXFORDS INFLUENCE.

I FOUND A KERNEL OF MENTAL HEALTH TRUTH IN THE STEPS AND USED IT FOR
ALL MY 34+ YEARS OF SOBRIETY.

AGNOSTIC OR NOT, I AM STILL AN EQUAL MEMBER OF AA BECAUSE I HAVE THE
ONE REQUIREMENT FOR MEMBERSHIP, A DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING.

Marnin

When I joined AA in 1970 & thru the years in NY I was able to find
secular minded members to stay sober with.

Living in South Florida 2005  it seems I'm a very rare breed of sober
AA member. Everyone seems to believe in GOD as guiding light of their
lives.

Feeling depressed due to medical problems, yesterday went to 2
meetings
and they were not my medicine.  Lunch time meeting topic "What has
God
done for me"?  Night time meeting topic was "Faith".

Really felt like an outsider and need to explore other meetings.

Am I the only sober AA member practicing secular sobriety?

Monday, April 11, 2004

Today, I decided to stay home and get some things in order. So much has happened
in the past few months. Life-altering things, mind-blowing things, things that I
have shyed away from my entire life, things that I never wanted to see happen.
But happen they did.

So where am I now. Still sober, which is a victory. Married, which isn't
something that I planned on, but isn't a bad thing, either, not by any stretch
of the imagination. New job -- probably the last place I thought I would be. Too
much negativity at the place where I cut my teeth on social work. Too much
anxiety, no more peace, no more fulfillment. Time to go, to move on. Not
something that I wanted to do, thought I'd be there until I retired. But move
along I did, and I did so for survival and to keep my sobriety intact.

New job -- much different atmosphere, seems to be open and accepting, not a lot
of backstabbing, not a lot of judgement, not a lot of people sending huge mixed
messages. No client contact to speak of, but management of the county's
children's access to mental health treatment. No one to supervise but me! No
more union crap to deal with, no more grievances over petty bullshit.
Refreshing.

My beloved father -- bedridden, in hospital, systemic infection, not doing well,
Mom knocking herself silly trying to take better care of him than the nurses
can. Moving to a nursing home today, (thank god!!) she can't bring him home
anymore. That's a blow to all of us, his alzheimers may be advancing, but he
still knows that something is up. He wants to go home, and I think he's getting
the idea that it's not going to happen. He kept asking me the other day if I was
going to forget about him. When he fell asleep, I sat by his bedside and cried
my eyes out. I wish I could take care of him myself, quit my job, bring him
home, put him in a hospital bed, bring all the necessary people in to help him.
But that's not even close to realistic. Why do I feel so guilty? I don't know.
My logical mind knows that this is the best thing, but my heart isn't listening
at all.

My brother is coming this week. I think he's finally figured it out, that maybe
his family of origin isn't going to be there forever. I have to stop being
judgmental of him, because he interpreted our upbringing in his own way. I did a
lot of intensive therapy, but that's what worked for me. He got as far away as
possible, because that's what worked for him. I'm afraid for him, because I
don't think he has any peace with our parents, and I don't think that he ever
will. I don't think he wants any, I think he wants to hang on to all the bad
stuff instead of putting it to rest. And I think that it will torture him
forever, because I know him. Some can put things behind and move along, he's
still as angry as he can be about everything. I can't make that change for him.
I can only offer him love. Because that's all I have -- he wanted answers from
me on the phone the other night, but I didn't have any for him. He got angry. It
took everything I had not to yell back at him. It's not going to be easy for Tom
and I when he comes home on Thursday. Thank god that I have Tom to keep me
grounded.

This week is going to be a rough one.

Hello to all members,

I haven't journaled in awhile, which is not a good thing for me. I've had a
great deal going on, and I should be writing about it in order to put it into
perspective, but I haven't done so. That's about to end.

Please feel free to come and post anything that you desire, that has to do with
your struggles and/or accomplishments in recovery. At this point, we're not
doing this as an active "support" mechanism, because that's what the other SOS
groups are for. However, I would be very interested in seeing creative journal
entries that people may or may not want critiqued, i.e. poetry or essays. Please
let me know what you think.

I'd like to keep this group going, but if no one else is interested, I'm going
to let it go.

Thanks!
Sue G.
Listowner

I've been thinking lately about how I so feel like I did when I was a
teenager.  Kinda lost, clueless about the future.  But there's a big
difference, a positive difference, between now and when I was 15.  I
can see clearly that I have choices and that I have control.  When I
was 15 I was so damaged from years of neglectful, insensitive
treatment that I didn't know I was worth anything.  Now, I know I'm
worth the world, as much and moreso than any other human on the
planet.  I know what was missing from my upbrining, that a parent's
job is to make a child feel special and central in the world.  I am
finished mourning that loss, finished feeling sorry for myself that I
didn't get what a lot of others received, and I'm able now to see that
I can give these things to myself.  I know that it's not too late.  I
see the opportunity ahead of me.  It's as though I just woke up from a
long, drugged sleep and I've realized the day is warm and filled with
whatever I want it to hold.  I'm not saying I'm exactly ready to leap
in with both feet, but just seeing the potential, and sitting back and
knowing that I'm worth everything, and understanding that life is
abbreviated and the whole point is to do with it whatever I *want*.
This is a major shift in perspective from when I was 15.  I'm more
alive now.  I'm not suffocating under abuse.  I don't think I'll ever
understand human cruelty, but now that I'm free of it, I'm able to
smile and breathe. Still sorta lost, but maybe a little less clueless.
  I own the future, at least the part of it fate's left open to my
hand.

drSue
Saturday Jan 9, 2005 11:46 pm

Ah, my year-end interactions with my family inevitably result in my
getting my yearly illness.  Think it was the flu, still suffering the
swollen glands.  I told my husband, I'm booking tickets for next
Thanksgiving through Christmas somewhere other than here.  Every year
after the holidays, I swear next year I'll go out of town and take a
break for one year.  I did it once, went to Florence, Italy and it was
wonderful, the festivities of another culture.  But usually I just let
it slide and by the next year, I'm sucked in once again by the
consumerism and constant barrage of media images of warmth of home and
hearth.  It ain't warm but for the too-close-booze-breath of my
sisters and brothers and gayly guzzling well-wishers.  Next year, I'm
going to be looking at tinsel on palm trees and kicking off flip-flops
instead of donning painful tea-cup-heels.
Happy New Year!
drSue
Jan 7, 2005 9:08 pm

Funny, how things can come full circle.

Yesterday, after spending another day with my parents and my wonderful partner,
I went to the women's residence where I do SOS groups when I can. I ran into
someone with whom I had been best friends for years -- someone who I spent a lot
of time drinking and partying with, we were a big part of each other's lives,
and haven't actually seen each other in almost twenty years. It was very weird
-- almost surreal.

The strangest thing, is that I had just come from the home of another mutual
friend, I had stopped there to see her after a separation of about three years.
The three of us, together had been a very tight little group. We went our
separate ways, and, although I know I thought about them a great deal, I didn't
make a supreme effort to make contact. My sobriety has caused me to be a very
busy person, which is a good thing, but it often means I can't get in touch with
people that I may want to get in touch with. It just gets put off.

So here it is, Christmas evening. I was at my parents' home, still feeling a
great deal of pain over my father's condition, although he seemed a bit more
lucid. I left there and go to my childhood friend's mom's home, and spend a
little bit of time with her -- reminiscing about, of all people, friend number
one. Then I walk into the women's residence and there she is, friend number one,
a complete circle -- in one day.

I had very mixed feelings at seeing both of them. All of us have aged a great
deal, all of us have been through monumental, life changing circumstances. But,
somehow, we have all still survived -- we've come out on the other side of
things that we never anticipated when growing up, a bit worse for wear, but
still on this side of the ground. A strange feeling, with a strange jumble of
emotions to go along with it.

Sobriety has been a big thing in the lives of two of the three of us. Two of us
have struggled valiantly against this beast. The other never really had a
problem with the beast at all. It never held her in any sort of grip. She could
take it in big doses, or leave it alone all together. Yet, in reflecting on
this, we've all been through extremely painful, heartbreaking, depressing
experiences in our forty-odd years. Two of us found a strange haven in alcohol.
One of us just toughed it all out, and yet we all look as though we've been
through the same mill.

I know that I never want to go back to that haven. I don't know about my friend
who shared my experiences with addiction. She seems to have a sort of "Well, I
don't know yet what life has in store." That's her choice. My choice will be to
stay in my sober space and try to survive panic and indecision and curiosity
about what else may be out there without, as my partner in facilitating the
group said, "messing with my brain chemistry" any longer. I know for certain
that I am done with that.

Strange how things can come full circle.

S. Gibbons 12/26/04

Christmas Eve, and the snow was falling thick and fast. I made my way to my
parents' house, just like every year that I can remember since leaving home.

I got in the door, stamped my boots, smelled the warmth and the Christmas
fragrances. Heard my mother calling "Hello, Merry Christmas!" and headed into
the family room where my father sat in his chair, looking at the Packers' game
and not seeing it or much else.

I walked to my father's chair, leaned over him, kissed him on the cheek and
said, "Merry Christmas, Daddy." He looked up at me with the look of someone lost
and confused, dazed that someone was talking to him. I said, "Daddy, it's Susan,
do you know who I am?" He repeated, "Susan." and then shook his head, his once
bright blue eyes staring at me blankly, as though he was looking straight
through me.

My mother said to me, "He's very quiet, doesn't seem to know much these days,
and he sleeps most of the time." I was very quietly fighting back tears that
wanted to come screaming, roaring out of a place so deep that I couldn't quite
define it. It was, after all Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve without my father,
just a shadow or shell of this strong, in control, loud-voiced policeman who was
always in charge. This man who taught me everything from how to swim when I was
scared of water, to how to ride a bike, to having a strong work ethic, to taking
responsibility for my own "stuff." This man, whose giant, strong hands once
covered my own and led me down the beach and threw me in the air, whose strong
hands once tucked in my blankets and straightened my high school cap and gown,
was now holding my hand, as though a child, as I led him to the table to eat his
holiday dinner with a special spoon designed for people with Alzheimer's,
because he doesn't know how to use his silverware anymore.

My heart is breaking as I write this. No, everything with my father wasn't
always happiness and roses and love and hugs. Much of it was yelling and
fighting and seeing him get drunk and loud and nasty. But I have never stopped
loving the man who patiently stood by the side of the pool that he built in the
backyard, telling me to jump in, it was OK, he would catch me. I never stopped
trusting him, because when push came to shove, he always did catch me, no matter
what else was going on. He's gone, that man who I've always loved with all my
heart. And my mother and I are left to grieve a death that hasn't yet happened.

Today, I have to put away my sorrow, for my mother's sake, and go and take care
of what I can take care of. To catch him as he always caught me, even though he
no longer knows who I am. I still love him, but it's a painful sort of love.
It's the kind of love that makes one weep, and not for joy. I'll come home and
dream dreams of my Daddy, and feel his strong hands catch me, as I jump off the
side of the pool, and into whatever else this life may send my way.

S. Gibbons
12/25/04

Ahh, what to drink?  What to drink?  I'll admit, those damned little
Bailey's bottles have been lurking in my shadows, but it was more to
do with my stress level than my true wishes.  I want peace and comfort
this holiday.  And being sober over a year, I am finding just that
more and more.  When my emotions get out of control or depression
seeps in, the booze thoughts emerge from the shadows.  So I work
diligently to monitor and keep the moods in hand and approach them
even-handed. Slowing down life, even if it means compromising my
perfectionism, is essential to balancing the striving adult and the
wishing child.  Today, before all the wrapping and cooking and
travelling and chatting and opening and nog and eating and kissing and
waving and travelling and unloading and finally, exhausted sleeping...
I'm taking a minute for the kid inside saying "I don wanna," by
heading to the ice-rink for a half-hour spin round the rink.  Sure I
have lots of things to do, but I'd rather do them with a happy kid
inside rather than a grumpy griping one.  Grumpy can lead to rum in
the nog, and my liver's not up for it.
Happy Holidays...for real this year!
drSue
[December 24, 2004 5:44 a.m.]

I haven't felt much like writing lately.  I don't hardly write at all,
in fact.  Not in my journals, not my typical essays, not even much e-
mail.  Working has made me want to couch-it every free moment.  My
house is still 1/3 unpacked.  Livable, but not in order yet.  Work.
Necessary for money, but at what cost.  A part of myself is in a box
along with all my other stuff.  Well, it'll be there after my bills
are in order, waiting.  Words never fail me, and they'll be there
always, no worry of them running out. Just kind of sad.  Maybe I'll be
able to integrate my writing into my worklife too, just as I need to
do with play.  Just as I learned to integrate living into my sobriety.
  Dismal at first, but eventually a rhythm all its own emerged.  A
normalcy that I didn't think was possible.  I'll sit back and let that
part of fate take care of itself.  Change is the one dependable thing.
  Nothing is as it is for long, the good nor the bad.  That's good I
guess.
drSue
Dec 20, 2004 12:09 a.m.

Some folks get exercised at the configurations of a Higher Power that others
come up with.  In my mind, the sophistication of the configuration
represents where someone is at that moment.  It would be easy for me to say
that any particular configuration is really flawed or "nonsense".
But I need to remind myself where I was at the beginning of this journey.
At the beginning of my journey my thinking was seriously flawed.  The only
useful thought I had was "You can't drink".

The Baltimore prologue in use in AA at the time (1965) said "A belief in a
Higher Power is indispensable to a satisfactory adjustment to life's
problems".  After a month or so of not drinking, it dawned on me that that
sentence, read at the beginning of every meeting, said I was going to fail
at life (or at least never adjust to it satisfactorily -- whatever that
means).

So when I did hear someone say (and I did hear this) "My Higher Power became
a radiator cap", I knew that I could do better than that.  At the same time,
I had enough respect to know that I shouldn't say that what that person
believed was dumb.  So the group became my Higher Power -- for a while --
and I was relieved by that for the time being until I could get more days
sober, reconnect more of those neural pathways, and move on to a conceptual
framework that made more sense (to me).  I don't think that what I was
clinging to at the time was dumb or nonsense.  It was all I was capable of
at the time.

So when I hear someone say that their Higher Power is a radiator cap or the
Group, I'd be more inclined to say to them, "Hey, if it works for you right
now that is terrific but understand that most of us evolve and are still
evolving.  I can almost guarantee you if you work at this thing you will
develop a new framework or two or three along the way that will gradually
make more sense and be a greater comfort for you".  As my friend Shirley
says, "This is a process".  And I am becoming.  And I kind of like what I'm
becoming.

Thanks,
Don P

I've been too busy as of late.  Learning to merge living with  work
and the few family obligations I allow into my life. I'm barely
keeping my mouth above the water line, but I'm doing well with regard
to pushing back the old echo of wishing to drink during these holiday
times.  Every now and then, I hear myself rationalizing in a
subconscious voice that it'd be ok to have a little six of those
Bailey's bottles at the next family gathering. And if I'm not
diligent, those words take on shape and form.  But I dream then about
the people who matter most to me and their gravity pulls me back to my
clearer mind.  Perceiving myself from the persepective of others who
see the me I respect is the tow-rope that leads me on the path I need
to stay on, the one that makes me happy, the journey where I am
myself.
drSue
Friday Dec 17, 2004 4:28 a.m.

I really like what you are saying.  But for some people they have to learn to be
assertive. It's hard to stop being a door mat.-Julie