Monday, April 11, 2004

Today, I decided to stay home and get some things in order. So much has happened
in the past few months. Life-altering things, mind-blowing things, things that I
have shyed away from my entire life, things that I never wanted to see happen.
But happen they did.

So where am I now. Still sober, which is a victory. Married, which isn't
something that I planned on, but isn't a bad thing, either, not by any stretch
of the imagination. New job -- probably the last place I thought I would be. Too
much negativity at the place where I cut my teeth on social work. Too much
anxiety, no more peace, no more fulfillment. Time to go, to move on. Not
something that I wanted to do, thought I'd be there until I retired. But move
along I did, and I did so for survival and to keep my sobriety intact.

New job -- much different atmosphere, seems to be open and accepting, not a lot
of backstabbing, not a lot of judgement, not a lot of people sending huge mixed
messages. No client contact to speak of, but management of the county's
children's access to mental health treatment. No one to supervise but me! No
more union crap to deal with, no more grievances over petty bullshit.
Refreshing.

My beloved father -- bedridden, in hospital, systemic infection, not doing well,
Mom knocking herself silly trying to take better care of him than the nurses
can. Moving to a nursing home today, (thank god!!) she can't bring him home
anymore. That's a blow to all of us, his alzheimers may be advancing, but he
still knows that something is up. He wants to go home, and I think he's getting
the idea that it's not going to happen. He kept asking me the other day if I was
going to forget about him. When he fell asleep, I sat by his bedside and cried
my eyes out. I wish I could take care of him myself, quit my job, bring him
home, put him in a hospital bed, bring all the necessary people in to help him.
But that's not even close to realistic. Why do I feel so guilty? I don't know.
My logical mind knows that this is the best thing, but my heart isn't listening
at all.

My brother is coming this week. I think he's finally figured it out, that maybe
his family of origin isn't going to be there forever. I have to stop being
judgmental of him, because he interpreted our upbringing in his own way. I did a
lot of intensive therapy, but that's what worked for me. He got as far away as
possible, because that's what worked for him. I'm afraid for him, because I
don't think he has any peace with our parents, and I don't think that he ever
will. I don't think he wants any, I think he wants to hang on to all the bad
stuff instead of putting it to rest. And I think that it will torture him
forever, because I know him. Some can put things behind and move along, he's
still as angry as he can be about everything. I can't make that change for him.
I can only offer him love. Because that's all I have -- he wanted answers from
me on the phone the other night, but I didn't have any for him. He got angry. It
took everything I had not to yell back at him. It's not going to be easy for Tom
and I when he comes home on Thursday. Thank god that I have Tom to keep me
grounded.

This week is going to be a rough one.