I've been thinking lately about how I so feel like I did when I was a
teenager. Kinda lost, clueless about the future. But there's a big
difference, a positive difference, between now and when I was 15. I
can see clearly that I have choices and that I have control. When I
was 15 I was so damaged from years of neglectful, insensitive
treatment that I didn't know I was worth anything. Now, I know I'm
worth the world, as much and moreso than any other human on the
planet. I know what was missing from my upbrining, that a parent's
job is to make a child feel special and central in the world. I am
finished mourning that loss, finished feeling sorry for myself that I
didn't get what a lot of others received, and I'm able now to see that
I can give these things to myself. I know that it's not too late. I
see the opportunity ahead of me. It's as though I just woke up from a
long, drugged sleep and I've realized the day is warm and filled with
whatever I want it to hold. I'm not saying I'm exactly ready to leap
in with both feet, but just seeing the potential, and sitting back and
knowing that I'm worth everything, and understanding that life is
abbreviated and the whole point is to do with it whatever I *want*.
This is a major shift in perspective from when I was 15. I'm more
alive now. I'm not suffocating under abuse. I don't think I'll ever
understand human cruelty, but now that I'm free of it, I'm able to
smile and breathe. Still sorta lost, but maybe a little less clueless.
I own the future, at least the part of it fate's left open to my
hand.

drSue
Saturday Jan 9, 2005 11:46 pm