Between outpatient, SOS meetings, gambling counseling and mandatory
house activities, my mind is on my recovery. It's a situation that
is all work and no play. I'm enjoying the process for the most part
still it's mostly an exercise in seriousness. Which is why I feel as
though there is a longing on my part to go in the OTB (off track
betting) parlor whenever I walk by. I have a compulsive gambling
addiction. I feel as though if I were to go in, get a racing form I
could make money. I would enjoy the atmosphere and it would be a way
to escape. I stop myself by realizing that is a colossal waste of
time and money. I was so sidetracked for years with this activity.
I have nothing to show for all the time that I spent. I didn't
cultivate any lasting relationships I was exposed to some of the most
devious people that I could ever hope to meet. The thrill and the
adrenaline of betting can only lead to a hopeless cycle that would
get me back to zero. That is why I am working on being brutally
honest. That is a way to tell on myself. Gambling's consequences
for me are the quickest way to get back to zero. The happiness that
I would derive from gambling is fleeting and usually remorse is the
end result. I've been feeling peevish and curt recently. It is
though I expect the world to follow in my footsteps. Maybe this is
because for so many years I have subjugated myself to someone else's
will. It was my husbands, significant others and mother's wishes
that I followed becuase I was afraid to be left alone. Now that I am
taking the initial steps to change my ways and follow my own path I
am looking at everything from a very self centered sort of way. This
is my control issue and it's not serving me well. I am looking at
the world with a biased viewpoint. What I need to do is to recognize
it when I try to fit a situation into my own world view and let that
feeling pass. I know that rationality is my objective and if I
continue to acknowledge that fact eventually I will correct myself.
I do not have to continually beat myself up because I have slipped.
I can give myself some slack, loosen up since I do not wish to build
into my reaction structure a uptight tight assed personage.