November 14, 2004

Woke up from a doozy of a drinking dream. I was driving my car, going to work,
hungover after having binged the night before. In the dream, I realized that I
had quit drinking a lot of years ago, and that all of a sudden I had started
again, once or twice a week. I was panic stricken in the dream, woke up with a
start and it took me a few minutes to calm down and realize that it was just a
dream.

Six years into sobriety, and I'm still having drinking dreams. I know that they
are largely anxiety related, which tells me a lot. Tells me that my "worst
nightmare" is to go back to that horrible place, no matter how loud the siren
song may become.

Dammit, I don't like feeling vulnerable. Too much work went into all of this
recovery, too much time and energy invested to have to go backwards, and
besides, backwards means death. I don't like feeling out of control, or
depressed, or anxious. I don't like feeling like I'm on the edge. I am supposed
to be strong and capable and sound in my recovery. Yaddda yaddda yaddda...

sjg 11/14/04