I'm lost. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. This will be poorly
written, but my mind won't give me words.

I found out today that someone I was just becoming friends with is
dead. She was recovering from cancer, and getting treatments, and we
started hanging out a bit. We never got to be close friends, but i
like to think that we would have been. She was intelligent and
creative; a fellow artist. She lived upstairs from us, and came for
visits to watch Angel or to talk about things.

We went to the library once, and I was privileged to hear her ideas
about life. She said that "you shouldn't take life for granted,
because you never know." She was going to work less, and spend more
time with her partner. She said that everything looked differently
now to her, and she felt alive and positive, even though she was tired
much of the time.

Two days ago, she passed away. Her cancer had spread to her brain.

My deepest regret is that I didn't know her better. I think of her
cats looking for her in her apartment and not finding her. I think of
her partner who was going to marry her this summer. I think of all
the things that she didn't get to do.

But more than that, more than anything, I think of the times when I
wished so much to just die so that my pain would end. So many times,
I hated my life and myself, wanting it to just end.

Who am i to feel such things, The arrogance of it offends me. The
question I am forced to ask, is : Can I learn this lesson? Can I
change? Will I live life the way I'm supposed to?

Who was an answer? Me? I am lost.

Jim