Thursday 2/27:

I just don't know who or what I am anymore. Am I the immature, fool
who my ex platonic girlfriend: Carolyn is her name-used for months?
Or am I the kind, decent, intelligent man I know I'm capable of being
in my better moments? I've been lost within myself for so long.
Carolyn whatever else she did to me made me truly realize what I'm
capable of being, the joy and happiness I can find if only I can
confront and control my anxiety disorders. For once in my sad life I
was actually happy when I spent time with her and her beautiful
children. Which in a way I know doesn't make too much sense. She
never truly appreciated all that I did for her and her children, she
never let a romance begin between us, till she finally rejected me
when I finally put my foot down-months late-by telling her I could no
longer spend money on her and her children if I was only her friend.

As a few of you have pointed out major depression has me in it's
awful, numbing grip. I've been running through a bad spell the past
few days. A tailspin I need to reverse. Hopefully, I'll be able to
do so. Without hope I have nothing.

Looking back on my life perhaps I've always suffered with a low level
case of depression but nothing major like now. Anxiety has always
been-and continues to be-my major disorder. The weakness living
within me which I need to confront and control.

I feel like my mind's a huge labyrinth and I've been searching for a
way out to my true self for as long as I can remember. Round and
round I go, trapped within myself, fighting my disorders in my never-
ending struggle to become the man I can (should) be.

I find myself avoiding my cellphone. Where Carolyn used to call me.
I know if I check my messages too often I'd be getting my hopes up
waiting for a message from her I know in my heart is never going to
come. I tell myself, "It's over, you've been played (intentionally
or not) then rejected, move on." Thankfully, I have started very
slowly accepting this reality. I don't miss Carolyn so much anymore,
just the hopes and dreams I built up in my own socially anxious mind
about having something real with her. I'm no fool and have gained
some perspective about what a flawed character I was dealing with. A
young, physically beautiful, deep down kind, emotionally troubled
young lady. I'm going to try and make this one of the last times I
write about her.
I need to move forward not look backward. Otherwise I'm doomed. I
can flush my expensive therapy, self help groups, memoir writing,
yoga, and web design classes, and whatever else I find to fill my
free time with-along with the rest of my life-down the toilet with
the rest of the refuse. Without a positive mental attitude and
motivation I'll fail in my quest for true change.
In my darker moments I think to myself that I'll change-by becoming
the man I know I'm capable of being-to get even with Carolyn. I'll
show her what a mistake she made rejecting me! Then I think to
myself this is ridiculous. I'll probably never see or talk to her
again and I believe I know her well enough to understand that
whatever her motivations for using me she only wishes me well in the
rest of my life. It's up to me to decide what memories I'll have of
her and her children. I truly want them to be kind ones.

I've never been hospitalized. If anything I'm wrapped way too
tight. I've always felt I have all my marbles. Although I sometimes
half jokingly question if my elevator makes all its scheduled stops.
A part of me tells myself maybe I could use a little 'vacation'. A
little time away from my sad, stressful existence for a little
remedial 'basket weaving 101'. I realize life's a twisted swirl and
there's no shame in doing ANYTHING to get well. We should use every
available tool in our search for joy and happiness.
Thoughts of Ken Kesey's great novel and Jack Nicholson's wonderful
film 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' flood my mind. I could
swallow my multi colored pills, play cards for cigarettes with the
boys, as I listen to the beautiful music 'Nurse Ratched' chooses for
us.
I can't allow myself to sink to the level where I need to be
hospitalized. Whatever else I'm a high functioning 'bizarro',
socially anxious screwball. I have a long term decent paying job- I
can't leave, and an ex wife I'm trying to act as a 'life raft' for as
I struggle to keep my own head above water. Recently, I've honestly
felt like I've been drowning. I have to make this feeling pass. My
damn life hangs in the balance.

I wish life were easier for all of us. We really deserve it. From
all the posts and emails I've been receiving I know many of you
agree. Life certainly is often a cold, hard existence. Sometimes a
tough reality to face under the best of circumstances. To battle
this with social anxiety just doesn't seem fair. It's like fighting
a ten foot enraged giant with both hands tied behind your back. We
all have to play the cards we've been dealt by life though. To keep
fighting our disorders till our last breath. No matter what.

At least for today: From the razors edge,



ANDY