Hello Shellon,

Welcome to the group. I am glad that you decided to join us on the forum. I am sorry that baby Aliyah didn't make it. I remember the anger stage so well. I too was very angry after my son Nathaniel passed away. I think I was even angrier once I found out why he passed away and that my subsequent daughter lived because measures were taken to keep me pregnant. My question "why couldn't they have done the same for my son"? Anger can be a great motivator sometimes. I promised myself that I would start to stand up for myself and if something wasn't right I wouldn't let others talk me out of inquiring and trying to fix what was wrong. Sometimes I find myself sliding back to old habits but I am getting back to my new self again. I try to find the little gifts that Nathaniel's short life afforded me.

I did not have twins like you but my son and daughter would be close in age so I often look at her and am sad because she doesn't have her big brother with her. I will say that having my daughter is healing for me. I can't have the special moments with my son but I can have them with my daughter. I am now at a stage were instead of hopelessly grieving the death of my son I celebrate the life of my daughter, maybe more so. I miss my son everyday however, it is no longer that deep, deep pain where I can't see it ever getting better or being happy again. You are so right healing does hurt but if you allow yourself in time the pain will not be as great and you can start to enjoy life again. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you are feeling. I know that it is hard to believe right now but healing will happen and you will begin to feel better.

Hugs,

Adrianne

--- On Thu, 7/17/08, shellonblanch <shellonsclarke@...> wrote:

From: shellonblanch <shellonsclarke@...>
Subject: [SHARE Atlanta Preg. & Newborn Loss Grief Support] Introduce Myself
To: shareatlantasupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, July 17, 2008, 11:50 PM

Hello Everyone,
I wanted to introduce myself to the group. I found out about SHARE
from Micaela Brady in my neighborhood and I'm thankful to Micaela.
I finally feel like I found a place where people understand me and
why I'm angry, don't want to go out, socialize or whatever.
I delivered identical twin girls, Zuri and Aliyah on April 19th, but
after complications from cardiac arrest lost little Aliyah on June
25th. I am left to raise Zuri without her twin but still trying to
grieve for Aliyah.
The whole situation has been a roller coaster since I found out I
was pregnant last year because I was very sick in the beginning ,
then as soon as I made it past sickness stage, I was put on bedrest
at 20 weeks. Then hospitalized at 26 weeks and finally delivering at
30 weeks. The girls had a long stay at Northside Hospital's NICU
and only 6 days after Aliyah came home was when everything fell
apart. I still have to put on a happy face to care for Zuri but it
is the hardest thing because everytime, I look at Zuri, I see
Aliyah..I want to heal and need to heal for Zuri, my older daughter
and my husband . But trying to heal hurts...

Shellon
mom to Cyann , Zuri and Angel Baby Aliyah
Cumming, GA