Thank you for sharing your story, Adrianne. So sorry for your lose of
Nathaniel and so happy to hear about your little girl.

This is my story. My name is Allysa.

On October 30, 2006 I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. We had not
planned it and in fact I was even on birth control. We were not
married but had been engaged for about 2+ years. We had planned to get
married after I graduated but my father suddenly died 2 weeks before
my graduation. We decided to post pone the wedding and ended up moving
from Chicago to Atlanta. About a month or so later my sister was
diagnosed with cancer (b-cell lymphoma). So with this new tragedy we
had once again post poned the wedding. When I found out I was pregnant
(which was around the time we found out my sister got the all clear on
her cancer) I did not have any insurance so we decided the best thing
would be for us to get married now and we could finally start
celebrating these great new changes that were taking place.

We moved to Alpharetta and had changed care givers several times until
we found a place that would help us have the natural birth that we
wanted, including a water birth, which I always dreamed about having.
I took a bradley class as well as hypnobirthing, wanting to have as
much knowledge as I could for my first birth.

The baby was so healthy throughout the pregnancy. He always had a
healthy heart beat, kicking and moving around a lot and all the tests
were coming out great. But as we got closer to my due date my blood
pressure kept rising. They begin to be worried I would develop
pre-eclimpsia (pregnancy induced high blood pressure- which they say
can lead to strokes and seizures). I took a blood test and it came out
normal but again my blood pressure kept rising. On Monday May 21rst I
went in and it was higher than ever before so they admitted me into
the hospital and ran a lot more tests including a 24 hour urine
collection. After the tests were run they said that I was borderline
pre-eclimptic and they said I could go home but I was on bed rest and
would have to see the doctor twice a week to keep a good check on me.
I did what they said and went home and laid around until Friday May 25th.

On Friday we went in to the doctor to get me checked and again my
blood pressure was higher than ever and now I had protein in my urine
(another sign of pre-eclimpsia). I was 36.5 weeks along so they said
they were going to induce me. I called my mom to head in from
Louisiana and had her call my family to tell them all what was going
on. I went in and they got me settled and put cervadil inside me to
get my cervix ready for a 6am induction the next morning. The whole
time Ethan seemed to be doing great, they were all more worried about
my health than his. The cervadil had caused me to start having
contractions, though I was told these were not real contractions. At
one point they had me drink 4 cups of apple juice to wake Ethan up
since he had been sleeping for a while. His heartbeat was still good
but he wasn't active which is unusual for a baby they said. After
drinking and having his father read to him (we read to him every night
which always made him kick and move) he started moving again. We
decided we needed to sleep for the early induction but my contractions
had increased and were getting worse. We asked them to take the
cervadil out early so I could sleep; they did at 12:30am. At that
point I was 0cm dilated. My contractions got so much worse that I
didn't think I was going to make it through the natural childbirth I
had planned. Around 2am that morning my water broke and they checked
me and I was 5cm dilated now. At this point I had been having the urge
to push but they told me not to because it would swell my cervix and
create the need to have a c-section, but I couldn't stop pushing no
matter how hard I tried.

They moved me into a room with a birthing pool and let me get in. At
this point I don't remember any pain, my body had kicked in doing what
it needed to, and no drugs were needed. When I was in the water the
nurse had trouble finding the heartbeat but I never really knew or was
aware of what was going on. My husband did and just tried not to look
worried so I wouldn't worry. When my midwife came in at 3:30 that
morning she checked me and I was 10cm dilated and told me I could
push, which was a relief because I was trying hard not to but never
could stop myself. They had me get out of the birthing pool because
they couldn't find Ethan's heartbeat. They did 2 internal fetal
monitors and still couldn't find his heartbeat. They tried to do a
vacuum suction but I was pushing him out better than it worked, so I
just continued pushing. In between pushes (which wasn't much time)
they did a quick episiotomy so we could get him out quickly and with
the next push his head was out and then his body. He was born at 4am
on May 26,2007. They took him away immediately; he never cried. I
still didn't realize anything was wrong and kept asking my husband if
he was beautiful, he didn't know what to say. They put an IV in and
gave me some drug and pitocin and as my midwife was sewing me up the
doctor came and and told us our baby had died.

The drugs kept me from realizing what had happened but my husband just
started crying. I felt so badly for him. Soon after they brought Ethan
in and we got to hold him. He was so beautiful. We spent a day and a
half with him holding him and loving him. It was hardest thing to have
to say goodbye and leave him at the hospital the next day.

They told us they suspect it was an abruption (when the placenta
separates from the uteran wall) though we will never be 100% sure. It
was a hidden one, so I never bled or showed any signs that it had
happened. They said by the time the midwife came Ethan was already
dead. They aren't sure why it happened but they said it could have
been brought on by the pre-eclimpsia. They did say the abruption was
why I went into such a speedy labor (3.5 hrs).

We got Ethan cremated and have a memorial set up on our mantle. We
also got necklaces that hold a small bit of his ashes so we can have
him physically near us at all times.

I want to try again some day, but my husband is a bit scared. He
somehow thinks this happening meant he was not supposed to be a father
but I assure you he would have been the best father and I still
consider him a father as well as I am a mother.

I have been drawing and writing, and even write conversations with
Ethan in one of my journals. I like talking to him. I still sing the
song I sang to him when he was in my belly and we still read to him
every night. I hope he can hear us and know how much we love him.