Thanks Sherry for the kind and encouraging words.
I have great hope that she will come out of this eventually. She has already
made improvements from last year. Last year she spoke to no outsider even in
her own home. This year she will speak to children who come to our house, but
not in school. Her psychologist is recommending starting her on medication to
help the behavioral intervention. This makes me a bit uneasy and my husband
completely flipped out; that's one of the reasons he is so against me taking her
to see Dr. Kurtz. I discussed this with a psychologist friend who advocated the
medication. Did your daughter ever take meds?
I feel that I am making huge decisions on my own, without my husband's approval
and it makes me feel guilty. I hate to feel like I am going behind his back,
but on the other hand, he does not support or understand the diagnosis despite
the fact that he came with me to talk to the doctor on consultation.
If the intervention doesnt work, I will feel like I wasted money and went
against my husband. On the other hand, if I dont do it, I will never forgive
myself for not doing more to help her.
Only Moms of SM kids understand.
Thanks for sharing,
Victoria

Sherry Heckman <sherryheckman@...> wrote:
Hello Victoria,

Again, I don't respond much to this group, but your situation hits home as
well, so I thought I should respond. I understand your situation. My
husband had no understanding my daughter's SM either. It is a completely
heartbreaking feeling. I wonder if you feel like I did, and think that he
thinks you are making this all up or overreacting to the situation. I was
completely alone for a very long time in dealing with Kayla's SM. I can
remember the time in kindergarten, when I first got the term SM from the
school psychologist and my daughter's possible diagnosis and starting
researching it on my own. I went to my in-laws that day and told them I
finally had answers as to what was wrong with my daughter, and my mother in
law said "I didn't know there was anything wrong with her" in a very
sarcastic voice. I completely lost it and started yelling at her
saying....no one believes there is a thing wrong with this child, not you,
her father or anyone. I explained to her that she was suffering terribly in
school and could not interact or speak with any of the children. This was a
turning point in her understanding, but it still took longer for her to see
the things I did. For my husband, it took someone else, her kindergarten
teacher and the school psychologist to state what they were seeing in my
daughter, for him to finally start to understand. The complete understand
came when we consulted with Dr. Shipon-Blum and he got to hear from her how
typical my daughter's behavior and actions were compared to other children
she had treated with SM. It finally helped him realize this was a real
disorder and issue we needed to deal with. That may be what you need. If
you have an opportunity to set up a meeting with the preschool teacher and
can make sure your husband attends, explain to the teacher before hand that
your husband does not see the issue at hand. Maybe then, he will see it in
a different light. I also think it is harder for men to accept the fact
that something could be wrong with their child. I am not sure of the
reason for this though.

Just continue to do the best you can for your daughter. I am sure you
understand that SM is not something a child can overcome over night. It
sounds as though you are doing well in preparing her for kindergarten. Just
make sure you start the transition process in the spring to her new school.
Take her to the school several times over the summer and visit her classroom
as much as you can. Also allow her to meet her new teacher and spend a
little time with her, before school starts. If your daughter is not as far
along in her progress as you would like her to be by the end of this school
year, just keep hanging in there and continue to be understanding and
supportive. It is very hard to not get frustrated ourselves with the very
slow progress our children make. But just try to keep the positive focus.
Those baby steps usually lead to bigger steps down the road.

To give you a ray of hope, my daughter is now in 4th grade. She is very
social with her many friends, but still has some struggles in the classroom.
Everyone in the school is very understanding of her, because of my advocacy
I have done on her behalf, in the school. Last spring, she decided she
wanted to sign up for cheerleading in the fall. I was completely shocked by
this, but decided that if she wanted to do this, I was not going to take
that experience and opportunity away from her. About one month ago,
cheerleading practice started up and she was on the team. She absolutely
loved it, but also struggled at practice. I continued to take her because
she wanted to be a part of it, and her coach was very understanding of her
and did not push her. The first game was last week, and she could not
perform. She stood with the group through the entire game not doing a
thing. As much as it broke my heart, I was so proud that she had come this
far in wanted to do this. She did decide that she wanted to quit after the
game, so after a long talk, my husband decided to let her give it up. It
really hurt him, more then me to watch her just stand there (you could say I
have more conditioning to her situation then him). I would have liked her
to stick it out, for at least one more game, to see if it would get easier
for her, but he already gave her the okay to quit. As disappointed as I am
in the fact that she could not do this, I have to look at in another way.
Three years ago, she would have never attempted to take on such a big step
like cheerleading. Just one more step forward in her ability to grow as a
person. Had I not let her try cheerleading, I would had held her back from
experiencing life in a new way. She did come home on Monday from school, as
ask for me to sign her up for basketball. That was too much for me though.
I should let her try it, but I told her maybe next year she could do it. So
now we signed her up for music lessons at school to learn how to play the
flute. I thought that might be more her speed, then basketball would be.
So remember....there is great hope down the road for your daughter to
flourish, even if it is at a much slower pace then other children.
Appreciate each tiny step forward.

Take care Victoria.

Sherry

13, 2003 8:58 AM
To: selectivemutismsupportgroup2@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Re: [Selective Mutism Support Group] Help fpr my daughter


Hi, I read your email and can totally relate to your story.
I find that dealing with my own husband is frustrating. I started taking
her to a child psycologist who is an expert on SM. My husband is opposed to
this because he thinks there is nothing wrong with her. Thats because he
sees how talkative and normal she is at home. He doesnt see her in
preschool or birthday parties the way I do.
It's frustrating to deal with her problems all on my own. But I am going
to continue to get her the help she needs. She is in her last year of
preschool (4 years) and I want her well for kindergarten. That is my goal
Good Luck with your daughter
Victoria



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