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Hello Tanya,
What you are feeling is completely normal. At least to me. We lost our son Nathaniel when I was 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant. When we got pregnant again with my dd I was a nervous wreck. I didn't try to bond with my daughter until week 20 in our pregnancy. The only time I did say something I think was Mothers Day. I said " If you are going to die do it now because I can't bare to deliver your lifeless body too". I kept thinking what a horrible thing to say but it is truly how I felt at the time. It was hard to ignore my dd because she was/is full of energy and demands attention. Olivia was born at 29 weeks and still I was afraid. The doctors kept telling me she was doing well and that she would come home. I was still nervous. After all they said my son was doing well and that I had a normal pregnancy and I ended up burying him. I remember my daughter was 3 weeks old and my mother told me "Take
the cloths out of the bag and wash them. Your daughter is sitting up in that hospital with only a diaper on. Snap out of it." I obeyed but we still didn't buy a crib until January. She was born in September. I guess it is safe to say it took awhile before I let my mind feel safe in the fact that I could keep her. That she was really ours to love and raise on this earth.
Tanya Mitchell <tanyamitchell@...> wrote:
Hi all:
My name is Tanya and I am not sure if I have met any of you all via SHARE but I too am so happy this group has been formed! Finally, I can talk to someone about how I feel and they won't think I am crazy...
In February of 2005, when I was 21 weeks, I went to a regular doctor's appt. The dr was checking for the baby's heartbeat and it was not there. He then did an ultrasound and we saw our lifeless baby on the screen. My life at that point took a turn. I made it through that rough period of my life thanks to all of the people at SHARE.
Well now, I am pregnant again. We are due in January and none of my friends can not understand why I am not extremely excited. I am happy and I feel very blessed but honestly, I am scared. When I discovered I located the box that I I kept all of Kayden's things. Kayden was my son, my little angel! I found the pregnancy journal and books ...tons of things. I also found a journal that I did not write in. I thought great I can use it for this baby. Do you know I am scared to write in the journal. I know it is irrational but I feel if I start a journal, I will end up loosing this baby as well. I do not feel as attached as I did with Kayden. I feel like I am a bad mommy to be..... I do love this child and I pray that he/she makes it here safely and healthy. I am scared to form a bond because that pain was unbelievable I do not want to experience that again. Ladies, how do I get to the point where I am not worrying? How do I become attached to this pregnancy? Why can't other understand that I am nervous and why do they judge when they have never been in my shoes? When I went for my first ultrasound, I was shaking. I had flashbacks from when I saw Kayden's lifeless, no heartbeat! When I heard this baby's heartbeat I just cried and cried... Any advice would be so greatly appreciated! Thanks for letting me get this out!
Tanya
"Happiness is a journey not a destination; therefore, Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt and Dance like noone is watching"...
"T"
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