me and josh had Joseph Michael Cox a.k.a Joey on 4/23/09 he was our third
baby..we have two children makayla who is 5 and nathan who is 2 they are living
and healthy...ok joey was born and he was healthy as ever i took him home two
days after being in the hospital and we slept on the couch because it was easier
for me after my 3rd c-section to get off of and i always slept with my babies on
the couch for the first 5 weeks they all were breastfed too. i never ever
thought one of my babies who pass away from co sleeping by accidental
asphyxiation i still don't and probably won't ever know if he did it himself or
if i laid on him by accident i do know that when i woke up he was face down but
i was not on him i just don't know?? anyways..today has been 14 days since we
lost our beautiful healthy baby boy who was 28 days old and my heart is just
torn apart...all i have left is som of his hair they gave me he had a ton of it
too! the last 2 outta 3 things he wore his blanket,nuki,burp cloth,pics,and
socks (they still smell like him too for now) i haven't taken down his bed or
anything in his room he would 've shared with his brother...i have everything he
wore and used in his crib...he had a bassinet he took naps in in the livingroom
we took down b/c of our 2 year old my fiance didnt want nathan asking and
upsetting me by asking weres the baby?? but i have all these emotions going on
and everyone keeps telling me it's normal but is it normal to want a baby now??
i mean i dont and will never replace our angel b/c that is not possible i just
want a baby to fill my arms but i dont want to see any babies or anything i
can't even leave my house alone without getting really babd anxiety is that
normal? but i knew i would regret tieing my tubes and i really do now! i dont
want anyone to ever think by me wanting another baby like i'm trying to replace
joey b/c thats not true i always wanted 4 kids and now i have 2 living 1 angel
and i just want 1 more so i know i can protect my babies b/c i feel like i
failed as a mom beacause my baby is gone i know i didnt do anything wrong i did
what i always did but why did my baby have to die?? i just don't understand
why?just why? i know i will never know why? will i ever be able to leave the
house one day?? will i ever be able to have another baby without finding 10-20
grand to get untied? i'm hoping for a miricale to become pregnant without
getting my tubes untied! does that make me a horrible or selfish person to want
another baby (blessing)?? i just don't know i can't even concentrate on one
thing! and will i ever picture my baby joey like he was before he passed away?
all i see when i close my eyes at night is how i found him next to me just
lifeless and in the hospital already gone...will these images ever go away?? i
look at his pics all the time and just cry and ask why us? does anyone have
these same thoughts and images of their baby like i do or am i crazy?? i just
wish i could take it all back and do it all different starting with my oldest,
but i thought i was just doing what i always did it felt right to me to sleep
with my babies evryone i know and seen growing up breastfed and co sleep with
there babies! i just wish my angel was here in my arms and i could see him
grow,kiss his booboos, and just see what type of personality he would've
had....thanks for listening to me ramble this is all still new and shocking to
me...

randi

makayla living and healthy 5 1/2
nathan living and healthy 2
joey our angel watching us 4/23/09-5/21/09