Kathy:

Thanks SO much for your reply. It has put things a bit more in
perspective for me and allowed me to stop second-guessing my own
ideas about what's going on with Laurie.

Yes, I hae read "Allies in Healing." It was EXTREMELY helpful. It's
been a couple of years since I finished it and I think it would
probably be helpful for me to go back and re-read some of it. I
remember reading it and desperately hoping that Laurie and I wouldn't
end up being the partners who split up - that we'd actually make it.
And, here I am - split up from her against my consent and wondering
what happened.

Laurie told me several months ago that she read "Courage to Heal"
years ago. I don't know if she really did or not. I borrowed it
from a friend and gave it to Laurie but she got kind of mad at me and
so I took it back. I also got her "Allies in Healing" and she said
she read some of it. It seemed to help her understand what I was
going through a little but that understanding didn't last long.

I often wonder - what was it about me that seemed to encourage Laurie
to go for therapy and start facing her past? She's had other people
pass in and out of her life. A 15 year relationship before me that
ended in disaster. A close friend who died right before I met her.
What was it about me, you know? Why was I the one to open Pandora's
box, so to speak, and end up with all the heartache associated with
that? All I've even thought through these 4 years is - Laurie will
heal - she HAS to heal. This can't be for nothing. I've earned the
right to be with the healed Laurie - the new Laurie. All this
heartache and hurt and broken promises - they can't be for nothing.
Was that wrong of me to think that way? To want to reap the benefits
of what I was sowing?

I've talked with Laurie several times since April 16th which was "the
day" she split up with me... broke things off... whatever you want to
call it. The first time didn't go well. I basically yelled at her
and kept repeating the "how could you" accusation. The second time
was me crying and her telling me to go away. That was awful, too. I
went home with swollen eyes and a headache and no answers. I briefly
saw her after that and things seemed better. Then I went to see her
again and things ended up in disaster again. Me crying ... her
yelling ...

She told me the last time that she's "over" her past. That it no
longer upsets her and she no longer thinks about it. In the same
breath she called her perp (who was a neighbor) a bastard. So, I
know there's no way she could have dealt with things yet. She's so
angry. It comes out of her pores sometimes. She's very negative and
self-loathing. That can't be someone who is "over" her past.

What you said about her being in a 4-year old's emotional state does
make sense. I've said to myself over and over in the last few years
that it's as if I'm dealing with a child. All the tantrums and when
we try to discuss issues, she either yells at me or gets sarcastic or
mimics me. Sometimes it's as if she's a teenager, too - rebellious
and angry and testing me. I keep wondering and have kept wondering -
when will the adult Laurie show her face? How long will this child
phase last? She said to me once that she never got to be a kid and
now she's going through her child years. Ok - great. But, when will
it be time for Laurie to grow up?

You say Laurie fears abandonment and I can see that - a little. She
said something to me once about how everyone she loves leaves her.
And, she's always been positive I was going to find someone else.
Yet at the same time, she used to tell me constantly that she
wouldn't "fight" for me if someone else came into my life. That it
was more important for her that I be happy than to fight for our
relationship. I never understood that. It made me feel as if I
wasn't WORTH fighting for in her eyes. And, she's so damn
independent. How can someone that independent also be afraid of
abandonment?

You described the rollarcoaster ride really well - climbing to the
top during times of happiness only to plunge in times of doubt,
leaving us both screaming. What has hurt me so much is I know our
intimate times have been mutual and that they were REAL. But, it
seems each time... give it a few days or a few weeks later... she
would tell me that she only "gave in" to me because she knew that I
wanted it. And, I would feel so cheap and used, even though deep in
my heart I KNEW that our times together weren't fake. Why would she
say such a hurtful thing? I've always felt like her "dirty little
secret."

You also said that she's focusing on "going to Hell" for being gay as
a way of not dealing with her past. That does make sense. She's a
very clinical, logical person who would rather deal with facts and
figures than with her feelings. How long will this last? I mean,
she's not going to get a "true" answer to this question - ever.
Doesn't it boil down to what SHE believes anyway? I mean, she can't
focus on this question forever and deny dealing with her past, can
she? But, it does make sense that this is a good "reason" for her to
push me away and deny her feelings for me.

I asked her the last time we talked if she'd just fallen out of love
with me and she said she "must have." She said maybe it was all just
a physical attraction, which made me feel even worse. I felt sick
inside when she said that. I mean, how awful is that to say that to
someone? How mean can she be? She then said it was "over" and for
me to "get over it." She said things between us were too damaged and
she didn't feel we could ever fix things or that it was worth it to
her to fix things between us. That cut me to the core when she said
that. To me, nothing short of death is ever impossible and
everything is worth it.

Our relationship has been crazy. There's been a lot of violent
fights and thrown objects and horrible language and hurtful words and
actions. Neither of us trust the other person. To her - love
shouldn't be so hard. To me - sometimes things that are worth the
effort are the hardest. She can't see my point of view and I can't
see hers. We only tried joint therapy once. I think it would have
been really helpful but her work schedule kept getting in the way. I
don't think she really wanted to try.

I also don't understand this "authority figure" issue with
survivors. She seems to attach some kind of "love" to people of
authority in her life, as if she idolizes them, even when she may not
even like them. Her boss when I first met her (ironically my boss
for awhile, which is how we met)... Susan... was very nasty. A
horrible woman. Rude and uncouth. But, in a high-powered position
and made lots of money and had the entire organization running scared
of her. Laurie supposedly couldn't stand Susan and would cry to me
(literally cry) about how awuful Susan was to her and how Susan
didn't like her and she was sure she was going to be fired. After
months of hearing how rotten Susan was (which I believed, having
worked for her briefly), I stumbled upon a notebook in Laurie's
house. Turns out it was a journal and in it I found pages dedicated
to Susan. She wrote things about how she dreamed of Susan's kisses
and wanted Susan to touch her. She wrote about Susan's blue eyes and
on and on. I was devastated. We hadn't even been dating a year.
All the things she was writing about Susan I'd been longing for her
to say about ME. I confronted her and she was tearful and claimed
she didn't want to feel those things. She later took the journal to
her therapist who explained the feelings away as being associated
with "authority figures" and her not being able to deal with them in
a healthy way. I STILL DON'T GET IT. Maybe I should have walked
away at that point and told Laurie to figure herself out and call me
when she had. But, I stayed, even though it destroyed all the trust
I had for her. And, it didn't end there. There have been other
women after that. No infidelity that I know of - but "thoughts," if
that makes sense. Enough so that I feel she has more feelings for
these other women than she does for me.

The last "women" was involved in our breakup. This is someone Laurie
also used to work for. Now she just keeps her horse at this womans'
barn. She's always claimed to not like her or respect her. This
woman is also loud and rude and uncouth. Someone Laurie wouldn't
normally associate with. However, on the night this all happened,
she stook behind this woman with her arms crossed and a group of this
woman's friends looking on... and let this woman tell me that it was
over between Laurie and me. This woman even ripped aluminum foil up
in my face to make her point. I was completely heartbroken and
humiliated and didn't know how to react or what to do.

I'm trying to move on with my life while keeping some hope for Laurie
and I alive. I'm struggling between anger and sadness and blame and
wanting to get revenge and missing her all at the same time. I think
about her all the time, wondering if she's hurting too or misses me.
I hope to someday hear from her again but I'm afraid I never will,
even though you said she'll need to reconnect with me again at some
point. I know miracles can happen and maybe in a few years she'll
have healed to the point where she may want to try with me again.
But, right now I have an overwhelming feeling of desolation and
abandonment. I feel used and discarded.