Kathy,

You are an amazing and wonderful person.

Your work on this board gives light to many of us. Your wisdom is so
enormous; and being an 'enlightened' survivor, you seem able to
communicate in words that our partners can understand and grab hold
of - this is an incredible gift.

Terri-Lynn: Your posting sounded so familiar to me. We partners get
frustrated at times - and normally when we try to talk things
through with our partner-survivors; they explode at us, ignore the
subject. So we don't talk - so there's a permanent communication
deficit. We sometimes get our gripes out here - but we're here
because we love our partners and are doing everything we can to
survive in relationships where no matter how much love we give, we
are seen as the enemy. Kathy's words ring so true - our partner-
survivors cannot love us consistently; and cannot accept our love
because they do not love themselves. Please....love
yourself...you're worth it - not a single survivor deserved what
happened to them in any way; and in particular no survivor is
responsible. Life is a beautiful, and unfortunately short
thing...it's wonderful - please - grasp the nettle. Grab at life -
open your heart to Chris and go for love full tilt. It might bite a
little here and there - but it WILL be worth it.





S and I have been through the washing lately. Discovering that
our 'therapist' was just trying to get us into a lifelong cycle of
self-release courses and eastern meditation con using horrible
underhand manipulations was shocking.

It has undone much of S's progress as she is not sure now if she, or
the 'therapist' made the progress; and indeed if it was backwards of
forwards.

He programmed her (and tried on me) so well that any kind of
togetherness was negative that she struggles to see positivity in
what we have now.

She tries; but day to day, she believes that when we have fun
together it's 'negative love' or 'co-dependence.'

Many times I tried to tell her; and she herself knew there was
something wrong with the therapist. She often commented how much
easier it was to read your postings than listen to their rubbish.

But, of course, because I advised her to give up on him; being a CSA
victim, she HAD to do the opposite. When we met him, I knew there
was something dodgy, but I had no idea, clue or even thought that
these LGAT things could be cult-like in their underhand customer-
capturing tactics. The therapist was just horrific what he did. We
went to see him as two loving people - any warm human could have
seen the love we had, albeit concealed by a raft of problems that I
am sure come down to CSA. He just picked, and picked and picked away
at our love - he kept trying to get us to split. Euch. Euch. Euch.
The things he did and said - shocking. He even hugged S at one point
(Now she tells me!!!!). When she tried prostitution he said "At
least you got some money." He asked us to get our parents to pay to
go on this course. And the worst part is, in my desperation to get S
not to try prostitution, I urged her to try the course.

100% no doubt: the combination of his therapy, including subtle
hypnotism tactics, rage tactics (beat the pillow etc),
depersonalisation/disassociation techniques and the constant
undermining of her love for me; combined with her conflicting desire
to seek me out and try again for love threw her into some kind of
temporary madness.

The more I reflect, the more I now wonder if it wasn't all part of
the sale tactic to make her mad; to make me push her to do the
course - everything else was so staged.

I tire of S doing the opposite of my advice; suspecting my every
word. She is trying...but goodness...this is hard work!

Thanks again Kathy. I think I will try to being us back here to find
strength, love and hope through this.

You seem to blaze a path to healing - you illuminate the way forward.

WHat about a book???

Cheers,


S








--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "Kathy"
<randomname@m...> wrote:
> Welcome, Terri Lynn. Please don't think you have to explain or
> justify anything you do (or don't do) in this space. In the
process
> of healing, we sometimes have to pull our focus inward, and to
those
> on the outside, it may seem we are neglecting some areas of our
life,
> when we are putting our energies where they need to be at that
time.
>
> One important thing you need to see is how much Chris really does
> want to understand what is going on with you, and to help...
that's
> why he comes to this board. He doesn't intend to get things
wrong...
> on the contrary, he is searching for answers and ways to provide
> support-- for you, and for the two of you as a partnership.
>
> You are not to blame for anything that has happened to you... you
> know that consciously, but you need to understand that, inside
> yourself. Chris knows this... we know this... but what matters
most
> of all is that you believe it-- truly KNOW in the core of your
being
> that you did not deserve what happened to you, and you were not
> responsible for what happened. It may seem like a punishment, but
it
> is a punishment you do not deserve. Please acknowledge how strong
you
> are for having endured all of this... and for being able to face
what
> is to come.
>
> It is wonderful that there is something medically that can be done
> for you.
>
> Who expects you to be "perfect"... ? Not Chris-- he has posted
here
> for a long time, and he loves you dearly. Survivors (and humans in
> general) can be their own worst enemy at times--- you are harder
on
> yourself than anyone else ever could be. You need to understand
that
> you only have to be yourself... however you are. Acknowledge your
own
> innocence in all that happened to you. Forgive yourself for being
> hard on yourself and thinking you are less worthy, or imperfect.
You
> are as perfect as you need to be--- and with some medical
> interventions, you will have less pain and other problems related
to
> the hydrocephalus. Don't give yourself any other pain, from self-
> defeating attitudes and self-doubt and self-loathing.
>
> Regarding the "cologne issue": misunderstandings happen. You are
> reading waaaaaay too much into this situation... but don't beat
> yourself up over that. Forgive yourself and Chris for this
> misunderstanding, and let it go. In the scheme of Life,
this "cologne
> issue" is something I recognize as a survivor-tactic to distract
> yourself from anything real that is going on-- anything of
> consequence. Chris cares very much for you, or he would not be
> posting on this board (as I said before). Please recognize that
> fixating on this cologne issue is a self-defeating behavior.
>
> You said, "Personally I wish if I was going to be blamed for
> something that my step-father caused... mainly hydrocephalus then
I
> wish this condition would have taken my life long ago." You have a
> man who loves you... all who post here can see this. I hope all
who
> read this, who don't have personal experience with csa either as a
> survivor or as a partner, will see how blind to themselves a
survivor
> can be--- and how much the perp takes. Here is a young woman who
is
> blind to her own worth, and blind to the love that is in her life
> because she has not yet learned to love herself. She can't love
> herself, because as a child she was fed to a monster. And she
cannot
> recognize real love, cannot forgive herself (for things for which
she
> was never responsible), and batters herself alternately with self-
> pity and self-loathing. She is letting her perp slam her, over and
> over again. And we stand by helpless, wishing we could hug her and
> tell her she is strong and wonderful and deserving of all that is
> good in this life.