Your tale is known first-hand by many who have posted here since this
board began. Knowledge of events that were held protectively inside
your wife for those wonderful years of partnership between you, have
now bubbled to the surface, and she is looking that over (in an
unconscious-way) and comparing it to the reality of her life. You
speak of the struggles you and your wife had, to make your life what
it is now... and perhaps that distracted her, for a while, from
looking at some things in her past. It may be that such things don't
come to the surface until we are ready to cope with them.

Human beings learn "what love is" from their initial caretakers--
usually their parents. Your wife was given the wrong template. Her
confusion right now and her desire for violent sex suggests to me
that violence was what she experienced... and probably violence with
pleasure mixed in (orgasm). My guess is that she is not a violent
person, and this seems like "a dark side"... whereas, sex between the
two of you had been gentle and loving--- an expression of her
personality as you know her to be. Sex is an expression of ourselves.
I'm not being judgmental here, but when someone who isn't a mean-
spirited, sadistic person needs S/M, I assume it's because that's the
template they were given, for love-- they were abused in such a way,
by a trusted adult, and this is what feels like love to them. It's
also what they feel they deserve. In my opinion, it would be
destructive to your relationship with your wife to indulge her
violent fantasies. It would violate YOU, in that this is not your
nature, and it violates HER, because it not only isn't her nature but
feeds into her self-loathing.... it gives her a re-run of the
violence that was done to her by one who should have taught her what
love is really all about.

Your wife needs to come to the understanding that what she deserves
is what you offer--- what you had together for so many years. In some
respects, it's as though you are "the parent"-- you have taught her
gentleness and trust and kindness and respect. You have given her the
proper template for love, and now she is figuring out what to do with
that. As you know, this is stuff she has to do on her own... while
you are there, waiting for the woman you love to find herself.

Meanwhile, you are asking "what about ME?" and needing to be held and
loved and appreciated. You seem to be asking for permission
to "stray". You have had a physical relationship with a woman you
loved with all your heart... would sex be the same with someone
else....? Would it be the same with a total stranger you picked up in
a bar? For sex to be "good" (IMHO) it has to be part of a caring
relationship... and if you "care" for the person with whom you are
having a relationship (who isn't your wife), wouldn't that become
really mucky over time? You may lose respect for yourself.

Sexual abuse is an insidious thing: it works destruction in a
mushrooming-fashion, unless it is stopped. At this point in your
wife's life and in your marriage, the perp is working on her again.
Don't let him work on you. This is just my opinion, but I believe you
should look very hard at stepping outside the marriage for sexual
gratification, at this point. If you are the man you seem to be, it
would be a hollow experience for you... what you want is the woman
you love, not sex per se. And even if you wife says, "go for it", she
may be thinking "he's abandoning me" and also "this is what I
deserve".

If you haven't already read "Allies in Healing" or some of the other
books written for partners of those who have been sexually abused,
that might be helpful for you. And read past-posts on this board, if
you haven't done so... and wait for replies from those who have been
living with much the same as you. As similar as "the stories" may be,
all are unique because each of us is unique. I find that I do best if
I am true to myself, and follow my heart.