I'm new to the group. I'm from Canada. I'm gay. I hope this won't
offend anyone. I just started a relationship with a man who is
a "survivor" (although I now question whether he is one or not).
Early on when he revealed his trauma, I urged him to seek therapy.
Ironically, I'm the one going to seek a therapist. I'm glad that
there is this group, because whenever I'm feeling down, I just read
the messages, and I don't feel alone in this world.

My therapist made a good point with me. I allow my "friend" - we'll
call him John, to be a victim, in subtle ways, in my caring, love for
him, I give him the message that he can't do things for himself - his
self-image is very low; She says I have to set boundaries in the
relationship, and I am trying to do so. Hopefully this will work.
My point is, Imsinginintherain, with all due respect, because I
haven't gone that far, I think you should start looking at yourself -
who's the victim - you or your wife - are you victimizing yourself?
Do you want your us or your wife to feel "sorry" for you. I apologize
for being so blunt, but these are the issues I am presently dealing
with.

My notes to myself for my therapist -- John wants a security blanket -
do I want to be his security blanket?
-- I make myself a victim in my
relationships --- but I don't want to be a victim.

Through dealing with John, I am reviewing all of my relationships. I
love him deeply, but I won't enable him to "victimize" himself, and
therefore "victimize" me. I am setting reasonable boundaries --- he
seems to be responding. Only time will tell, but I don't think I can
wait 10 years. I can still "love" him, but I need to "love myself"
first.

Touch is really a touchy subject, but I am going to deal with this.

Paul

P.S. -= can someone tell me when there is prime time chat.




positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "imsinginintherain2"
<imsinginintherain2@y...> wrote:
> --- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com,
> "imsinginintherain2 <imsinginintherain2@y...>"
> <imsinginintherain2@y...> wrote:
> > Life's a bitch isn't it. I too have been tempted to go outside
our
> > marriage, thus far I haven't. Though a woman lawyer I know wants
to
> > go to lunch with me; it she is not strickly business things could
get
> > tricky.
> >
> > How long does it take to heal? God only knows. The key in my
mind is
> > are our partners working hard to heal. After 10 years it seems to
me
> > it is time for them to buck up and get on with their lives.
Better
> > scramble the first time you say that. Actually, my wife said that
is
> > what she is trying to do in therapy - always a good sign.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "sway4
> > <sway4@y...>" <sway4@y...> wrote:
> > > wow what timing,
> > >
> > > i go in and out. this is for the rest of our lives!!!
> > > if she would have had only a short experience maybe not, but it
> > went
> > > on for ten years. and now i am begining to find out that it was
> > alot
> > > worse than i expected. that sob!!
> > >
> > > she is on the path to healing. most of my life i have given up
and
> > > sacrificed for others. which has left me with a feeling of not
> > > knowing let alone being myself.
> > >
> > > i can't just talk to her. i have carfully craft my words so as
not
> > > to upset her. she told me yesterday that i was a bad father. i
am
> > > not. and later that day she apoligized. there have been so many
> > > things that she has said that can't be taken back. but, i know
now
> > > that it is the affects of her trama. so i have nothing that i
can
> > > really talk about at home without either lying about my
opinions or
> > > being incitive. she has been thru so much, and she is so brave.
> > but,
> > > i am losing myself. and i can't do it anymore.
> > >
> > > and then there is sex. we have talked. but it doesn't make a
> > > difference. there is still alot of memories/years that she
doesn't
> > > remember. i can tell when she is having a flashback. it is
alot
> > > more then she thinks. and when i touch her now all i can think
is
> > > that i am triggering her. we can have sex as long as she is the
> > > instigator. if i lay there doing very little she is alright,
but if
> > > move the wrong way....well you know the rest. i have this
> > reoccuring
> > > feeling that i want to find out what it is like to be with a
woman
> > > that doesn't have the hang-ups. for the last few months this
> > feeling
> > > makes me feel very mad at myself. but now i realize that
reality of
> > > my feelings and this feeling won't go away and i don't feel mad
at
> > > myself for feeling it. i won't.
> > >
> > > this is going to be very hard for her. and if she has got to
deal
> > > with me on top of that. wow. i couldn't do it. so i am looking
out
> > > to ten years from now and my worst nightmare is that nothing
really
> > > changes. or gets worse. and i don't think i can do this and she
can
> > > scence it. i guess i am a coward.
> > >
> > > i feel like i have a roomate not a wife. i feel like someone
stole
> > > my wife, and i know it is the past.
> > >
> > > i have been faithfull,but i don't know how long i can keep it
up.
> > > and that scares me more then anything. i don't want to add to
her
> > > pain. but, i am important also. and it is not my fault either.
> > >
> > > we have always been friends and it is my belief that we need to
> > just
> > > be friends for a while. but, she is not ready for that. so i
will
> > > wait. any talk of it causes her to friek. really any talk
outside
> > > her box is lible to make her friek. we talked about me moving
out
> > > weeks ago and she was in agreement then. well now she thiks
> > > different. the only way i can see too possibly have something
is by
> > > stepping back/away.
> > >
> > > get this after 14 years she told me that she needed to make
sure
> > > that i wasn't just after her body. huh....after 14 years??? i
also
> > > know that her feeling are real. but at what point am i to be
> > > believed? if ever.
> > >
> > > my hat is off to you singing in the rain. and i am asking the
same
> > > questions of myself
> > >
> > > Sway, I know where you are coming from. For the better part of
10
> years my wife told me at least every 6 weeks that she wanted out. I
> was living with two different people. One who would go into rages
and
> tell me what a lousy father, husband, you name it, I was. Later she
> would apologize (if she remembered) and we would talk.
Increasingly,
> I became more intolerant of her moods and worked very hard to not
> engage her when she was what I labled the "B" person. It was not
> until she begin taking Xyprexa (sp?) which dealt with the psychosis
> turning her into the "B' person that she could recognize all I have
> contributed.
>
> I am sure that you are a good dad and I bet your kids rely on your
> stability to counterbalance your wife alot - even if they do not say
> so. One thing we have learned is that as we go so go the kids and as
> my wife goes so go the kids.
>
> As for sex, part of me very much wants to go outside our
relationship;
> however I do not even know how to begin - I am not a "ladies" man.
If
> someone fell into my lap I do not know how I would respond. At this
> point, I would feel like an awkward teenager it has been so long.
> > >
> > >
> > > --- In
> > >
positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "imsinginintherain2
> > > <imsinginintherain2@y...>" <imsinginintherain2@y...> wrote:
> > > > I am 52 years old. My wife and I have been together for 22
years
> > > and
> > > > married for 19. We have two boys ages 11 and 13 1/2. Our 13
1/2
> > > year
> > > > old is ADHD with severe emotional challenges. About 11 years
ago
> > > my
> > > > wife fell apart over abuse she suffered as a child.
Subsequently,
> > > she
> > > > was diagnosed as Bipolar Type II. Needless to say our
> > > relationship
> > > > has been under severe stress at times, yet we are still
together.
> > > The
> > > > following are some of my thoughts about why, and some of my
> > > concerns
> > > > for going forward.
> > > >
> > > > 1) I realize that life is not just about me. Most of the time
it
> > > is
> > > > not about me at all. Yes I have needs and wants to be
balanced
> > > with
> > > > the needs and wants of others.
> > > >
> > > > 2) At times I am certain that GOD is a bunch of crock, and at
> > > other
> > > > times I am just as certain that GOD is. While GOD does not
win
> > us
> > > > lotteries or determine who shall live or who shall die; I
believe
> > > > that GOD can help us find peace within ourselves. Prayer
helps.
> > > >
> > > > 3) Relationships require a huge amount of work to succeed.
> > > Throughout
> > > > most of our lives we continue to learn, change, and grow. We
> > never
> > > > know what life will throw at us. That true love makes being
in a
> > > > relationship easy is an aggregious falacy.
> > > >
> > > > 4) Limits have to be set. My wife is not entitled to take her
> > > anger
> > > > out on me for example. As important as open communication is,
> > some
> > > > things need to be talked about outside of the relationship
with a
> > > > friend or therapist.
> > > >
> > > > 5) My wife's illness and what happened to her is not about
me.
> > > > Focusing on my anger about all this is about me and not
giving my
> > > > wife support. Some close friends were told that their
daughter
> > may
> > > > have been raped as a child. The father became very angry and
> > > focused
> > > > on getting the person who did this. His wife responded that
he
> > was
> > > > making what happened to their daughter about him and was not
what
> > > > their daughter needed which was love.
> > > >
> > > > Things have improved alot between my wife and myself, but
going
> > > > forward there are still things in our relationship are issues
> > that
> > > > concern me. After a while all stories grow old and at some
> > point,
> > > > irrespective of what happened to them it becomes time to move
on
> > > with
> > > > ones life. My wife may not be at this point, but I am
starting to
> > > > feel she should be. Life to my wife is still about her. My
son's
> > > > struggles often get converted into her struggles. Finally, we
> > have
> > > > virtually no sexual relationship and I am finding it hard to
> > > remain
> > > > patient. I do let her know this. It makes her anxious, but
she
> > > also
> > > > realizes she needs to come to terms with her lack of interest.
> > > >
> > > > I hope this helps some of you guys out there. Whether I would
> > have
> > > > staid in our relationship if 11 years ago I had known what it
> > > would
> > > > be like is impossible to answer. I do know that at times life
has
> > > > been hell and at times exhilerating. Do I regret staying in
the
> > > > relationship? Sometimes, but mostly I am glad I stuck things
out.