What you describe in many ways are very classic symptoms other partners here
have had to deal with; yet one could also say a lot of people and relationships
go through similar challenges without the factor of past abuse.

If your plans include marriage and even if you are a professional therapist, I
would place limits as to what you can do in terms of bringing/coaxing emotions
out of her. Or, if helpful at some point in your marriage you can also attend
sessions to see how you can help, which is in addition to her getting individual
counsel.

Keep in mind, one person's idea of love and caring does always mean the same to
another, including whether it is something positive or wanted.

You are still responsible for and setting limits to your own actions; regardless
of what your partner asks you to be involved in.


--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "Erika" <femmband77@...>
wrote:
>
> Hello,
>
> I am brand new to this group, but I am searching for someone who can help me
understand what me and my partner are going through. We are both women in a
same sex relationship. We have been together for almost 3 years and plan to
marry in August. We are very happy together and we enjoy each other so much.
She has always been very honest about her past and the abuse from her step
father. And we speak openly about what happened. I believe she received very
little therapy at the time of discovery, but she did have some. However, the
effects of the abuse surface in our relationship often. It usually comes up
when there is a conflict of some sort.
>
> Often she will shut down during conflict and say she is "fine." I have
learned to hate this response. I know she is not fine and she knows it.
However, I feel like she wants me to read her mind and she wants me to know
exactly what I should do. We will spend days or hours of me comforting her and
coaxing her feelings out of her. It can be very painful and she can become
angry and mean towards me during the process.
>
> She will go through intense emotions where she feels I don't really love her
and that she isn't meeting my needs sexually. But, she does. I think she is
amazing and I love her more than anything. I tell her this, yet she is
unconvinced. She is constantly analyzing my behaviour trying to find places
where I have been unfaithful. She accuses me of having thoughts about other
women, even though that is not going on with me at all. Or she will accuse me
of being obsessed with other women's body parts. In these situations, I find
myself over analyzing my own behaviour, trying to see things from her
perspective. I end up feeling very confused and my self esteem plummets. Maybe
I am doing these things?? I don't think that I feel this way . . . But maybe
she is right?? I end up feeling like I have done something wrong and often feel
that I have particpated in something perverted. It is painful and horrible. I
hate that she believes these things about me and I know that they are not who I
am. But, it is so confusing for me and I feel very rejected in the process of
it all.
>
> I want to find ways to communicate with her so that she believes me and knows
that I love her and only her.
>
> Has anyone gone through these types of mis-communications and conflicts?? I
would love some advice on how you worked through it with your partners/spouses.
>
> Thank you for any help or advice.
>