I am so sorry for you and him. but I will only speak to you. I would first
suggest that you get a cople of good books and read up quickly. There are a
number of good ones for partners of survivors. read two at least, I would
suggest that you not let him know at this point. That is my opinion, not
professional advise.
Second, you may want to get some profeesional help for you. This stuff is a mine
field emotionally and potentially physically.

I would say that if he ever, ever, ever, ever, hurts you that you sheould leave
and never go back, never. That is again just my own stupid opinion. but having
you direcly affected by this abuse only serves to spread this cancer and truly
and deeply hurt you as he has been hurt. Remember "Hurt me once shame on you.
hurt me twice, shame on me!" While this is not to blame the survivor of repeated
abuse. it is a good caution for those who are at risk of the hazard not to
rationalize exposure to a second inexcusable event.

You are important and beautiful. Never forget that. You deserve love and to be
cherished.

unfortunately, anything you do actively has the potential of triggering him. You
cannot save him. You can listen and watch his pain, and in the lucid moments ou
can ask what you can do to help him, what does he want. Give him his control
back. but only of himself. Be sure not to let him control you.

Finally, ask yourself long and hard if you are able to deal with this. It is no
falure or betrayal to know your limits and stick to them. Protect yourself. be
yourself. if you can weather the storm and see the reward in the end, and are
strong not to get sucked down into the abyss, then you might feel ok staying,
but have no illusions, it will not be easy or fun. You probably will have many
nights of tears. I know though, that there are moments of joy, heightened by the
sense of betrayal that you may be able to walk through with him.

BE sure to focus on things you like to help you find your happiness. you cannot
be much good if you are falling apart because of his pain. it will only induce
more guilt in him.

I wish you the best and you can always contact me if you want to chat further.

Take care of yourself.

--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "desbabestr"
<desbabestr@...> wrote:
>
> my boyfriend told me in the beginning of our relationship that he had been
raped as a child when he attended summer camp. At the time I really thought
that he was okay with it, or had come to terms with it, but the last few months
he has began to think about it on the constant. The other night when he went to
the store he saw a man who looked like his rapist and he completely lost his
mind. It got so bad he went to bar and had 6 long island ice teas and who knows
what else, and then he continued to drive home drunk in the process. When he
got into bed he broke down, and I had to convince him that the man who raped him
as child was in jail and could never hurt him again (although he got away with
it)
>
> I am trying my best to support him because his family has no idea that it ever
happened, and he has no desire to tell them. I try to tell him that he has
every right to feel violated, and that it is not his fault, he was just a little
kid, he had no idea what to think.
>
> I have no idea where else to turn. He does not want to see a therapist or try
support groups, and this is starting to impact him physically. Should I let his
mother know what happened or will that make it worse? How do I get him on the
road to recovery? He is not the person I fell in love with anymore, how do I
help?
>