My brother, you have come a long way to focus on yourself and get your mind
right about who you are. I too, figured out how to eat right and lost 40 lbs in
the past 6 months.

As for your wife, I would recommend that you focus on you and the kids. What is
best for them and you. As much as you love her, you are also very clear in your
writing that your growth may also be a very deep trigger for her own feelings of
inadequacy and inability to be "good". Such a terrible cycle, if you pursue, I
would fear she retreats farther. That was true for my marriage and did not get
better when I stopped pursuing. she just stayed distant.

If her kids and you truly trust each other and they understand the value of your
stability and love, then focus on them. Separation is my next step only to
provide my wife with insurance coverage for a time.

For me, I learned that although I love my wife dearly, as the mother of my
children and for what we had at one point, I also know that I may be standing in
her way. Using a crutch too long is not healthy and can impair recovery. I feel
this is true for my relationship as well. So if I love her and staying close is
harmful, then I should be gone. very simple. Painful, but simple.

It also opens a whole new world. There are wonderful women who seek a good man,
though I like you sem to attract CSA survivors. I don't quite know why. my next
internal journey.

It is at this point when I think of the old addage: like a little butterfly, if
you love it let it go. if it will return, great, if not, you have known that
beauty. hold too tight will crush it.

I know how you feel writing these things, long and winding, the fatigue and
overthinking for so long takes its toll.

Learn to medidate. it seems to help me. a bit. make it simple, not religeous or
spiritua, just learn to relax and breath for 15 minutes a day.

Take care and write if you want to chat.


--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "s_has" <s_has@...> wrote:
>
>
> I don't even know where to begin. I'm married to (well now
> separated) a survivor. When we met I told her how I usually attracted
> women that had had some form of abuse in their lives (long story about
> me that makes that no coincidence). She said she had never been
> sexually abused, truth be told she just didn't realize how much she
> was abused.
>
> I embarked on a marriage with a wonderful woman who has just been abused
> in so many ways; including emotionally abused by me. Our journey is a
> long story that I feel compelled to share because I'm lost with
> where to go next.
>
> 7 years ago I met my wife and fell in love. She has 5 children (4 of
> them I adopted). All 5 live with us (or me at the moment). As our
> marriage started we hit some rocky times. I was very insecure and
> needed constant validation of her love (this is where the emotional
> abuse started). I didn't realize until now that I had some serious
> abandonment issues from my childhood and it led me to destructive
> behaviors. I had an eating disorder most of my adult life and in my
> marriage it reached its worse stage. I was an emotional eater and
> overly concerned about appearance so I would purge after I binged. I
> thought I was in control and used this as my way to cope from the ups
> and downs from my wife. She would be emotionally and physically
> available one day and then gone the next. It always felt like she was
> having an affair. It fueled my issues and sent me deeper into my
> problems. As I went deeper into my problems it made life harder on her.
> I would volunteer how my needs were not being met in the marriage and
> she beat herself up over it for years. I'm trying to work with her
> in counseling to acknowledge what I put her through but she's been
> resisting me, I can appreciate why with what I know about her past.
>
> About 6 months ago I admitted to my wife my challenges with my eating
> disorder and sought professional help. I'm proud to say I've
> entered into a healthy relationship with food and I now realize how to
> put my needs ahead of others so I don't push down my pain. I've
> revisited my past and confronted my parents with their role in my
> destructive behaviors. I'm feeling really good about myself and my
> future journey as it relates to healthy coping.
>
> The challenge in my relationship with my wife. Several years ago she
> was displaying her own eating disorders (yep 2 in the same house!). She
> got to a point that she was under 100lbs and I worried she was going to
> die. I did somewhat of an intervention and she hates me for it. I had
> justified in my head that she needed help and I had control of my own.
> It was very hypocritical and I don't know if she'll ever forgive
> me. To make matters worse she had to uncover so many things she
> wasn't ready to go through. She has childhood flashbacks of abuse,
> some with teachers, some with another little girl, and a strange memory
> of her dad, given her relationship with her parents I'm certain one
> of them or both of them violated her. To top all this off she was in a
> couple physically abusive relationships and was raped. It's all so
> much for her to handle so she scratched the surface. She got her eating
> under control and quit therapy.
>
> We moved a year ago because I got a new job. During the transition I
> had to relocate earlier than her and she sank deep into her eating
> disorder. When we reconnected it hasn't been the same. She is
> running faster and faster. She got a job in a bar and has been making
> tremendously unhealthy friendships. She wants to meet as many men and
> women as possible and has been slowly abandoning all of us. She said
> the pressure is too high and she doesn't know if she wants to be
> married to me any longer.
>
> I know she's trying to numb herself out from the pain and that she
> is going through a destructive phase. I worry that I won't be able
> to handle some of the things she's probably doing. I know her
> eating disorder is in full control and I know she's been getting
> very sexually talkative with her male and female friends. I don't
> know if she's gone any further but I know when she's in her own
> place she'll probably lean on this as a way to cope.
>
> I know this post is somewhat all over the map but I wanted to provide a
> little background and perhaps I've entered journaling mode.
> Here's my big struggle. I'm healthy know and confident I will
> remain healthy. This woman is an incredible person and I want to
> separate the desire to save her from what I need to do to take care of
> our kids and myself. I don't want to shut down but I know she has a
> LOT to go through and she doesn't trust me enough right now to make
> our relationship safe, I don't fault her for this. I worry that
> instead of her going off to start healing it's only going to get
> worse. She's going to drink and party more and find herself in so
> many unhealthy settings. She deserves so much better than this life. I
> can't save her but I don't want to give up on her. She says she
> needs a year to figure things out and signed a 1 year lease. At this
> point I don't even know what to ask of her or myself. Still
> overwhelmed that it's all taking this twist. Seems the healthier I
> have become the more she doesn't want to be around me.
>