Well I am new to the forum too, but not to CSA. 22 years of marriage and several
kids later, I am staring divorce in the face. My choice not hers. I will give a
glimpse of my journey only as one path, not your path. Each is different, but
all are difficult and perhaps rewarding.

I knew she had been abused before she did. while dating, she would not hold my
hand or be close, but did want to have sex. odd I thought. I was very sensitive,
like you, but unlike you, went for it since she denied any past issues of abuse
when I inquired (like a ham handed dummy).

Her memories came out of the safety of our relationship, like so many others, 10
years ago. Much depression and therapy later, there is no real change. all
intimacy lost, no good path for me but to listen and attend. Your gal, it seems
at least has awareness now.

That is a great hope. Your path may be easier, but patience is key. There are a
couple of things you may consider, think long and hard and do a lot of reading
before you act on any of these things, but who knows they may help.

Listen and do not offer solutions: if she tells you her stories and pain. look
at her and me with her. hold her hand if she wants, but no more. It is her
journey.

Do think of talking about sex: you have a great opportunity to begin a long,
complex and arduous dialogue. but CSA is, in many ways abouth the loss of her
control over her own body and choices. Talking through her desires and fears
without acting, could help her see you as an ally, not a threat. it may give her
a sence of her own control.
At some point, and this is only my thinking, not validated by any smart people,
but I beleive that Tantric practices offer a good path for earning trust in
intimacy. I should say though that the journey will be much longer and
protracted than normal. I would expect a year where the normal would be weeks or
months to begin real sexual activity. Be ready to have lots of set backs, but
the basis of tantric practices is trust, breathing and learning to trust and be
trusted with your partner. 5,000 years of helping arranged marriages work cant
be all bad. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS stop when she says stop, but you seem to
already get that. I does not get easier.

Think twice before you speak take a breath or act, take two breaths and then
realize that saying less is more. Share your feelings if she wants, but watch
her reaction to saying too much.

God this is complicated. Really think twice before you jump into a relationship
like this. There are so many beautiful and intelligent women who were not
abused. Ask yourself why her. why you. Will you look back at 20 years of
marriage and regret? I do not regret my kids, but I always wonder about what
else I have given up, hence my choice for divorce. I cannot deny my needs any
longer. Have I done her a disservice by giveing her 20 years and leaving now? I
cannot say, but I am tired and hungry for honest emotional and sexual intimacy.
Simplicity.

The length of your email tells me you are very sensitive and caring. You think
alot, rationalize things. Be very clear about YOUR future. if you make the
choice to try life with this woman, it could work out very well, as good as you
might imagine, but also worse than you can imagine, betrayed and drained. SET
your own limits and be clear about them with her. Not as threat, but as your
defense for yourself. You are valuable, you are giving, but you are not
limitless.

God bless you for trying and being one of the good guys. be careful you do not
change who you are because of how you feel around her. you will want to
compromise. some is ok, but do not lose yourself. notice my email address,
anonymous, but telling. this is now my emotional life. Pain management...my
pain.

email me any time if you want to chat one on one. I know i ramble sometimes, but
fatigue takes its toll.

Best wishes, my brother.

--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "tbgomez14" <tbgomez14@...>
wrote:
>
> Greetings everyone. Not only am I new to this group, but I'm new to a
> relationship with a survivor. We've been seeing each other for
> around four months, decided to make things more serious over a month
> ago. All the warning signs have been there, I had my suspicions, but
> would never dare ask someone something so personal at this point.
> She just recently opened up about the CSA on her own volition. Of
> course, I was distraught and angry at the perpetrator, and still am
> to some degree. I appreciate the honesty and the trust she placed in
> me this early in the relationship. I wouldn't be here if I didn't
> care about her. I don't think she would have told me if she didn't
> care about me. There are obvious reasons to be concerned, though.
> The story goes something like this:
>
> I'm a young man (mid-20s) finishing up a graduate degree. She's one
> year younger, about to begin a graduate program (It will come as no
> surprise to many of you that she is pursuing psychology). The
> attraction was immediate. She is strikingly beautiful, educated,
> sweet and respectful, and we enjoy so many of the same activities and
> entertainments. Though, there was always also an element of sadness
> within her. She felt the need to consistently remind me when we
> first started seeing each other that she was not a "hoe," and that if
> I was just in this to "get some," then I'd better look elsewhere. I
> assured her that was not the case, because it wasn't and I never made
> inappropriate advances or suggestions. I told her I would always
> show her proper respect -- that I'm trying to find a woman that I can
> be faithful to for the rest of my life, not for just a few nights.
>
> She first told me that the aversion to intimacy was because of a
> combination of religous values, "overthinking" things, and an
> emotionally and verbally abusive ex whom she loved and trusted to
> share some intimacy with (everything but intercourse). It was a
> codependent relationship that destroyed her self-esteem, but that she
> was strong enough to break herself from eventually. My respect for
> her grew. A broken heart is the reason, she said, but that if I am
> patient for her we can get through it together. I believe her, this
> ex did not help matters at all. Still, something wasn't quite adding
> up in my mind.
>
> The rollercoaster was in perpetual full-on-mode. We would kiss, hold
> hands, have an amazing time together one night (some of the best
> dates you can imagine) -- and then the next night she would be
> totally withdrawn, not even a hug to say goodbye. She would discuss
> future plans for dates and possibilities one day, and then the next
> day be completely aloof and uninterested. I brought up the fact that
> I felt a little confused by her actions, she would tell me if I
> didn't think she was worth waiting for, to tell her and she would
> leave (classic guilt trip). I noticed that in many cases, she wanted
> a little alcohol before being affectionate in any way. That is
> disconcerting to say the least.
>
> The affection culminated one night into something more special and
> she asked me for intercourse. I deeply wanted to, I have the
> passionate desire for her and have had sex with women in much earlier
> relationship stages. However, she had told me before that the only
> time she had intercourse was with a friend a few years ago, whom she
> promptly told to stop in the middle of the act, and never spoke to
> again. I knew that she wasn't actually ready and told her we should
> wait, that we would get there later on in the relationship. She
> persisted, I refused. One of the best (and hardest) decisions I've
> ever made. She confessed later that very night, shaking in my arms,
> that she wasn't even sure she was ready for the things we HAD done
> and thanked me for not going further. I was crushed and confused, but
> I knew I did the right thing, though certainly not the easy thing.
>
> She could sense my confusion and concern as we saw each other in the
> past few weeks, but she insisted it was just because of her ex trying
> to contact her again, she'd be fine with time. A couple of nights
> ago she told me that the uncle who raised her, the closest thing
> she'd known to a father, committed CSA. Not just on her, but her
> siblings as well. I was devastated to actually hear it, although I
> suspected it. I told her she never deserved anything like that and
> that I was so sorry. She acted like the CSA didn't matter, that it
> was in the past. She's never been to therapy for it, although as a
> psych major she must know the damage is real and long lasting.
>
> All the pieces are starting to fall into place. The root of the
> problem isn't this ex boyfriend, it's her example of a man growing up
> who betrayed her trust, betrayed her body. Certainly it played a
> part in how she got into her unhealthy ex relationship. I
> immediately hit the library to do research on CSA, I want to
> undersand, even though I've never been through anything like it. I
> can't talk about this with my friends or family without feeling like
> I'm betraying her privacy-her right to keep this as secretive as she
> wants. I can't continue to talk to her about it because it dredges
> up bad memories and we're still in a stage in our relationship where
> it should be about having fun together to find out if we belong
> together, not conducting psychotherapy sessions.
>
> That's why i'm here. We aren't in love with each other yet, although
> we have committed ourselves to finding out where this goes. I know
> that I could find another partner, but I feel that she's not one to
> give up on -- a special person, even with her problems (which we all
> have of some kind). I grew up in a family where the right kind of
> love was shown to us as kids, where my parents were affectionate
> toward each other and properly so with us. I want to be able to have
> a healthy and faithful physical relationship with the woman I end up
> with.
>
> She says she's capable in time. She has been more affectionate than
> in the beginning, but there always seems to be moments of
> regression. I feel like I'm ready to take a leap of faith, even
> though my rational mind is throwing up caution flags at every turn.
> I don't want to leave her now. I also don't have any delusions of
> being her savior, but I can be there for her when times are tough,
> and hope that the good times outweigh the difficult. Maybe this
> group can help? Should I gain more experience in this, maybe I can
> return the favor one day.
>
> I realize that many of you have been partners for long periods of
> time and in much more serious relationship stages. I have only
> caught a brief glimpse of that world, and I have enormous respect for
> all of you. Thank you for hearing me out and for any advice or
> comments you have.
>
> -Gomez
>