I don't even know where to begin. I'm married to (well now
separated) a survivor. When we met I told her how I usually attracted
women that had had some form of abuse in their lives (long story about
me that makes that no coincidence). She said she had never been
sexually abused, truth be told she just didn't realize how much she
was abused.

I embarked on a marriage with a wonderful woman who has just been abused
in so many ways; including emotionally abused by me. Our journey is a
long story that I feel compelled to share because I'm lost with
where to go next.

7 years ago I met my wife and fell in love. She has 5 children (4 of
them I adopted). All 5 live with us (or me at the moment). As our
marriage started we hit some rocky times. I was very insecure and
needed constant validation of her love (this is where the emotional
abuse started). I didn't realize until now that I had some serious
abandonment issues from my childhood and it led me to destructive
behaviors. I had an eating disorder most of my adult life and in my
marriage it reached its worse stage. I was an emotional eater and
overly concerned about appearance so I would purge after I binged. I
thought I was in control and used this as my way to cope from the ups
and downs from my wife. She would be emotionally and physically
available one day and then gone the next. It always felt like she was
having an affair. It fueled my issues and sent me deeper into my
problems. As I went deeper into my problems it made life harder on her.
I would volunteer how my needs were not being met in the marriage and
she beat herself up over it for years. I'm trying to work with her
in counseling to acknowledge what I put her through but she's been
resisting me, I can appreciate why with what I know about her past.

About 6 months ago I admitted to my wife my challenges with my eating
disorder and sought professional help. I'm proud to say I've
entered into a healthy relationship with food and I now realize how to
put my needs ahead of others so I don't push down my pain. I've
revisited my past and confronted my parents with their role in my
destructive behaviors. I'm feeling really good about myself and my
future journey as it relates to healthy coping.

The challenge in my relationship with my wife. Several years ago she
was displaying her own eating disorders (yep 2 in the same house!). She
got to a point that she was under 100lbs and I worried she was going to
die. I did somewhat of an intervention and she hates me for it. I had
justified in my head that she needed help and I had control of my own.
It was very hypocritical and I don't know if she'll ever forgive
me. To make matters worse she had to uncover so many things she
wasn't ready to go through. She has childhood flashbacks of abuse,
some with teachers, some with another little girl, and a strange memory
of her dad, given her relationship with her parents I'm certain one
of them or both of them violated her. To top all this off she was in a
couple physically abusive relationships and was raped. It's all so
much for her to handle so she scratched the surface. She got her eating
under control and quit therapy.

We moved a year ago because I got a new job. During the transition I
had to relocate earlier than her and she sank deep into her eating
disorder. When we reconnected it hasn't been the same. She is
running faster and faster. She got a job in a bar and has been making
tremendously unhealthy friendships. She wants to meet as many men and
women as possible and has been slowly abandoning all of us. She said
the pressure is too high and she doesn't know if she wants to be
married to me any longer.

I know she's trying to numb herself out from the pain and that she
is going through a destructive phase. I worry that I won't be able
to handle some of the things she's probably doing. I know her
eating disorder is in full control and I know she's been getting
very sexually talkative with her male and female friends. I don't
know if she's gone any further but I know when she's in her own
place she'll probably lean on this as a way to cope.

I know this post is somewhat all over the map but I wanted to provide a
little background and perhaps I've entered journaling mode.
Here's my big struggle. I'm healthy know and confident I will
remain healthy. This woman is an incredible person and I want to
separate the desire to save her from what I need to do to take care of
our kids and myself. I don't want to shut down but I know she has a
LOT to go through and she doesn't trust me enough right now to make
our relationship safe, I don't fault her for this. I worry that
instead of her going off to start healing it's only going to get
worse. She's going to drink and party more and find herself in so
many unhealthy settings. She deserves so much better than this life. I
can't save her but I don't want to give up on her. She says she
needs a year to figure things out and signed a 1 year lease. At this
point I don't even know what to ask of her or myself. Still
overwhelmed that it's all taking this twist. Seems the healthier I
have become the more she doesn't want to be around me.