Hi Chris,

First, I want to offer you my unconditional support in the myriad issues you're
dealing with in your relationship with a survivor of sexual abuse.

I think Simon's advice to postpone the idea of marriage is a very valid response
to the information presented about your current status with your survivor. I
have been in a long term relationship with a survivor, nearing 8 years now, and
I will tell you that the old adage is true... old dogs don't (often) learn new
tricks. That is to say, my partner suffered through the torment of her abuse for
25 years before actually seeking any help, i.e., therapy. Therapy is a long and
involved process with many ups and downs and it takes a LOT of commitment from
the survivor for any lasting changes to happen.

I'm not trying to give you the glass half full response to your worries but I
want you to be well informed that no part of your journey with her will be easy,
particularly because she feels a great need to defend the abusing family
members. I see that often with my survivor partner, too, on the most base of
situations. I once called ONE OF (there are multiple) her abusers an idiot
because he was held back in school (they were nearly the same age when he
attacked her) and she defended him saying it was a language barrier issue. It is
frustrating to the point of being infuriating and there's nothing I can do. In
that instance I said to her "I can't believe you're defending this guy" and
there wasn't much she had to say as a reply. It's as if they forget (though I
know they never could) the terrible things that were perpetrated upon them, if
even temporarily, so that they can function. Because 3 of her 4 attackers were
family members, she had to see and engage them regularly for family functions
and still does to this day. She recently brought up the issues of abuse, again,
with her family, since they didn't believe her the first time and asked them to
protect her by NOT INVITING the attackers to family functions and her family
can't oblige her because it would cause to much drama within the family for
anyone to make a big deal about it. Besides, it was all 20+ years ago and she
should "just get over it anyway". They victimize her again and again and again.
I HATE THEM with my whole heart. I have fantasized of doing down right awful
things to her attackers. My fantasies of torturing them to the point of mental
breakdown (never death for I want them to suffer prolonged for years as she has)
has been one of the few things to keep me sane, however insane that sounds.

After 8 years, I have nothing to show but a deep and abiding hatred for these
men because they took from her (and from me) something they can never give back.
However frustrating things have been for you up till now, imagine that
frustration tenfold or more when you are knee deep in 10 years of relationship
with her and nothing has changed.

This all seems very pessimistic, I know. What I'm hoping to be for you is a
realist. I wish that someone on this forum told me 5 or so years ago when I
joined that whatever I was dealing with on the day I joined, I'd be dealing with
year after year after year. I want you to know that it IS possible for survivors
to change but it takes the utmost of dedication to go through the arduous
journey... the fear, hatred, hurt, and everything else awful that goes along
with remembering the heinous acts perpetrated upon them so they can finally heal
from it.

I really hope that peace exists for these tortured people but from the cheap
seats, it seems like something that happens for the very few, extremely
dedicated survivors.

My advice to you is to find happiness within yourself. Acknowledge that you
can't fix her. She has to do all the work herself. You can support her in the
journey and WE can support you in supporting her but don't expect things to
change. Expect to find out that she's lied to you about very important things
that she never should've lied about (It seems like a reoccurring theme with
survivors). Expect to have your heart broken, again and again, when she chooses
to defend them repeatedly. Expect to have your needs and your pain and anguish
perpetually placed on the back burner and expect to be patient beyond any level
of patience you have ever exerted in your lifetime because otherwise you will
either go crazy or leave her or both.

I sincerely say this to you with love and compassion for what you are enduring.
I fully understand and I want you to know that though I don't know you, I am
sending you the same love and positive energy I send out every day for all
partners of survivors and for the survivors themselves. This is a difficult
journey we are on made all the harder because sexual abuse and prevention is
something that isn't often discussed and/or addressed by society by and large
regardless of how common an occurrence it is within our society.



--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "simonshek_2000"
<simonshek_2000@...> wrote:
>
>
> Its good that you are seeking and getting counselling. Please
> continue with it. One can really sense the frustration you are
> feeling and going through.
>
> Based on what you've written, marriage may not be a great idea with
> this person right now. Yes you have been with her for 5 years, but
> marriage is not the answer and certainly will not get rid of the
> people that make you so angry. It is very unlikely that her family
> will change. It may be good time to completely break from her and
> her family for some time for yourself, at minimum to come back to the
> situation later with different perspectives you could not have
> noticed before.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Simon.
>
>
> --- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "cincyjano2"
> <cincyjano2@> wrote:
> >
> > This is my first post. I have been with a woman for five years who
> > has been abused sexually, physically, and mentally by people in her
> > family her whole life. Her Mom left her when she was 4 years old
> and
> > had to live with her Aunt who was extremelly abusive. Her cousin
> who
> > lived in the house with her molested her when she was 5 and the
> Aunt
> > didn't do anything about it. The cousin eventually went to prison
> > due to beating his wife with a bat. However the Aunt would take my
> > fiance when she was about 12 to prison to visit the cousin even
> > though she did not want to see him. Within a year in the
> > relaitonship I found out that the Aunt beat my fiance 2 times to
> the
> > point where she almost killed her when she was a child. I also
> found
> > out that her Aunt molested her brother. Whenever my fiance sees her
> > aunt or talks to her aunt she becomes suicidal and does things to
> > hurt herself. For the first year I was very good with her I was
> very
> > supportive I would see her family whenever she wanted me to go over
> > even though I hated doing it. As time has gone by she has revealed
> > more and more inforamtion about her aunt and her family. I have
> > found out that the majority of the people in her family have abused
> > children. As the time has grown so has my hate. I refuse to see
> her
> > family. Theres times where I do not want her to see her family. It
> > has been hard because she won't let me talk to anyone or get help.
> I
> > feel at times like shes trying to protect the people who are
> abusive.
> > In November she wanted to get married right away with me and then
> > she took an extreme turn in December and broke up with me and said
> > that she needs her space to figure out if she does in fact want to
> be
> > with me. I think the two big things that triggered this was 1) She
> > wanted me to go to her Aunts 60th Birthday Party last summer and I
> > refused to go. I was so upset because she told me during the week
> > that we will not have kids because of her Aunt, that we will never
> be
> > happy because of her Aunt, and our life will revolve around what
> the
> > Aunt has done. I did not want to go somewhere and sing happy
> > birthday to someone I feel is dictating our life.
> > 2) For the last two years we have been going to a side of a family
> > that she never grew up with that are very loving and normal. We
> have
> > had very good times seeing them for the holidays. She told me in
> > November that she doesn't want to spend time with those people and
> > that she wants to spend time with her Aunt and the side of the
> family
> > that is abusive. She told me that what her aunt did was okay and
> > defended her Aunt. I just got angry and started yelling at her. I
> > kept thinking about her brother who is suicidal due to her Aunt and
> > all the pain her Aunt has caused her that I just blew up.
> >
> > She told me a few weeks ago that the reason why she broke up with
> me
> > is due to the family, and that she will not contact me for awhile
> and
> > that she wanted me to get counseling and that she is going to get
> > counseling as well. She said she needs to figure out if she wants
> to
> > marry me.
> >
> > I need help. I am seeing a counselor and things are going very
> > well. I love her with all my heart and she is the love of my life.
> > What do I do with this anger that I have for her family. Is there
> > any books out there or anything. All I keep thinking about is the
> > fact that this person almost killed the women I love twice and not
> > sure if the person I love will end up hurting herself to the point
> of
> > no return. She wants me to see these people. I feel that if we
> could
> > get over the family situation we would be very happy. What do I
> do?
> > Any advice would mean a lot to me.
> >
> > Thanks
> > Chris
> > Report to moderator 24.13.63.93
> >
>