Its good that you are seeking and getting counselling. Please
continue with it. One can really sense the frustration you are
feeling and going through.

Based on what you've written, marriage may not be a great idea with
this person right now. Yes you have been with her for 5 years, but
marriage is not the answer and certainly will not get rid of the
people that make you so angry. It is very unlikely that her family
will change. It may be good time to completely break from her and
her family for some time for yourself, at minimum to come back to the
situation later with different perspectives you could not have
noticed before.

Cheers,

Simon.


--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "cincyjano2"
<cincyjano2@...> wrote:
>
> This is my first post. I have been with a woman for five years who
> has been abused sexually, physically, and mentally by people in her
> family her whole life. Her Mom left her when she was 4 years old
and
> had to live with her Aunt who was extremelly abusive. Her cousin
who
> lived in the house with her molested her when she was 5 and the
Aunt
> didn't do anything about it. The cousin eventually went to prison
> due to beating his wife with a bat. However the Aunt would take my
> fiance when she was about 12 to prison to visit the cousin even
> though she did not want to see him. Within a year in the
> relaitonship I found out that the Aunt beat my fiance 2 times to
the
> point where she almost killed her when she was a child. I also
found
> out that her Aunt molested her brother. Whenever my fiance sees her
> aunt or talks to her aunt she becomes suicidal and does things to
> hurt herself. For the first year I was very good with her I was
very
> supportive I would see her family whenever she wanted me to go over
> even though I hated doing it. As time has gone by she has revealed
> more and more inforamtion about her aunt and her family. I have
> found out that the majority of the people in her family have abused
> children. As the time has grown so has my hate. I refuse to see
her
> family. Theres times where I do not want her to see her family. It
> has been hard because she won't let me talk to anyone or get help.
I
> feel at times like shes trying to protect the people who are
abusive.
> In November she wanted to get married right away with me and then
> she took an extreme turn in December and broke up with me and said
> that she needs her space to figure out if she does in fact want to
be
> with me. I think the two big things that triggered this was 1) She
> wanted me to go to her Aunts 60th Birthday Party last summer and I
> refused to go. I was so upset because she told me during the week
> that we will not have kids because of her Aunt, that we will never
be
> happy because of her Aunt, and our life will revolve around what
the
> Aunt has done. I did not want to go somewhere and sing happy
> birthday to someone I feel is dictating our life.
> 2) For the last two years we have been going to a side of a family
> that she never grew up with that are very loving and normal. We
have
> had very good times seeing them for the holidays. She told me in
> November that she doesn't want to spend time with those people and
> that she wants to spend time with her Aunt and the side of the
family
> that is abusive. She told me that what her aunt did was okay and
> defended her Aunt. I just got angry and started yelling at her. I
> kept thinking about her brother who is suicidal due to her Aunt and
> all the pain her Aunt has caused her that I just blew up.
>
> She told me a few weeks ago that the reason why she broke up with
me
> is due to the family, and that she will not contact me for awhile
and
> that she wanted me to get counseling and that she is going to get
> counseling as well. She said she needs to figure out if she wants
to
> marry me.
>
> I need help. I am seeing a counselor and things are going very
> well. I love her with all my heart and she is the love of my life.
> What do I do with this anger that I have for her family. Is there
> any books out there or anything. All I keep thinking about is the
> fact that this person almost killed the women I love twice and not
> sure if the person I love will end up hurting herself to the point
of
> no return. She wants me to see these people. I feel that if we
could
> get over the family situation we would be very happy. What do I
do?
> Any advice would mean a lot to me.
>
> Thanks
> Chris
> Report to moderator 24.13.63.93
>