Welcome to POS. Keep in mind your choice (is it really a choice?,
some say not.) of attempting to be a boyfriend to her and at the same
time friend to a survivor will be a difficult one. You (and her)
are also fairly young which is typically a difficult time for
survivors and "normal" relationships anyways; let alone the
combination of the two. She also mentions somewhere the issue
of "time"; something you will need to keep in mind when you practice
patience and giving her the space she needs.

I dont want to prejudice or influence your relationship too much,
only to say welcome to the site. We have some really good people and
I hope you find it gives you some answers you need.

Cheers,

Simon.


--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "tbgomez14"
<tbgomez14@...> wrote:
>
> Greetings everyone. Not only am I new to this group, but I'm new to
a
> relationship with a survivor. We've been seeing each other for
> around four months, decided to make things more serious over a
month
> ago. All the warning signs have been there, I had my suspicions,
but
> would never dare ask someone something so personal at this point.
> She just recently opened up about the CSA on her own volition. Of
> course, I was distraught and angry at the perpetrator, and still am
> to some degree. I appreciate the honesty and the trust she placed
in
> me this early in the relationship. I wouldn't be here if I didn't
> care about her. I don't think she would have told me if she didn't
> care about me. There are obvious reasons to be concerned, though.
> The story goes something like this:
>
> I'm a young man (mid-20s) finishing up a graduate degree. She's one
> year younger, about to begin a graduate program (It will come as no
> surprise to many of you that she is pursuing psychology). The
> attraction was immediate. She is strikingly beautiful, educated,
> sweet and respectful, and we enjoy so many of the same activities
and
> entertainments. Though, there was always also an element of
sadness
> within her. She felt the need to consistently remind me when we
> first started seeing each other that she was not a "hoe," and that
if
> I was just in this to "get some," then I'd better look elsewhere.
I
> assured her that was not the case, because it wasn't and I never
made
> inappropriate advances or suggestions. I told her I would always
> show her proper respect -- that I'm trying to find a woman that I
can
> be faithful to for the rest of my life, not for just a few nights.
>
> She first told me that the aversion to intimacy was because of a
> combination of religous values, "overthinking" things, and an
> emotionally and verbally abusive ex whom she loved and trusted to
> share some intimacy with (everything but intercourse). It was a
> codependent relationship that destroyed her self-esteem, but that
she
> was strong enough to break herself from eventually. My respect for
> her grew. A broken heart is the reason, she said, but that if I am
> patient for her we can get through it together. I believe her,
this
> ex did not help matters at all. Still, something wasn't quite
adding
> up in my mind.
>
> The rollercoaster was in perpetual full-on-mode. We would kiss,
hold
> hands, have an amazing time together one night (some of the best
> dates you can imagine) -- and then the next night she would be
> totally withdrawn, not even a hug to say goodbye. She would
discuss
> future plans for dates and possibilities one day, and then the next
> day be completely aloof and uninterested. I brought up the fact
that
> I felt a little confused by her actions, she would tell me if I
> didn't think she was worth waiting for, to tell her and she would
> leave (classic guilt trip). I noticed that in many cases, she
wanted
> a little alcohol before being affectionate in any way. That is
> disconcerting to say the least.
>
> The affection culminated one night into something more special and
> she asked me for intercourse. I deeply wanted to, I have the
> passionate desire for her and have had sex with women in much
earlier
> relationship stages. However, she had told me before that the only
> time she had intercourse was with a friend a few years ago, whom
she
> promptly told to stop in the middle of the act, and never spoke to
> again. I knew that she wasn't actually ready and told her we
should
> wait, that we would get there later on in the relationship. She
> persisted, I refused. One of the best (and hardest) decisions I've
> ever made. She confessed later that very night, shaking in my
arms,
> that she wasn't even sure she was ready for the things we HAD done
> and thanked me for not going further. I was crushed and confused,
but
> I knew I did the right thing, though certainly not the easy thing.
>
> She could sense my confusion and concern as we saw each other in
the
> past few weeks, but she insisted it was just because of her ex
trying
> to contact her again, she'd be fine with time. A couple of nights
> ago she told me that the uncle who raised her, the closest thing
> she'd known to a father, committed CSA. Not just on her, but her
> siblings as well. I was devastated to actually hear it, although I
> suspected it. I told her she never deserved anything like that and
> that I was so sorry. She acted like the CSA didn't matter, that it
> was in the past. She's never been to therapy for it, although as a
> psych major she must know the damage is real and long lasting.
>
> All the pieces are starting to fall into place. The root of the
> problem isn't this ex boyfriend, it's her example of a man growing
up
> who betrayed her trust, betrayed her body. Certainly it played a
> part in how she got into her unhealthy ex relationship. I
> immediately hit the library to do research on CSA, I want to
> undersand, even though I've never been through anything like it. I
> can't talk about this with my friends or family without feeling
like
> I'm betraying her privacy-her right to keep this as secretive as
she
> wants. I can't continue to talk to her about it because it dredges
> up bad memories and we're still in a stage in our relationship
where
> it should be about having fun together to find out if we belong
> together, not conducting psychotherapy sessions.
>
> That's why i'm here. We aren't in love with each other yet,
although
> we have committed ourselves to finding out where this goes. I know
> that I could find another partner, but I feel that she's not one to
> give up on -- a special person, even with her problems (which we
all
> have of some kind). I grew up in a family where the right kind of
> love was shown to us as kids, where my parents were affectionate
> toward each other and properly so with us. I want to be able to
have
> a healthy and faithful physical relationship with the woman I end
up
> with.
>
> She says she's capable in time. She has been more affectionate
than
> in the beginning, but there always seems to be moments of
> regression. I feel like I'm ready to take a leap of faith, even
> though my rational mind is throwing up caution flags at every
turn.
> I don't want to leave her now. I also don't have any delusions of
> being her savior, but I can be there for her when times are tough,
> and hope that the good times outweigh the difficult. Maybe this
> group can help? Should I gain more experience in this, maybe I can
> return the favor one day.
>
> I realize that many of you have been partners for long periods of
> time and in much more serious relationship stages. I have only
> caught a brief glimpse of that world, and I have enormous respect
for
> all of you. Thank you for hearing me out and for any advice or
> comments you have.
>
> -Gomez
>