Greetings everyone. Not only am I new to this group, but I'm new to a
relationship with a survivor. We've been seeing each other for
around four months, decided to make things more serious over a month
ago. All the warning signs have been there, I had my suspicions, but
would never dare ask someone something so personal at this point.
She just recently opened up about the CSA on her own volition. Of
course, I was distraught and angry at the perpetrator, and still am
to some degree. I appreciate the honesty and the trust she placed in
me this early in the relationship. I wouldn't be here if I didn't
care about her. I don't think she would have told me if she didn't
care about me. There are obvious reasons to be concerned, though.
The story goes something like this:

I'm a young man (mid-20s) finishing up a graduate degree. She's one
year younger, about to begin a graduate program (It will come as no
surprise to many of you that she is pursuing psychology). The
attraction was immediate. She is strikingly beautiful, educated,
sweet and respectful, and we enjoy so many of the same activities and
entertainments. Though, there was always also an element of sadness
within her. She felt the need to consistently remind me when we
first started seeing each other that she was not a "hoe," and that if
I was just in this to "get some," then I'd better look elsewhere. I
assured her that was not the case, because it wasn't and I never made
inappropriate advances or suggestions. I told her I would always
show her proper respect -- that I'm trying to find a woman that I can
be faithful to for the rest of my life, not for just a few nights.

She first told me that the aversion to intimacy was because of a
combination of religous values, "overthinking" things, and an
emotionally and verbally abusive ex whom she loved and trusted to
share some intimacy with (everything but intercourse). It was a
codependent relationship that destroyed her self-esteem, but that she
was strong enough to break herself from eventually. My respect for
her grew. A broken heart is the reason, she said, but that if I am
patient for her we can get through it together. I believe her, this
ex did not help matters at all. Still, something wasn't quite adding
up in my mind.

The rollercoaster was in perpetual full-on-mode. We would kiss, hold
hands, have an amazing time together one night (some of the best
dates you can imagine) -- and then the next night she would be
totally withdrawn, not even a hug to say goodbye. She would discuss
future plans for dates and possibilities one day, and then the next
day be completely aloof and uninterested. I brought up the fact that
I felt a little confused by her actions, she would tell me if I
didn't think she was worth waiting for, to tell her and she would
leave (classic guilt trip). I noticed that in many cases, she wanted
a little alcohol before being affectionate in any way. That is
disconcerting to say the least.

The affection culminated one night into something more special and
she asked me for intercourse. I deeply wanted to, I have the
passionate desire for her and have had sex with women in much earlier
relationship stages. However, she had told me before that the only
time she had intercourse was with a friend a few years ago, whom she
promptly told to stop in the middle of the act, and never spoke to
again. I knew that she wasn't actually ready and told her we should
wait, that we would get there later on in the relationship. She
persisted, I refused. One of the best (and hardest) decisions I've
ever made. She confessed later that very night, shaking in my arms,
that she wasn't even sure she was ready for the things we HAD done
and thanked me for not going further. I was crushed and confused, but
I knew I did the right thing, though certainly not the easy thing.

She could sense my confusion and concern as we saw each other in the
past few weeks, but she insisted it was just because of her ex trying
to contact her again, she'd be fine with time. A couple of nights
ago she told me that the uncle who raised her, the closest thing
she'd known to a father, committed CSA. Not just on her, but her
siblings as well. I was devastated to actually hear it, although I
suspected it. I told her she never deserved anything like that and
that I was so sorry. She acted like the CSA didn't matter, that it
was in the past. She's never been to therapy for it, although as a
psych major she must know the damage is real and long lasting.

All the pieces are starting to fall into place. The root of the
problem isn't this ex boyfriend, it's her example of a man growing up
who betrayed her trust, betrayed her body. Certainly it played a
part in how she got into her unhealthy ex relationship. I
immediately hit the library to do research on CSA, I want to
undersand, even though I've never been through anything like it. I
can't talk about this with my friends or family without feeling like
I'm betraying her privacy-her right to keep this as secretive as she
wants. I can't continue to talk to her about it because it dredges
up bad memories and we're still in a stage in our relationship where
it should be about having fun together to find out if we belong
together, not conducting psychotherapy sessions.

That's why i'm here. We aren't in love with each other yet, although
we have committed ourselves to finding out where this goes. I know
that I could find another partner, but I feel that she's not one to
give up on -- a special person, even with her problems (which we all
have of some kind). I grew up in a family where the right kind of
love was shown to us as kids, where my parents were affectionate
toward each other and properly so with us. I want to be able to have
a healthy and faithful physical relationship with the woman I end up
with.

She says she's capable in time. She has been more affectionate than
in the beginning, but there always seems to be moments of
regression. I feel like I'm ready to take a leap of faith, even
though my rational mind is throwing up caution flags at every turn.
I don't want to leave her now. I also don't have any delusions of
being her savior, but I can be there for her when times are tough,
and hope that the good times outweigh the difficult. Maybe this
group can help? Should I gain more experience in this, maybe I can
return the favor one day.

I realize that many of you have been partners for long periods of
time and in much more serious relationship stages. I have only
caught a brief glimpse of that world, and I have enormous respect for
all of you. Thank you for hearing me out and for any advice or
comments you have.

-Gomez