Hello Simon:

Your point is very well taken. I know I am Co-dependent and
contribute to my partner's behavior. In retrospect, the extent to
which I will go to try and avoid a behavioral explosion is pathetic.
The worst part about a post-situation review is I only made the
situation better for the moment. And, if I didn't cave into my
partner's demands quickly enough, I got the full explosion AND still
ended up caving in.

It's so confusing to look at your partner during an outburst and love
and hate them at the same time. To want to leave, or wish they would
yet, stay and stay and stay... never asking them to leave either;
until I have become weary with a somber resolve to my fate.

I am sorry that you find me in one of my "Poor Me" moods. However, I
do appreciate your reminding me that I AM part of the problem not
part of the solution. WOW that's heavy, isn't it? After all of the
complaining I do about my partner, I realize the problem is all
about "US" and, I thought I was being kind and caring!!!

I am happy to hear you have a handle on yourself and are working to
improve your responses. In reality, the only person we can fix is
our-self anyway.

All the best, Patricia

--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "smoothpebble69"
<simonfrog@...> wrote:
>
> okay yall gonna just get this out here. Daisy, love that you work
> for some sort of peace, a cure, I mean what is it that one is
working
> towards matters, so partners make sure that you know what you are
> looking for and it will help the process tremendously.
> A few of you know me and the ex-mrs-frog. You saw us come on here
as
> newbie discovering that life has turned into a madhouse and this
> thing, this atrocity, called CSA was the cause, and now that I know
> what it is I am going to beat it. Success stories, willie wonka's
> golden ticket, searching for hope of any kind, yeah I was there.
My
> story is not one that you have to go back and research, because it
> was so much like every other story on this group.
> I am writing you all tonight to let you know that most CSA's are
> borderline personality disorder sufferers... really want to know
what
> is going on? Put down ghosts, allies, and courage and pick up the
> borderline mother... 10:1 it will make much more sense. If you are
> going to fight a dragon, know what makes it up. Know its
weaknesses
> and know where it is going to attack you.
> Which is politely telling you that just as a 90+% of CSA victims
are
> borderlines, the same percentage rings true to partners of
Survivors
> being co-dependent. I know I know, I am not co-dependent, I just
> love so much, there is nothing wrong with loving someone, I loved
> them and look at what they are doing to me...
> look at the math. You are expecting a change out of another human
> being that you found compatiblity with, odds are you have found
> previous encounters that treated you similarly, and you want
change?
> Change is the only thing...but it must come from within.
> if you continue trying to create chaos for the illusion of having
> control, or to present the illusion that you are there/here to help
> or heal, you are only going to add to the problem. If you allow,
> accept or inable a behavior, then bitch moan groan about how
horrible
> they are treating you after all that you have done to/for them,
then
> you are feeding the behavior. if your behavior is as predictable
as
> their behavior, then asking them to change without changing your
own
> self, at least taking a serious look into the matter with some
> qualified professional help is just selfish.
> I hear, and I did my share of whining that I wanted her to go to
> therapy, tried my best to save my marriage, and failed only in
saving
> my marriage, because I wound up saving my own life, and salvaging a
> good friendship with a woman who is a whole lot fucked up in the
head
> from the neighbor and probably a family member that had their way
> with her from the ages of 4-12.
> her therapy would not have mattered so long as my sickness of co-
> dependence needed fed. You ask for and recieve everything that
> happens to you. It is true! Took a really good therapist and much
> literature to figure it out, but if you are not willing to look
> within yourself and make a change, get off of your high horses and
> quit expecting change from them. My ex and I are very good
friends.
> I do believe if I had gotten a grip sooner, we may have been able
to
> salvage the marriage, but I was so caught up in being a victim and
> defending that I had no part of how fucked up she was.
> co-dependency
> a taboo word here
> finding out more about it saved my life
> had I the courage to face it sooner it may have saved my marriage
> you want help?
> look into it, because your partner's behavior is a reaction to your
> own.
> Sorry it is so matter of fact
> Simon
>