Hello everyone. While I have not posted in some time, I continue to
read through your latests. Last I posted was in late June; perhaps
it can be found far back under my screen name Fides73.

Anyway, the backgroud related to my survivor ex-boyfriend's issue
will be in those late June postings, if you want a refresher on this
one:

After we returned from a May vacation together, he abruptly ended
our realtionship this June because he believed he was a victim
of "bad timing," because he was "overwhelmed" with finishing
college, working, not only to pay his debts but for his mother and
sister abroad for whom he sends a substantial subsidy. So he had to
cut something out and it turned out to be me. (Didn't mean to imply
I was receving $) No. Rather he had to cut off my place in his life
as he knew that it requires time and dedication, which he felt he
was not in a position to give me. I basically said: "Fine. If my
relationship to you represents a burden rather than a source of
support. I don't want to be considered a source of stress." I never
criticized or reproached him for all his responsibilites and whether
they impacted on our relationship. In fact, I did nothing to
exacerbate his problems; I was an accommodating, non-demanding
girlfriend; I figured if he had a stable girlfirend which would
represent the morale support during his difficult times. He also
claimed he was intimidated by my profession and that I own a home.
(a hidden and unexpected sentiment). He knows those insecurities are
his problem (not casued by me). However, he'll never work on them
(i.e.theray). I made clear that I would never force anyone to stay
with me. Unfortunately, his insecurities blind him from the
positives I just mentioned. The other kick to the stomach was that
he disavowed everything he said to me about being in love and
wanting marriage and that I would be "the mother of his children."

As he was breaking it off with me, he mentioned that he was having
memories of the abuse (possibly triggered by the death of his close
cousin and all his general stress).

Well, it's now a little over 4 months. I have had no communication
with him since. After I got through the excrucuating phase of
licking my wounds, I decided to "move on." In fac, just recently I
started dating a great guy, but it'd in the beginning stages.
However, I have built no expectations about it and if it doesn't go
well, I am willing to meet new people. The early expectations that
somehow my ex-boyfriend would come to his senses and not want to
lose me are SOO over.

Here's the UPDATE: I received an email earlier from him in a chummy
tone (as if the abruptly ripping my heart out had never happened,
the relationship was erased and he and I had only been "friendS"
since we met). He asks how I am and mentioning that he found a book
I lent him and that he has some dvds that are mine as well. He'd
like to give them back to me and would like to arrange a meeting so
we can also catch up.

How do I handle this? A. Ignore, B. indulge the request, or C.
appear to receive the items, but don't give him the luxury of chit-
chat that he craves?

I have a few items he had lent me that I did not have an opportunity
to return to him, given the abrupt break. Among those books and
movies is a packet that is filled with a few books that, early on in
my break-up PTSD, I bought to read because they concerned male child
sexual abuse. I did so to understand him and even to inform myself
about whether his bizarre behavior to let go of me could be
rationalized by theories in such books. More importantly, I came to
realize that if he was never going to seek therapy for this crucial
aspect of his childhood (that still torments him and causes him to
sabotage good things like this relationship), then he should at
least avail himself of the benefit of reading those books in
privacy. (I have nothing to gain as I do not intend to resucitate a
relationship out of it) I had thought to give him those books with
as short an explanation as what I said to you all 2 sentences ago.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME GIVING HIM THOSE BOOKS?

I would love to hear from any of you. Daniel, if you're out there,
please reply. You always give such objective and caring feedback.

S.