Hey
It's been a long time since I was on here. I haven't read any posts
lately (in years perhaps)...

For those of you new to the support group here, on line, my story was
pretty basic: ran into an incredibly interesting woman as a single
young man, things went from wonderful with brief bouts of really
strange behavior to hell on earth over 2 years as I came to learn
about the severity of my, at the time, partner's mental and emotional
illness from CSA survival. I was a psychology student and teacher, and
I began to specialize in these particular kinds of cases in my
learning. After a horrible breakup, the worst in my life, I discovered
exactly why people are called "damaged" and "broken" and why in
psychology we have clinical terms for people who were robbed forever
of a stable and safe entry and beginning in this life and on earth.
The tragedy only became real when I realized there was "no cure" and
"help" simply meant eventually she, if she lives long enough, can at
least be comfortable with who she is and the destiny she has.

while learning these things over the last 2+ years, I became a bit of
a voice for some very important things on this forum- simply that new
people on here believe some things about the internet that are not true:

1) "There are no doctors in the house", so to speak. That means this
is wide open to anyone. When I started on here I was working on my
masters degree, and a few other people had some credentials, but the
moderators are more often just that- people who have assumed from the
good will and personal motivations only known to them, to BE the
people who CAN moderate this forum- to qualify for THAT in yahoo, all
you have to do is START a group, and you are the admin and moderator.

That also means that you have to take your advice and support here
with a grain of salt. There are a LOT of ill people on line, and this
group is no different. Even many people in this group are victims and
CSA's who masquerade as PoS's. I advised that victims and CSA's leave
and that they are NOT welcome- after all it is a support group for
PARTNERS of such people. One of the intrusive subtle battery issues
when dealing with abused people is that they tend to know the paradigm
OF abusive ways, which means lack of respecting of appropriate
boundaries. Understand? That means that this sort of a rule not only
will be violated (and the sure sign of someone who continues to
violate it is that they are a CSA and have social and
personal/emotional/mental problems, so best ban or block them if they
keep coming back). I think it is CRITICAL that this forum be only for
partners, where we finally have a place we might be able to vent,
express, and work out in some form, some kind of cathartic release
from all the hell that PoS's have to deal with when one has choosen to
be or continue in some form of a personal relationship with a very
damaged person for whom there is no fixing, only coping and some
repair. Like living on the edge of a nuclear wasteland, one can get
"irradiated" simply be over-exposure to the CSA perspective, outlook
and belief paradigms. This OUGHT to be a safe place to come as a PoS.
Again, sure sign of someone who is a CSA is that they don't respect
that and remove themselves from this forum.

2) There is no cure or fixing for a CSA. Even, society is what needs
to be "fixed". Perhaps CSA's are simply there to teach us compassion,
empathy, boundaries, healthy relaitonship paradigms... I mean, if you
SURVIVE a relationship with a CSA, you're bound to either become
horrible dysfunctional OR you'll have learned something even the best
psychologists in the world can not ever understand- what it REALLY
MEANS to be disturbed, emotionally and mentally, from a 1st person
perspective of living in and out, day after day, night after night
with a CSA. That is priceless, and will teach you something
incredible, for sure, regardless of the outcome. But again, there is
no cure as there is nothing "WRONG" with CSA's- they simply don't know
and can never be taught the things you were taught by example. IF they
COULD be taught, they could be CSA victims- the term itself is
indictive of someone who was robbed of some of the most essential
ingredients to life- that love is real, safe and respect is not a word
but a deed. On the day that a CSA returns whence we all came from,
they will still not understand to the depth IN EXPERIENCE, though
perhaps better than even the normal person who takes it for granted,
what true safety and love really means and was all about. You can't
change that or fix it, not until they invent a time machine to take
you back in time. Fighting that truth is like pretending a one-legged
man can run and will grow his leg back. Sure, maybe it CAN happen, but
so far it never has- again that doesn't mean it WON'T, but in all of
time, so far it hasn't. Believing too much in "there is a way to
change this, there is a cure, there is a way to fix this, I can show
them what love and trust and safety is all about" is a sure sign you
need to learn more and begin to open your mind to the fact that this
is partially WHY the CSA found you attractive and got involved with
you. Harsh, but go take some classes and don't take it personal- it's
not, it's just life and how the mind works.

3) There IS hope. THERE IS HOPE.

Again I will say it.


THERE IS HOPE....


But only for YOU. The CSA, if you walk away right now, and come back
in 20 years, will still be doing almost the EXACT SAME THINGS they are
doing with you, but with someone new. Maybe they'll have more
integrity (remember, integrity is being ok with who you are and what
you do- a seriall killer with no remorse has more integrity than
someone who regrets the act of killing, capice?). So they'll probably
be more COMFORTABLE with who they are, and if anything, really NOT
appreciate any judgements about it- CSA's learn over time to remove
themselves from people who measure them to some social standards, a
lesson that has it's pros and cons (sociopaths adapt the same
paradigm). But walk away now, and the truth is, you won't have failed.
Simply, you'll have removed yourself from the path of this person's
life, and hopefully, from future similar encounters.

I wasn't always an advocate of this, and of course, I wanted to
believe anything other than what I learned. I cried and cried for a
year, missing the brief moments of beauty and incredible promise. I
came to learn that in all the studies done, in all the research on
CSA's and the paradigm of lost innocence in infancy and youth, and the
depths of violation and betrayal that a CSA experiences, that by
NATURE OF THE DEFINITION (what got you on HERE, this forum to begin
with) is something that is carved in stone: if an adult, or someone
over the age of roughly 9-14 years old shows signs of CSA
victimization, then the odds are almost nill that this can ever, EVER
EVER EVER Change. Just like if you like to eat food or drink water. A
CSA likes what they grew up with, in a horribly twisted way -because
it's what they know and it's safe. This is why CSA's gravitate towards
repetitive patterns and unhealthy people or people who need to learn a
bit better what healthy MEANS in real actions in relationship. A CSA
is a teacher, in a negative way, about boundaries, love, compassion,
empathy, and for YOU, self-respect. Self-respect is the ONE thing, and
the FIRST thing that a PoS looses, without realizing it. And then they
loose perspective, and until the bottom washes out, and they begin to
look for help (which can take a month, or decades) doesn't return.

By your reaching out, you're asking, without realizing it, for OPTIONS
and PERSPECTIVE. A RETURN to normal, as you define it, a return to
what YOU knew as an infant and a child, growing up -love and safety,
trust and respect, nurturing, needs fulfilled, nothing twisted and
converted and convoluted and made to hurt; a return to what is safe
and comforting for YOU. That means, something has begun to want to be
healthy. That is REALLY GOOD NEWS!!! It means there is hope for YOU.


So I went traveling, traveled the world a bit, gave up on psychology-
everything I read (and I read everything, maybe a few odd books here
and there I only skimmed over, but I have over 600 psychology books
and manuals I studied cover to cover, and 4 years of studying, even
under some of the top teachers in the world on this subject)... After
some time and healing for myself, I rediscoverdd who I AM and what I
wanted as a child and growing up, and what I needed in a relationship
with myself, and what MY dreams were.

I met my spouse in the UK while traveling, and moved to the other side
of the world and started to work actively on making all my dreams come
true. It's happening day by day. I'm a father, a teacher, traveler,
writer, designer and architect and I'm helping change the world in a
place where things have a chance in a society that needs help.

Not everyone is hurt or wounded, not everyone is damaged, not all
things are beyond repair. Not every relationship is like a CSA, nor
are all CSA's the same. But once we have been robbed of something back
in the past, in the formative years, it can not be recovered, only
something close over time might replace it- but never can that void
and childhood without it be revered or replaced. It is the KARMA of a
CSA and something they will have to learn to live with and cope with.
They are interesting and often vitally alive people, who walk the
edges of places many of us wouldn't ever tread. But they are also
often the most volitile and dangerous people, who will risk your very
life without even blinking an eye- endangering you to AIDS in the most
real ways, and other illnesses with their habits and patterns as they
seek out to relive and conquer their past, or at least feel like it is
normal- because it is normal for them, and chaos and pain and hurt was
something that became "safe" and "predictable" for them- the terror
and torment become a comfort and something that one could rely on.

In this way, a CSA is a different species than the rest of the world.
They are the victims of others like them, others who lacked the
compassion and empathy that we are often guided to learn if we are to
survive being a PoS.

There is help, for you and for them. But mostly for YOU.

and if you walk away, hold you head high. You're alive, real, and you
have something special- you CAN live a healthy and happy life without
there things in it- 150%.

Walking around the cities of this world I came to realize, WE REALLY
CAN LIVE WITHOUT THIS STUFF. There are soooo many healthy, whole,
incredible people on this earth who would NEVER be diagnosed with a
term like 80-95% of CSA's would qualify for in a psychologists office.
The world is FULL of people who can love and be loved, trust and be
trusted, believe and be believed in, who will come through and give
sincerity with everything they are and have, who will not let you
down, and who have the CAPACITY for a whole and healthy life, just
like you. The world is FULL of people who can LEARN from their
mistakes and RECOVER when they stumble, and pick THEMSELVES up, and be
COMPLETE and FREE-HUMAN BEINGS.

And they are, in the end, far more interesting, in my opinion, than
the tragedy of the CSA karma.

I 100% stand behind the choice to leave and walk away from a CSA- as a
doctor and psychologist (though I don't practice, only write), it is
even THE MOST HELPFUL THING you could EVER DO for most CSA's. You can
not change their fate- it was carved in stone, long before you came
along.

But you can change yours.
And there is hope for you.

The world is simply full of light and life and healthy people and hope.



...


I'm happy now, and living my dreams. It's not a fairy tale, but as
close probably as one can come in the real world, with work and effort
and learning, changing and growing and helping each other out not
hurting each other, us human beings.

As I watch my baby daughter explore the world and learn, I see every
day, what truly happened to these CSA's and how deeply they were
robbed of the MOST essential things in life.

I pray for all of you who stay, and try and fight that dragon. May
light fill that endless night.





...








-JP