How does all this affect kids? Well, here's my report:
My daughter is graduating next fall with a degree in psychology--with a focus
on psycho-sexual disorders. I told her she doesn't need graduate school--she
grew up in our household!(one way we deal with all this is sarcasm).
She is wonderful-but, when it comes to boyfriends, she's a caretaker, just like
mom but, at least she recognizes that. Every guy she's dated is damaged to some
degree. On Mother's Day, she wrote me "Thanks for not pointing out my bad
choice in boyfriends, even though I know you want to." I think she will be an
outstanding therapist.
Our oldest son has mental health issues. After he was hospitalized for an
attempted suicide, I came to discover, due to requested paperwork in treatment
centers, that my husband's family has a LONG history of bi-polar disorder,
alcoholism, and other mental health issues, besides the incest and sexual abuse.
I knew about some of it, but had no idea as to what extent it reached. Oy! This
son is out of the house, living on his own, and doing well. He deals with his
mental health issues (bi-polar II and he has hallucinations) without medication.
He was just chosen as an intern for a respected film group and they are sending
him to Chicago for training and to film a Lollapalooza concert. I'm very proud
of him.
I think our youngest son, who is on meds for depression, has been affected the
most, mainly due to what we went through with his brother, but also due to
events stemming from my husband's (and my) way of dealing with life. He starts
college in the fall. He's a great kid, too--a little unfocused, but he's 18.
Mental illness is usually present in a survivor's family history. But many
times, as in my husband's case, it was not diagnosed due to ignorance and lack
of money to obtain the appropriate care. This is something any spouse,
especially if children are planned or present, should definitely investigate.
I had an appointment with my husband's therapist (finally!) last week and just
getting some feedback has helped tremendously. We will start couple's therapy
soon. It took almost 30 years, but it's finally happening. Will it help? We'll
see. The fact that my husband and I have accepted that it might not, has made
dealing with this a bit easier. Recognizing that elephant in the room is such
an important step.
So, to make a long story longer--my kids are ok. They all have issues, but they
recognize them. (with a little help, sometimes) We have been fortunate to have
access to people and programs that can help. The hardest part was finding the
right ones.
Someone asked me, if I had it all to do over again, knowing about my husband's
past history, and his screwed up family's, would I have had children? I told
them that is a questions I do NOT ask myself. There's no point to it.
If you've made the choice of staying with your spouse and are thinking of
having children, get all the medical and mental health information you can, past
and present, regarding your spouse and their family. This way, you can be
somewhat prepared. If you know even a little about what could happen and how to
recognize it when it does, it helps. But it is SO important to realize that
behaviors will be repeated, the cycles will continue in some shape or form.
Dealing with those behaviors and ending those cycles is a tough, exhausting,
frustrating, heartbreaking and bloody battle that I don't recommend, but if you
choose to fight it--prepare yourself in any way possible.
Violence has never been an issue with us. Sexual issues, at this point in time,
are mine more than his. After 4 years of not having it, we started up again,
only to have me choose to stop after certain behaviors (almost always financial)
started showing up again. That brought fear which resulted in anger and
mistrust. There are times I want to crawl into bed with him (we are in separate
rooms) but then something triggers the anger and I can't even bear the idea of
being in the same room with him, much less being intimate. Up until 4 years ago,
our sex life had been healthy, fulfilling and an important part of our
relationship,(but I was also in total denial in regards to what was happening in
our lives.) Now, it's in limbo. It's all about trust--for him as well as me.
And the beat goes on......
--- On Sun, 6/15/08, edduggan62 <edduggan62@...> wrote:

> From: edduggan62 <edduggan62@...>
> Subject: [POS Re: Can't do it anymore.
> To: positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com
> Date: Sunday, June 15, 2008, 9:46 PM
> Just a couple of thoughts
>
> Weather you are in a relationship with a survivor or
> exiting such one
> of the key questions I think people may need to consider is
> "Why do I
> need this person so much?" I feel that often it is
> our own broken
> bits that either get us into a relationship with a survivor
> or keep
> us there when we are in an unhealthy relationship. I have
> discovered
> that the women I am most attracted too are women who appear
> outwardly
> strong but that I sense have deeper issues. Something in
> me is
> attracted to being a co-dependent enabler of unreconciled
> survivors.
> I have a fantasy of being the hero and rescuing the
> princess from her
> castle of abuse damage. Part of the reason I have not left
> my wife
> is that I recognised I most probably would end up in a
> relationship
> with another survivor!
>
> Having said that I have come to a point where I will put in
> bottom
> lines in terms of behaviour and working at her issues. If
> she is
> violent again towards me or our children (I'm talking
> physically,
> verbally and emotionally) she knows I will leave and take
> our girls
> with me. For a long time I did not put in these bottom
> lines because
> I was too fearful of being able to cope without her to look
> after.
> It's kind of weird eh?
>
> I have found that it is not just the sex I miss (and boy
> there are
> times I have missed that!!.) I have come to realise how
> positive an
> intimate relationship can be, physically, emotionally and
> spiritually. In my experience they just cannot trust you
> (really
> anyone) enough to let you in until they have integrated
> there abuse
> into their life and become reconciled with it. Having said
> that my
> wife has been going to therapy seriously for about five
> years and we
> now share much more than we uses too. In fact sometimes it
> is my
> lack of trust that slows things down.
>
> Another thing I have come to realise is that the children
> of
> survivors are sometime seriously harmed by the survivor,
> and/or the
> unhealthy dynamics in the relationship and/or the
> relationship
> ending. What really turned me around was being told by a
> counsellor
> that my oldest at 11 was totally stressed out by her
> mothers rage,
> our (the parents) unhealthy relationship dynamics and fear
> that the
> family was going to fall apart. At the same time I was
> doing an
> assignment for a counselling course and was asked about it
> by a work
> colleague. When I told her it was about the lack of
> support
> available for partners of survivors she said "what
> about the rest of
> us" (meaning the children of survivors). She then
> proceeded to tell
> of the pain of having a survivor in denial mother. While
> she know
> understands why her Dad left the relationship, she told me
> how its
> slow collapse was extremely painful for the children.
>
> I guess what I am saying is it might be okay to get
> yourself into a
> relationship on the basis it might not work out, but I
> wonder how
> fair it is to children to bring them into the middle of
> such a
> relationship. Please think long and hard about having
> children as
> their presence complicates the situation immensely. (That
> has been my
> experience can anyone else comment on how it has affected
> their
> kids?).
>
> Cheers Ed
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
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